Jump Start # 3385

Ephesians 6:4 “And, fathers do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

The other day I was around several of our grandchildren. They are always bubbly, talking fast, full of energy and always excited to see PJ (that’s me). Their parents, my kids, always seem tired. Boy, I remember those days. There is a reason why God gives children to young adults. Those of us in the senior crowd would need far too many naps to deal with them every day.

God has grand expectations for those who walk with Him. Sprinkled throughout the O.T. and into the N.T. is the spirit of actively raising your children to know the Lord. The home is the first true school. It is in the home that the child learns about responsibility, sharing, accountability and respect. Those core principles set the person on the right path in life.

Your child will learn about God, either the Biblical way from you, or some manufactured God that the modern church presents. That God lets you do anything you want. That God wants you to be happy more than anything else. That God doesn’t care much about the Bible, doctrine or details. Just love, that’s all that matters. Your child will learn the right way or the wrong way.

Your child will learn about the Bible, either correctly through you, that it is God’s word and inspired, or, from a confused college professor who claims it is nothing more than a collection of old tales and fables. But, your child will learn about the Bible.

Your child will learn about the church and worship, either correctly through you, or from a friend at a mega church that is feeling based and entertainment driven. But, your child wil learn about worship.

Your child will learn about money, either responsibly from you, or what he sees in our culture and that is being massively indebt, with no plans, goals or ideas. Your child will learn about money.

Your child will learn about love, marriage and sexuality, either Biblically from you, or from someone they are dating as they sit in the backseat of a car. One way or another, they will learn.

God expects parents to be the leaders, shepherds, teachers in the home. But raising children can leave one tired. There are a series of paradoxes about parenting.

• The Paradox of emotions: Raising children is one of the greatest joys, but it can also be very frustrating.
• The Paradox of responsibility: There is that eagerness to see them on their own and the reluctance to let them go.
• The Paradox of growing older: There is an appreciation for your child’s help and the resignation of reversing the roles.

For every battle that is fought in the home, realize that you are teaching, illustrating and trying to win their hearts to the Lord. The issue isn’t about the cell phone, or how late they stay up, but there is a greater battle and that is about right and wrong. It’s hard arguing with teens. They have it in their minds that they know and they know everything. The problem is, your teen has never been twenty-five years old. You have. Your teen has never had to pay a mortgage. You have. Your teen has never had to balance schedules, figure out how to pay for everything, and how to think about every single person in that house. You have. And, that gives you, the parent not only wisdom and an advantage, it gives you an insight. You have been a teenager. They have never been your age.

Remember, it’s not who shouts the loudest. It’s not about who gets the other most frustrated. It’s about doing what the Lord wants. Keep the Lord in the discussion. Keep the Lord before their eyes. Young Joseph. Young David. Young Timothy. Young Josiah. Spiritually strong, confident and influencing others. Your teen can do that, but he needs your help.

The paradox of parenting…sure is something to think about.

Roger

Jump Start # 3027

Ephesians 6:4 “And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

It has never been easy raising children, especially teens. Very often, teens look like adults on the outside, but act like children on the inside. Maturity, hormones, wanting to do things their own way, fitting in, all become jumbled up on their insides. I love our teens who have already made a promise and a commitment to follow Christ. What a huge advantage they will have. They have a network of godly people who are on their side and want to see them do well.

Our times, our culture, our government makes it hard for teens to be godly. Bad examples are everywhere. And, what teens need is to have parents who are not trying to be their best friend, but rather parent them into the right moral and godly choices. And, our teens will make mistakes. You did. I did. How parents handle and deal with those mistakes can help or make matters even worse.

Here are a few suggestions when talking with your teenager:

First, timing is everything. They seem to live in a different time zone than everyone else, even though they are in the same house. How you approach talking to them is as important as what you actually say. “We need to talk” translates in teen language to “I’m in trouble, and you are going to make my life more difficult.”  So, you, as a parent, must find a better approach than starting on the wrong foot and in the negative. When you are ready to talk, your teen may not be. And, if something bad has happened, calm down, cool down and  put some thought and prayer into how you need to approach this subject. Teens wreck cars. They forget about others and what they were supposed to do. All of that irritates parents. Remember, your teen isn’t at the maturity level that you are.

