Jump Start # 1551

Philippians 1:15 “Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also from good will”

  This interesting verse found in the opening paragraphs of the Philippian letter uncovers the motives and reasons why some preach. It’s not always good. Paul was in a Roman prison when he wrote these words. Some were trying to add insult and further trouble to Paul. They were doing this through their preaching.

Nothing has changed. Some preach for the thrill of standing before people and the excitement that they receive. Some do it because there are no time clocks, they can get by doing very little. Some believe it’s an easy way to make a buck. Some do it for ego. Some have been pressured into preaching by family. But then there are the hundreds and hundreds of dedicated, honest, hard working men who love the Lord and want to save souls. They are sincere. They are giving it their best. They want to see the kingdom grow. They want to see souls saved. They write, teach and preach their hearts out. God bless their number.

I want to share with you the confession of a guilty preacher. This is not a sordid story of sin and infidelity and broken hearts. This is my story. This is something that I have never shared with anyone, ever.  I’ve never talked about this with other preachers. I don’t know if others feel this way or if it is just me. It bothers me and I don’t know the answer and I’m even sure why I’m sharing this, but I am.

Those that know me personally, know that I am extremely type A. I am driven. I am a workaholic. The spring inside of me, like that of an old clock, is tight. I am always busy. Always. The guilt that I feel comes not from doing something wrong, or sluffing off, but it comes from feeling that I’m not doing enough. There is so much to be done.

The church is pleased with what I do. I write my own class material and put out some pretty good stuff, but it’s not good enough, at least that’s how I feel. Folks tell me the sermons are great, but I know that they could be better. The articles are helping people, but I know they could be better. When I hear of some saving others in other places, it’s such happy news, but then the guilt comes. I need to be doing more of that. It’s not a jealousy thing, it’s just the guilt of not doing enough.

There are some many things going on, so many people to visit and so many classes to teach, articles to write, research to do, books to read—it seems that enough is being done to get by, but it’s not to the level that I would want it to be.

It’s hard to put a finger on why I feel guilty. I’m not trying to become the best out there. That’s not it. It’s not that I feel pressure from the church, I don’t. If anything, they’d tell me to take some time off. But I can’t. It’s not even from the Lord. I’m not trying to win His favor or grab His attention. I cannot do enough for that. It’s His love and grace that saves me. I think it’s just me. I think deep inside, I know everyone, including the Lord is pleased with the work that I am cranking out, but I just not pleased. I feel internally like the track coach who yells at his runners, “More, more.” This internal guilt doesn’t make me sad or unhappy. What it does do is make it nearly impossible for me to get away from the work. The mind is always racing. The thoughts are, What else can be done? What’s next? How can this be done better? That never turns off. Someone might suggest it’s a self-esteem problem. Maybe. I don’t think so. Somebody might suggest taking a long vacation. That sounds good in theory, but that mind doesn’t take a vacation.

I’m not wanting sympathy. I’m not after pats on the back. That’s not it. I really do not think that I am all that unusual. I expect that many of us feel this way. Most, are so busy, that they just don’t have the time to think about it. Most are looking for more and more ways to improve. Improve themselves. Improve what they do. Improve the congregation. They are not content to just accept things as they are. They know things could be better and they will not be content until they are.

What can be done? Nothing. More help doesn’t change this. Rarely is this guilt thought about. It’s just there. It’s the reason that the mind wakes me up early in the morning, thinking about what can do done better. It’s always thinking of all the things that needs to be done. This guilt doesn’t make me miserable. It doesn’t drive to drinking or thinking about quitting. I do wish sometimes others would feel the same, then maybe more would get accomplished.

I want to do more. I want to do the best that I can. That’s the confession of a guilty preacher.

Thank you for letting me share this. I know what I would tell someone else who confessed this to me. I’d tell them, “Just do the best you can. You cannot do everything. Get others involved. Don’t micro-manage every detail to death. Be thankful.” I know that. I just need to listen to myself. It’s nearly impossible to say, “No.”

I share this for those like me who struggle with guilt for not doing enough. The true end to all of this is that wonderful promise in Revelation where we will “rest from our labors.”

Roger