Jump Start # 1043

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

  We have been running a mini series this week on parenting. I hope to assemble these and some earlier articles into a booklet on parenting soon. Parenting is tough. It’s one of the hardest jobs you will face. There are many clichés that are used to define what the home is like such as: “Home is where the stomach gets three meals a day and the heart gets a thousand.” Or, “children will step on your feet when they are small and step on your heart when they are older.”

Our passage is a serious reminder that it is the home, not the church, nor the school, where God expects the moral and spiritual training to take place. Discipline and instruction involve guidance, communication, time and energy. This passage is directed to fathers. Dads. Too often, it’s the mom who does this. Dad is caught up in work and hobbies and leaves the upbringing to the mother. Shouldn’t be that way. The input of both parents is ideal. Too many homes have ignored God and are trying their best to fly without Him. The kids may make the teams, and get the grades, but something will be missing. Something on the inside. Character, depth, spirituality, compassion and the heart of a servant—these traits are learned from the Bible. These are missing when the Bible and God are ignored.

I want to end this series by looking at Ten Myths of Parenting. Most of us know these but it’s good to be reminded.

1. You are a perfect parent. MYTH. No, you’re not. You’ll make mistakes. There will be days that you would gladly put the kids out with the trash. Quit trying to be perfect or even shooting for the Parent of the Year award. One of my kids once told me that they wanted Bill Cosby for a dad. How do you compete with Cosby? Do the best you can. Learn from your mistakes. The reality is that you do not have perfect kids, either.

2. You must do what other parents do. MYTH. No. This will only drive you nuts and make you feel very jealous and inferior. Comparing homes doesn’t help. Forget all those surveys and stats on the internet. You may not be able to afford fabulous vacations, buy the kid a car for his 16th birthday, and do what other families are doing. Even some in the church will do things you won’t be able to. You can still have fun, make adventures and give your child great opportunities with what you have. You are the one raising your children. You may make choices that are different from the other families in the neighborhood, or even the church. Stick to what you know is right and don’t feel pressured to do what others are doing.

3. What your kids say won’t bother you. MYTH. It does. It hurts. Some of these things shouldn’t be said by the kids. A smart mouth and talking back needs to be dealt with. I had a child that declared that I was the worse dad in the entire world. I responded by saying, I was shocked. I never won any award before. Of all the dads in the entire world, I was # 1 at being the worst. I said, put that on a plague and I’ll hang it on my office wall. Don’t let them know it hurts, but it does. When a teenager says, “I hate you,” that cuts deeply. Most times, it’s because they don’t get their way. Most times, those things are said because they are in trouble. Still, it hurts. Pray, that helps. Realize you are making a difference. Don’t stop.

4. Your kids will be your best friend. MYTH. Not while they are growing up. Best buds don’t have rules. Best friends allow the other to do what they want. You are the parent. You must have rules and enforce them. You are molding and shaping them. You are more than a play friend, you are dad and mom. There is a huge difference. There comes a time, later on, when they are grown, when they do become your best friends. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful. We are there with our kids. What a blessing it is.

5. Your kids will naturally get what they are supposed to know. MYTH. This idea comes from passive parents who do not want to roll up their sleeves and get involved with teaching and shaping character. The gospel certainly doesn’t work that way. Our passage in Ephesians doesn’t support that idea. There must be instructions, conversations, communication, answering questions, showing them and leading them. It is a process. The heart of a child is soft and tender, like play-dough. You must shape it to what God wants. Once the clay has hardened, it’s tough to work with. Your child will learn about God, the Bible, love, church—either the right way from you, or the wrong way from the world. They will have an opinion about all of those things. You job is to show them the right way.

6. Home is a democracy. MYTH. This is liberal theology, thinking that the feelings of each person must be allowed and followed. That may look good on paper, but it doesn’t work in the home. God placed the parents in the position and gave them the authority to rule the home. It is not a democracy. In our case, we have four children. They out numbered us. A democracy would mean, in our situation, that the kids would out vote the parents each time. Try that with bed time. Try that with what to eat. Parents are in charge.

7. You are the child’s servant. MYTH. There is some truth to this when they are babies. They cannot take care of themselves and when they want something, they will scream until they get your attention. That’s babies. They are to grow and move out of that. Some don’t move out of that. They expect mom to bring them something to eat, turn the channel, get a blanket, run them to the store and at the end of the day, mom is worn out and feels like a slave to the kids. There needs to be some asking and “please” involved. They need to learn that mom doesn’t drop everything and come running. This isn’t Downton Abbey and mom certainly isn’t the downstairs staff.