Second, listen. That’s hard for some of us parents and the failure to listen leads to the breakdown of communication and relationships. When you say, “We need to talk,” they understand this as, you are going to do all the talking and they are going to do all the listening. You may have to lead with some questions. Try to understand why they did what they did. Do your best not to explode. Listen. “What would have been a better way of doing that?” and then let your teen answer that. “I dunno” or “nothing,” can be the extent of some teens communication with their parents. We know they can talk. They can text and talk to friends all day long, but when it comes to you, “I dunno,” and “nothing,” is all you get. I remember asking one of my kids, “What happened at school today?” They said, “nothing.” My reply was, “Nothing. You were there all day and nothing happened? Wow. I’m going to school with you tomorrow to see what nothing looks like.” That got them talking. They sure didn’t want that to happen.

Listening is hard because as parents we want to tell. But one of the huge disconnects in families is that teens feel like their parents do not understand them. The way to bridge that is by talking. Not just when they are in trouble, but all the time. Build that relationship. Ask them about Sunday sermons. Ask them where their weak points are in the Bible. The more you talk with them in the good moments, the easier it will be in the tougher moments.

Third, be willing to be unpopular. That’s hard. Your teen may vent. He may declare that you are unfair. But be that way. The alternative is to let the teen do whatever he wants so he will like you. But in the end, he still won’t like you. He needs guidance, boundaries, rules and accountability. You need to allow your teen to disagree, but it must be respectful. There’s no need for shouting, slamming doors or getting violent. There is a bigger picture. How will that person act when he is 30 years old and his boss makes him upset? How will he act when he is 40 and something at church upsets him? Learning to disagree without becoming disagreeable is a huge step in maturity.

Fourth, always stand with God. Do not apologize for the way God says things. Do not point out the imperfections of others. Our God is good. Our God is powerful. Our God deserves our honor and our heart. Building personal faith is important. There is a transition from going to church with mom and dad and wanting to go because the Lord is awesome. Those who do not have a strong faith, nor their own faith, will crash when they go away to college. Four years later, a degree in hand, and no God in their heart, off they go to chase the idols of the world. You don’t want that. So, as Deuteronomy six shows us, everywhere and everyday God becomes a part of your conversation, life and choices. Prayers, devotions and a commitment to worship services are just as regular as the sunshine. At a young age, have your child serving right along side of you.

I know several, several powerful, talented and GODLY teens. They are leaders. They engage in worship and serving where they can. They became this way because of what happened in their homes. You, as a parent, can do the same. It takes you to do it. Don’t kick the can down the road. Don’t push this off on the church or the teen devos.

God bless our parents. It’s tough. Buckle your seat belt. Put up your tray table. Hold on. But you can do it. There was a time in my life when we had four teens at the same time. What were we thinking. I used to tell people that I was going to write a book about that. The title was to be: I have four teens. The subtitle was, “And therapy is helping me.” That’s funny. The truth is, “God is helping me.” He did and He will.

Your greatest work is your children. Pray. Get advice. Don’t give up.

Those of us that are empty nesters, don’t sigh nor talk about “those parents,” or “those kids.” Get to know the teens in your congregation. Have them over. Connect. It’ll help you and you’ll help them. We are all in this together.

Roger

Jump Start # 2081

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

We knew him simply as Buster. He was a friend of the family. My kids loved Buster. I loved to watch the interaction between Buster and the kids. Buster got sick, real sick. With the family gathered, we watched Buster pass away. Tears flowed. Questions were asked. A funeral was planned.

Buster was a pet hamster that we got for my son, Jordan. But everyone loved Buster. He was fluffy, furry, bright eyed and especially took to little Jordan. The boys would put Buster in their toy trucks and run him around the house. Buster seemed to have a blast. They played and played with Buster. But he got sick. On a Wednesday, we knew that Buster wouldn’t make it. We all left for Bible class. Little Buster hung on until we all got back. He died in Jordan’s little hands. I didn’t know at the time that the life expectancy for that type of hamster was only one year. I would have never gone down that path had I done my homework. That night, fearing a lot of tears, we put Jordan in bed with us. He fell asleep immediately. Mom and dad stayed awake most of the night with tears in their eyes. The next day, we had a funeral in our back yard for Buster. To this day, all these years later, the kids have fond memories of that short time they had with Buster. They sure loved him.

Our verse today is about parenting. Let’s face it, parenting is tough. It’s more than clean clothes, bedtime and getting them off to school. There are tough lessons that come with parenting. There are some things that the kids will carry with them in their heart and in their memory the rest of their lives.