8. You can reason with a small child. MYTH. The smaller the child, the more you just have to say, ‘because, I said so.’ They don’t get it. They can’t get it. The question, “why” can never be satisfied for a small child. They will ask ‘why is the sky blue?’ You say, ‘Because God made it that way.’ They will respond, ‘Why?’ And then it begins. No matter what you say, ‘Why?’ follows. The mind of a child and the mind of an adult often do not intersect. Trying to explain and reason is beyond reason when dealing with a small child.

9. Disciplining your child will mess up his psyche. MYTH. I’ve read articles about those who were spanked as a child grew up to become bank robbers and thugs. My mom could wear us out. We deserved it, and more. My older brother is an attorney and I preach. We didn’t become criminals. That’s more liberal theology. This is a myth because God tells us to not spare the rod. That does not imply injuring the child, but it does grab his attention. Parents need to understand the difference  between accidents and rebellion. Parents need to be sensible. Saying, ‘You’ll never leave your room until you are 40 years old,’ isn’t true. There is a time and a place for discipline.

10. Your kids will suffer if they are not in every activity. MYTH. No, they won’t. It’s ok for them just to be kids. Let them go outside play. Take them to the park. Send them outside exploring. Too many parents are running ragged from taking the kids from this event to the next. Pick out a few. You can’t do them all. Don’t squeeze God out from what you’re doing.

Hope these help. You are making a difference. They need you. Don’t give up.

Roger

Jump Start # 950

Ephesians 6:4 “And, fathers, do no provoke our children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Our verse today is near the top of parenting verses that people think of. It’s used often. It’s powerful and has been the banner for generations of God’s people. The apostle puts forth one negative and two positives in this verse.

The negative: Do not provoke your children to anger. Don’t agitate them. Now, some things need to be understood with this. This is not to say, do everything that pleases your children. Staying up to two in the morning and having chocolate cake for breakfast may please many kids. They may even get mad when you say no and go to bed. Those who resist rules get angry. They get angry at the rule and they get angry at the one enforcing the rule. Adults who drive too fast and get pulled over for speeding feel the same way. This is not the anger Paul has in mind.

He doesn’t want dads to irritate children. Don’t poke fun of them. Don’t get them mad because you think its funny or that they are cute when they are mad. Because the parent is bigger than the child, don’t take advantage of that position. Kids remember. Some day when you are old they may stick you away in some nasty nursing home and laugh back at you. I’ve seen kids come to tears because of the teasing of the parents. They wouldn’t stop. Discipline should not break the spirit or the will of the child. Some of us dads can be overbearing and too demanding. Our children are not mini slaves. The prodigal remembered his dad as a generous, kind man, even to the servants. That brought him home. The opposite will make kids stay away from home. The home ought to be a refuge in this crazy world we live in. Home ought to be where a person gets three square meals and a hundred hugs. Home needs to be where we are loved, accepted, appreciated and wanted—no matter what our size or age. I believe if the home is healthy, kids won’t threaten to leave. Home ought to be where our opinions can be expressed, even if they are wrong. It is a place for discussion and sharing ideas. Home is good. The provoking to anger is the opposite. It’s putting someone down. It’s making fun of someone. It’s ridiculing them because they didn’t get good grades or messed up in sports. Kids need approval, especially from dads. Dad is the king at home. Dad’s voice is loud. I remember my dad popping his belt before we got it. That sound was worse than the spanking.  For a dad to say, “I love you,” or, “I’m proud of you,” means so much to a child.

Dads provoke—but not to anger. They provoke to goodness and kindness and godliness.

The first positive the apostle gives us is: bring them up in the discipline of the Lord. Warnings, consequences, punishment are part of the learning process. Without boundaries we tend to wonder off course. We need guidelines, instructions, guardrails, boundaries to keep us where we ought to be. The discipline of the Lord includes the teachings of the Bible. Bring them up with the Bible. Bring them up with stories about Noah, Adam, Daniel, Abraham and Joseph. Share with them the good and the bad of these Bible characters. Discipline—the book of Proverbs mentions that often. Without discipline a child brings shame to his parents. Smart talk, talking back, slamming doors, yelling, throwing things—NOT ALLOWED. Parents, it’s your house. You set the rules. The home is not a democracy. It’s parents rule. God ordained that. Kids learn early that if they throw a fit, make a scene, wear the weary parent down, then they get to stay up, buy that toy, or eat that snack before dinner. Kids are smart. They will push your buttons and try you. They will push you to the limits. Without discipline they will get away with things they shouldn’t. Without discipline they grow up disrespecting authority. Hebrews reminds us that our fathers disciplined us and that discipline wasn’t pleasant. It doesn’t take too much of that for the child to get the point. Throw a toy and you lose that toy. Smart off and off to bed you go. A little of that discipline will stop them. It does work because God knows what he is talking about.