Here are a few of them:

Dealing with death: Pets die. Grandparents die. Happily ever after only happens in the Disney movies. Death is part of life. Some try to ignore it. Some in trying to soften the tears and the pain, say things that just aren’t true. The death of Buster and the death of my mom were not the same. Buster was a pet. As much as we want to say that there is a pet Heaven or hamsters are in Heaven, we know Biblically that’s not true. Be careful how you say and present things. Don’t crush soft hearts. Don’t say things that later will only confuse them or mess them up spiritually.

Years ago, I was preaching in the Phoenix area. Someone in the congregation had passed away and their visitation was taking place on Sunday afternoon. I went with some folks. There I saw a young father from the congregation. He was standing some distance from the casket, bent down talking to his two young sons. He was pointing to the casket. They had all kinds of questions. I watched. In time, the dad walked up to the casket, holding each boys hand. That image of a godly dad explaining one of the hardest things to understand has always stayed with me. I expect what they talked about has stayed with those boys.

But I have also known the opposite. I had a grown man call me years ago. His grandmother had passed away. His question wasn’t about death, but funeral homes. What are they like? What do I wear? Dozen and dozens of questions. I found out that he had never been to a funeral home in his life. His family had sheltered him and now he had to go and he was sacred.

Teaching about death is hard. Dealing with the death of a beloved pet is hard.

Dealing with disappointments: This too is a part of life. A friend in the neighborhood moves away, a school closes. You must move your family. These things can bring an emptiness in our hearts. It’s hard for young children to understand why their friend has to move. Life’s lessons like this will help prepare your child for other disappointments that he will face. A scholarship doesn’t come his way. A promotion is given to someone else. A medical test reveals there is a problem. A company is sold. This is our world. It can be ugly at times. It can be hard. These are the things that breed fear and worry. These can be the very storms that causes our house to collapse if it is built upon the sand.

Parenting through disappointments. This is where your lead in spiritual thoughts helps. A friend of theirs moves. Say a prayer about that friend. Help your child to write them a letter. Call the friend up and have your child talk to them. Reminding your child about disappointments that happened to God’s people, yet their faith remain strong will help. It will help later on in life. It will help to have their foundation built upon the rock. The rock never changes. The rock is always there. The rock will hold them up. Many children never learn these lessons. And as adults, they don’t do well with disappointments. This is why alcohol flows like rivers in this country. “I need a drink,” has replaced, “I need the Lord.” Dealing with disappointments is a fundamental parenting lesson that is tough.

Dealing with failures: This may be one of the hardest parenting lessons. Your child has told you a lie. Your child did something wrong, mean and hurtful to someone else. You child is a bully. Your child was caught stealing. Alcohol or drugs were found in your child’s possession. The sins of our children can break our hearts. Those perfect little angels can quickly become little devils. Wrong comes with consequences. Tons and tons of lessons to be taught, reminded and explained here. Concerns about who they are being influenced by. Sometimes drastic things have to be done. Ending friendships. Switching schools. Even moving are some things I have known parents to do.

How we teach our children responsibility and dealing with their own failures will be a bridge to learning what God expects from us. Firm, yet loving. Don’t defend wrong. Don’t justify wrong. Yet, don’t destroy the child. The bigger picture in this is seeing your child as a prodigal in a far country. The call of the far country pulled him into wrong choices. Yet, your role, is leading him back and then you must take on the role of the father in Luke 15. You want your child to recognize that one mistake doesn’t mean he is ruined for life. Help him. Guide him. Use God’s word about repentance and forgiveness. Someday, as an adult, you want him to deal with his failures in a godly way.

Parenting is tough. Clean clothes and getting them to eat veggies is easy compared to what we talked about today. Hang in there. Keep talking. Keep taking them to church services. Keep up with them. You are learning as you go along. Ask older Christians for advice. Don’t be too big to admit your mistakes. None of us are perfect. Invite God into your home and pray every day for those children.

Sweet little Buster. He is a fond memory that is treasured by our family. Laughter and tears…good times and tough times—every family has them. Walking with God makes all the difference.

Roger

Jump Start # 1771

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

The interesting thing about parenting is that most folks haven’t spent much time learning about being a parent. Most just get in there and do what they think is right, whether it is or not. And, this is what is so remarkable about all of this. Parenting is the most important job in the world and the people that are doing it are the least trained. We spend more time in learning how to drive a car, than we do how to raise a child. We spend more hours in biology class, dissecting frogs than we do in how to be the right example and learning the best methods of communication and discipline for a child.