The second positive is the instruction of the Lord. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Instruction is teaching. Children need guidance. They need to be taught. This is more than reciting the books of the Bible in order, it’s grasping what God wants from his people. It’s learning to be generous. It’s learning to be a servant. Kids who don’t get that become adults who don’t get that. Selfish and stingy comes from homes that promoted that. Start early. Work on these lessons often.

Did you notice that this passage is addressed to “fathers.” Not churches. Not even moms. Dad, this is your role. This is what being the head means. It’s not about barking orders but leading the home. It’s being the person that the rest can follow. This means you’ll miss some ball games on TV because you need to be doing things with the kids. It means that many of the movies you watch will be cartoons. It is reading books to them. It is telling them bedtime stories. It is showing them how to fix things. It is sitting with them during church services. It is letting them see you do things publicly in church. It is having families from church over in your home and seeing dad help get the place cleaned up. It is working with dad to help a neighbor. This is how the life lessons are learned. It’s not yelling at them when you are mad. It’s leading. It’s being the head.

Dad…what a wonderful title. What a powerful word. What an enormous responsibility. I have four people who look at me as dad (they call me “PJ” instead of dad—but that’s a long story and not for here). Dad is a word of relationship. It’s time to be dad, dads.

Roger

Jump Start # 829

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Yesterday I went to grab a quick bite of lunch at a place near our church building. As I was waiting in line, I noticed a young mother with a young boy and a girl about four years old. The little girl kept starring at me. The rest of the day I kept thinking about that little girl and more so her parents. I know a lot of young parents. Their children are the cutest things ever. There is a lot of fear parents have about our world today. It’s not safe. I don’t know if there are more evil people today or we just hear about them more. The country is wanting to redefine marriage, there is a more obvious assault upon faith and there is a shift toward being secular that is taking place. There is much to fear.

As I thought about that four year old girl, I wondered if my parents had similar fears when I was four years old. No, it wasn’t the log cabin days of Daniel Boone, but it was in the early 1960’s. Rock ‘n roll, hippies, drugs and the sexual freedom and revolution was spreading fast. Back then, college campuses were the scene of many riots from students protesting a war in Vietnam. Rock concerts became the place for public nudity. It was a scary world back then. Some survived. Some crashed.

Here are some thoughts:

1. It seems that parents have always been fearful of the world that their child is growing up in.  Each generation seems worse. That may not be true, but that’s a perspective that most have. There have always been bullies at school. Those who want to break the rules have always been around. Those who want to live in excess and without God have always been around. We want our children to be safe and innocent. Today, many parents elect to home school. That wasn’t an option when I was a kid. We know sooner or later our children will see things that we wish they never had to. They will experience the brokenness of lives bent on sin. I remember the first time I heard the word “pregnant.” I was in grade school and some kid was telling us about an older girl who had gotten “pregnant.” I didn’t know what that word meant. I was so naïve. Preachers didn’t use that word in the pulpit back then. I thought she had something wrong with her leg and it caused her to limp. Our kids will hear words, many of them will not be nice or acceptable. They will witnesses negative attitudes. They will hear of crime and violence. Being a scared parent is not new. It is good that you are scared.

2. It helps to remember that many of us made it through. Not everyone of my generation experimented with drugs. Many that did, quit. Not everyone danced in the streets naked. Not everyone embraced evolution. Not everyone burned the flag in protest. Many of us that made it, owe our success to our parents. They taught us. They showed us. They instilled within us what was right, meaningful, and lasting. They proved that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. We made it. We became connected to Jesus Christ. We went to church. We developed our own faith and today we are busy in God’s kingdom. I don’t know how many prayers my parents said over me. I don’t know how they felt when I went off to high school and then college. They weren’t idle. They didn’t just let things happen. They were active in shaping, building and molding character. They checked who our friends were. They expected us to be home at a certain time. They made us help out around the house. All of that was building character.

Parents today need to remember that. The hope of your child is you. Pray for them. Teach them. Show them. Involve them. They can make it through without being wild, wicked and godless. They can have a modest wedding dress. They can have fun without alcohol. They can become useful to the church. It’s not easy. It’s not for the lazy. It’s not without some hair pulling days. It’s not without the help of God.

3. God knows how to raise a child. The instruction and the way of the Lord that our verse addresses comes from the dad. He is there. He is active. He is teaching. This isn’t taking place in a Bible class at the church building but around the kitchen table at home. It takes place in the restaurant, the movie theatre, the ball park. Always teaching…always leading…always shaping…always praying. Never giving up and never giving in. Many parents my age are now experiencing their grown children marrying and having babies. Many parents my age have seen their children accept the Lord, just as we did. We are seeing our grown children busy in God’s kingdom, just as we were many years go.

God’s way works. It always does. Hang in there young parents. Don’t lose heart. The world is dark, indeed. But don’t forget that God is great. John wrote, “Greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world.” The “He” in you is God. The “he” in the world is anyone else, but especially Satan. God is greater. Keep teaching.  Turn the news off. It just makes you depressed. Share the wonderful story of Jesus.

You are not just raising your kids…you are building the next set of workers in God’s kingdom!

Roger

Jump Starts # 627

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Sunday is Father’s Day—the day we celebrate and honor our dads. The role of dads is vital to the success of the home. Dads bring things to the home that moms don’t. Dads can be tough and they can also be tender. Dads come in all sizes. Some are big and some are small. Some are loud and others just don’t say a whole lot. Some like to hunt and fish. Other dads like to spend a Saturday afternoon leaning over the side of a car and tinkering with the engine. Some dads are great at the business of being a dad. Others need some help. Parenting isn’t easy. It’s also something that a person can’t decide to quit. Once you’re in it, you’re in it for the long haul. There’s no turning back.

The Bible places the emphasis of child raising upon dads. Our passage reminds us of this truth. Dads are to be engaged spiritually with their children. It’s hard to bring one up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord when a person is clueless to what that is. Our children see and learn before we ever teach them. Dads must be what they are teaching their children. I have seen worship services where dad and son are both helping out. That’s neat. This Sunday, two of my sons, and myself will be preaching—each in different places. That’s very neat in my book.

Our verse reminds us that there are negative things that dads can do (provoke to anger) and there are positive things they can do (bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord). Dads must be thinking about that. Us dads can sometimes cheat our families because we are too busy with work or too engaged with a game on TV. We must be mindful of that.

Here is my short list of what dads ought to remind their children:

1. Life isn’t always fair and you do not always get your way (especially if you are a boy and you have a sister).

2. Sometimes those that you love die. This includes pets and grandparents.

3. Hard work is hard, but when it’s done, it sure makes a person feel good. There’s nothing like a clean room, a mowed yard, a car washed, or a term paper completed. Hard work is good for a person.

4. Not everything you do comes with a paycheck. The servant serves because that’s the right thing to do. No one pays mom to wash clothes, cook meals or drive you about. Dad doesn’t get paid to cut the yard. You will do things without receiving anything for it. Jesus did that all the time.

5. Books are your friend. Books (and this includes electronic forms) are the keys to learning, growth and understanding. Be a lifelong reader. It’ll make you a better person. Expand your list of what you read.

6. Jesus is your friend. He wants you to do well. He wants you to follow Him. You’ll need Jesus all of your life. Get to know Him. Come to love Him.

7. Make good friends. Friends are like bridges. They’ll take you places. They will introduce you to new things. Good friends will help you. Bad friends will hurt you.

8. Listen to your parents. They have more invested in you than anyone else and they want to see you do well.

9. Christians are the greatest people on the face of the earth. They are not perfect but they follow the One who is. They try—first to be righteous and then to be servants. Surround yourself with Christians. They will remind you of where you need to be and they will be there if you fall. You need Christians in your life.

Well, that’s my list. Do you have a list? Write it out and share it with your family. Thanks dads for all that you are doing, you are making a difference.

Roger

Jump Start # 560

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

We continue with our series on the role of men. Our passage today defines the role of dads in the home as God would like it. Fathers are leaders. Fathers are to bring the children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Fathers are the spiritual influences of their children. Fathers are the first impression that the children get of leadership and authority. That’s the way it ought to be.