Here are some common things that we sometimes forget.

It is in the home that a child first learns about God.

It is in the home that a child learns to share.

It is in the home where a child is introduced to authority, rules, respect and responsibility.

It is in the home where a child first learns how to deal with difficulties in life.

It is in the home where the child learns what marriage is like.

It is in the home where a child learns parenting.

For most of us, it was not in a classroom where we learned parenting, but relying upon our experiences from how we were raised and what we saw in the homes of our friends. Those are the lessons that stuck with us. So, home is our first school. Home is a place of evangelism. Home is where attitudes are adjusted and behavior faces consequences.

Our verse today, puts the instructing part of children squarely in the home and specifically at the feet of dad. It is the fathers job to bring them up in the disciple and instruction of the Lord. That very statement implies several factors:

First, dads must know the instruction of the Lord. It’s hard to instruct someone when you do not know yourself. This statement shows that dads must first know and walk in the Lord and from that they can teach their children. Dropping the kids off at the church building while dad plays a round of golf is missing this verse. It won’t be long and the kids will pick up on that. Why do we have to go to church and dad gets to play golf? Why can’t we go golfing with dad? That won’t be easy to answer, simply because there is no decent answer to that. It shows that dad doesn’t need God. Dad must be too good for God. Dad doesn’t care about these things. And the sweet question asked late at night to mom will be, “Is daddy going to Heaven?” Know the way. Walk in that way. Then lead others in that way.

Second, bring them up in the instruction of the Lord implies spending time with them. A dad may know what and how to instruct the children in the Lord, but he may be so consumed with work and hobbies and he doesn’t have time. Bringing them up means making the time. It means after a long day of work, when you would just love to park in front of the TV and watch ESPN until you fall asleep, the little ones need you. They need you to settle their conflicts, answer their questions, and hear their prayers. They need you to take interest in their lives. This means that dad won’t always get to do what he wants to do. This means there are more pressing matters than the ballgame.

Thirdly, bring them up also implies a continual process. There is no “one and done” when it comes to raising kids. You must repeat lessons over and over. Learning is a journey. You must teach so that they can understand. Explain things. Warn about things. Talk about consequences. The way you talk to a five-year-old is much different than the way you talk to a 15-year-old. Shouting, screaming, threatening, demanding, are not the best ways to teach. Scaring the kids may bring the behavior that you desire, but it doesn’t build faith, grow confidence nor help them. It’s hard for parents to deal with the transitional period of raising children. When the kids are little, you literally, control their lives. They go to bed when you say. They eat what you give them. They wear what clothes you put out for them. You control their lives. But then, they grow up. You  can’t do those things to a teenager. Try putting out your teens clothes for the morning. That won’t work. Suddenly, you no longer control their lives. You are shifting to being an advisor. As your kids move out, they are always your kids, but now you are more of a counselor to them. They ask you for advice but basically run their own lives. Parents that do not understand this transition usually do not do well. They end up interfering too much in the lives of their kids. Things get messy that way.

Fourth, the way that dad is bring the kids up is in the instruction of the Lord. He’s not following what others are doing. Sometimes this can cause a few bumps in the church. We feel that everyone ought to be doing what I’m doing. We think that we have figured things out pretty well. We got a corner on this parenting thing. Strict bedtimes. Never any sodas. Limited TV. And then our child spends a Sunday afternoon with a family from church. And, oh my! They are drinking Cokes. They have the TV blaring. Those kids get to stay up past 10. You feel that your child has been ruined. How terrible these other parents must be. You tell yourself that your kids will never, ever go there again. But the truth be told, they’ll survive. It’s not nearly as bad as you think it is. The other family does things differently. They can still go to Heaven. They are not doing anything immoral or wrong. We can confuse our way as the Lord’s way. There is no bending when it comes to the Lord’s way. We must stand united on that. But our way may change. It’s interesting to see how the same parents are with the first child and the last child. They have learned some things along the way and are not so bothered by so many things.

Bring them up…that’s the call and our charge as parents. Take them by the hand and show them. That’s what we must do.

Roger

Jump Start # 1351

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

  Teaching our children about the Lord is a priority that belongs in the home. This ought to be a must among moms and dads. Children learn about God and are impressed about the kingdom by the attitudes, decisions and engagement of parents. This starts early and it starts with the basics. As children grow, so must the lessons and the applications. God should never be far from their lives. Parents are that reminder. Saying things such as, “Have you prayed about that,” helps to keep God before them.

This godly shaping will have major impacts upon a child as they grow and decide which major to pursue in college. Chasing after high paying jobs isn’t always the best decision. The life of theatre, pro sports, or professional acting can take a huge hit on one’s faith. It can be done, but it isn’t easy. So often, one’s faith becomes the causality in the pursuit of the career. This is a huge disappointment to God and it ought to be for parents.

I’m seeing more and more that it’s not. I hear of parents bragging about their child off to an Ivy league school, or chasing the sports dream and when asked where that child attends church, there is silence. He doesn’t have much time for that or, he hasn’t found a congregation, or he’ll get back to that once he’s settled down. Really? The child’s faith has died and parents don’t even see it. And worse, they don’t seem to be bothered by that.

Then it continues with the child dating and getting married. Faith doesn’t enter the picture. A person will share the same bed, and sometimes even the same toothbrush, but they don’t share the same faith? The parents are happy that their child has found someone who is sweet, or has a good job, or comes from a good family, but nothing is said about faith. The person you marry has the biggest impact upon you going to Heaven or not. Has the parents advised their child carefully along this line? What happens when the young couple has children? Will they be raised as our verse instructs? Or, will they simply know how to change a tire, balance the checkbook but know nothing about the Lord?

There are fewer things that hurt more than realizing your grown child no longer walks with the Lord. This is happening all over the country. Parents are at a loss as to why this is. They claim that they have taken him to church since the child was a baby. And today, that child never darkens the door of the church house. He has an amazing job. He lives in a fine house. His life is good. And for many families, this seems to be enough. It is never talked about. It is never studied, discussed or brought up. Choices were made a long, long time ago that led to where the child is today.

Do we take to heart passages such as:

• Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior (2 Pet. 3:18)
• Be strong in the Lord (Eph 6:10)
• Act like men (1 Cor 16:13)
• Always abounding in the work of the Lord (1 Cor 15:58)
• Love the Lord with all your heart, mind and soul (Mt 22:37)

Why is there such a leadership crisis in the kingdom today? Men are put in position to be leaders who do not understand what they are supposed to do, so they run the church like a business. Other congregations have no one who can or will step up to lead. Why is there such a void of gifted male teachers in the kingdom today? Why is there so many that fill the pews but do not engage themselves in the work of the kingdom? Fingers are usually pointed to the congregation. Poor preaching. Lack of classes that are meaningful. Stale. Boring. Dull. So, what if it is? What’s going on at home can be so much different. It’s the home where the Bible comes alive. It’s the home where the TV is turned off and real and relevant discussions that place. It’s before that child leaves elementary school that discussions about dating and what you want to be when you grow up have taken place. During those middle school years those lessons are focused even more. During high school years, those choices are beginning to take shape. Who is your child dating? Who they date is who they marry? If the number one reason is that the person looks good, then that becomes the foundation of the marriage. Those marriages don’t seem to last very long. Looks change. Someone better looking comes along. The purpose and reason for the marriage soon falls apart. If the lesson taught has been find someone who makes you happy, what happens when they are not happy? Off they go and the marriage ends. If the lesson has been, make someone else happy, what if they are not happy, the same thing happens again. But if God has been taught and God is the foundation and God is the reason and the glory of God is what becomes the purpose, then the marriage takes on a different meaning. It will be a special relationship because God has been invited and has been asked to remain in that relationship.

If your goal as a parent is to simply get them out of the house, then that will be done, but you will have missed your greatest opportunity to show them Jesus. If the goal is a great job, then school and grades become the number one emphasis in the home. If it’s sports, then practices and games becomes the most important thing. But if it is discipleship and Heaven, then that shapes the choices, the decisions that parents make. I’ve known parents that have not signed the little ones up for summer sports because the games will conflict with church services. They have decided that church services are much more important. Other parents don’t think that way. Their child grows up thinking that you go to church unless there is something more important. Some days, sleeping in bed seems more important and down the road they travel of a compromising and weak faith. And later in life, their parents wonder why their grown child no longer is interested in spiritual things? Really?

Parents, it starts early. It starts at home. It starts with God. Your goal is a follower of Christ. You want your child to be a disciple of Jesus. You want your child to live for Jesus, no matter what they do. That’s what it’s all about. To miss this, is to miss everything.

Evangelism begins at home.

Roger