We know it’s often not this way. Absentee dads, dads that do not come to church services themselves, dads who have little knowledge or concern for spiritual values, dads who let moms do all the raising of the children has become the norm in our society. Dads don’t feel like it. Dads are too busy doing their own thing or trying to find themselves. Dads are gone with the guys, leaving moms to care for the bringing up of children

Our passage presents both a negative and a positive. It begins with the negative, “do not provoke your children to anger.” The parallel in Colossians says, “Do not exasperate your children, so they will lose heart.” Don’t discourage them. Don’t provoke them to anger. Sure kids will get mad. They get mad when they have to go to bed before they are ready. They will get mad when you turn off the TV and make them do their homework. They get mad when they have to eat veggies and they don’t want to. Such is life. This is not what Paul is saying. Paul is dealing with the “provoking to anger.” Provoke—brings the image of a bully, ridicule, making fun of, putting down, destroying the spirit.

• This happens when there is constant criticism and little praise. This is when we create an atmosphere in which they can never do enough and they can never please. A’s are enough for some dads, it should have been # 1 in the class. Varsity isn’t enough, it should be breaking the school records. Push and push and push until the child hates the sport…the child hates his childhood…the child hates life. Don’t break the child.

• This happens when dads compare children with each other. Each is different—in talent, ability and capability. Comparisons never end well.
• This happens when dads have favorites among the kids. It may be the boy who plays sports, over the girl who sings in the choir. Dad may not know how to relate to the girl. It may be a son who likes fixing things over the son who is into computers. When there is a favorite, there is also one who is not the favorite, and that creates bitter jealousy. Jacob and Esau lived that way.

Instead of doing that, God wants dads to bring children up in the nurture (discipline) and instruction of the Lord. This is more than dropping the kids off at the front door of the church and then going back to bed until church is over. Throughout this country, I’ve seen many, many families, where dad is absent from church services. How can he do what God wants when he is not growing, learning or walking in the instruction of the Lord? The thrust of the passage is directed to fathers, not the church. It’s not the church who will bring the children up, it’s dads.

This means throughout the week, dad is connecting the kids to God. Prayers at the dinner table ought to be as regular as the food. The Bible ought to be read together, at home. When things come up, and they do almost every day, connections to what God wants us to do should be given. The expression, nurture or discipline means care. As a tender plant needs care so it will grow, so do children. It’s not barking out commands and orders, that you do not follow yourself. It doesn’t take much of that for children to see how inconsistent you are. “Don’t use bad language,” but dad does. “Don’t drink,” but dad does. “Don’t be mean to others,” but dad is. Before long, the kids will do what you do and not what you say. Ever notice that Jesus wasn’t that way. Before He told the disciples, He showed them. He was and they could look to Jesus as an example. Leading by example. That’s the key.

The other expression, “instruction of the Lord,” simply means God’s teaching. Bring them up by the book. Talk about the Bible. Make it a household friend. Use it, refer to it, look things up in it. Worship as a family. Honor God at home.

Dads who aren’t into those things and who aren’t connected to God will fail here. They’ll pass the responsibility to moms, who do the best that they can. It’s not supposed to be that way. The leadership of ancient Israel, was male. The leadership in the early kingdom was male apostles. The leadership today is male. It’s not about greatness, but order. That’s the way God designed it. Those who try to change it, sooner or later, will change God into a mother. Don’t go there. That’s wrong. God defines Himself. He is not our mother who art in Heaven, He is our Father.

Many incredible Christians can look back and see the role that their dads had in their development. Dads were in the stands cheering them on. Dads sitting at the kitchen table helping them with spelling words. Dads teaching them to throw a ball, ride a bike, or leading a prayer. They sat beside dad in church services. They went with dad to help a neighbor. They talked. They saw. They felt loved. They saw God through their dads. I have a dad like that. I sat beside him yesterday at a funeral in Indianapolis. The man who died was the same age of my dad. He served in WW II as my dad had. He was a Marine as my dad was. At the end of the funeral, the Marine hymn was played. I looked over at dad. His eyes were closed and he was crying. I rarely remember my dad ever crying. When we walked outside, he told me that song got to him. He said he could see all the white crosses of his fellow soldiers years ago. Dad taught me a few lessons yesterday. Amazing, after all these years, he is still teaching and I’m still learning. The best examples come from watching and seeing.

Dads are like that.

Dads, you are your child’s greatest teacher. Get busy, they grow fast.

Roger