Jump Start # 3278

Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

It happens all the time. Sometimes it’s intentional, other times it is a simple mistake. I’m talking about being ignored, not included, not invited, even avoided. Those things can hurt. They can happen in the most innocent ways. I saw it the other day. A group were standing around after services. One came up and hugged this one, then that one, then another one, but one wasn’t hugged. Did he feel slighted? Did he feel less important than the others? Why hug most but not all? And, it’s simple, innocent things like that, people remember. It sticks like mold on a wall. And, out of that arises bitterness. And, I expect one of the greatest reasons why people switch congregations or drop out completely is that they don’t feel accepted. Everyone else is invited, but me, and I notice. Everyone else is asked for their input, but me, and I notice. Always on the outside. Always excluded. Always left looking through the window but never invited in. Lonely, hurting, feeling unloved and not wanted, the sad disciple walks away with his head hung low.

This happens. This happens in family settings. This happens in the church family. The simple solution is stop doing this. Include everyone. That seems like such an easy fix, but some don’t want others invited, included and to be in their circle of friends.

What to do when you are left on the outside? What to do when it seems people do not want you around? How does one handle slights?

First, remember God isn’t this way. God loves all of us. Jesus went to Samaria. Jesus went to the home of tax collectors. Jesus cast demons out of a Canaanite girl. Jesus healed the servant of a Roman soldier. Jesus prayed for Roman soldiers at the cross. You may feel like you belong on the island of misfit toys, and that may be the way you are treated, but not by God. His grace, His love, His blessings flow equally to you as anyone else. He hears your prayers as much as anyone else.

Second, realize that Satan would love to drive a wedge between you and your church family. Unity is powerful. Fellowship is strong. If Satan can get us upset with one another, we take our eyes off the goal, we stop what we ought to be doing and we begin to think ill thoughts of one another. Our verse today strings six very negative words together. They are all connected to each other. One naturally leads to the next. And, when these six words are filling our hearts, it’s hard to worship. It’s hard to be joyful. It’s hard to think of the church as a family. It’s hard to enjoy fellowship. One looks for the door and ducks out as quickly as possible. Satan wants you to be bitter towards your brethren. Satan loves it when we take sides. Brother against brother takes the attention off of fighting the devil, the real enemy.

Third, realize that sometimes what happened was innocent. A person simply forgot to include others. It was an innocent overlook. They did not mean to exclude you. They did not mean for you to not be hugged. Some of this falls to us. We can be master builders of making mountains out of mole hills and creating problems in our minds that do not exist in reality. Our reaction and our response towards these people says a lot about who we are and our character. Because we were left out, do we now avoid that person. Do we treat them like we believe they have treated us? Some how in all of this, our emotions get the best of us, and how quickly we forget the golden rule. Oh, yes, that golden rule! Treat others the way you want to be treated. They may not treat you the same way, but that won’t change how you treat them. Carry a smile. Be pleasant. Don’t drop those little bombs like, “Well, I would have come, but I wasn’t invited. No one likes me.” The only person that enjoys a pity party is the one who creates it. So, be bigger than that. Don’t carry grudges. Don’t invite others and purposely exclude one because you think she doesn’t like you.

Treat others better. Don’t keep track of those hurts.

Some need to really spend some time with Jesus, because they don’t get it. They hurt the kingdom by their petty thoughts and their insider club mentality that only certain people can be a part of. Jesus is not like this. They are not showing the world Jesus by this childish behavior. Hurting the little ones doesn’t set well with Jesus. The more of the world that is in us the more we hurt one another. The more that Jesus is in us the more understanding, grace and love will flow from us.

Ignored. Excluded. Left out. Not invited. I’ve been there. It hurts at the moment, but focus upon what you have in the Lord. Don’t allow bitterness to ruin your heart and the fellowship that you need.

Roger

Jump Start # 3090

Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice”

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about forgiveness. And, it seems that whenever one writes or preaches about that topic, many questions surface. This forgiving stuff is hard. Our culture and society doesn’t encourage forgiving. Commercial after commercial on TV are about lawsuits. Been in a car wreck, call this attorney. Taken this medicine, call this attorney.

One of our readers asked me to write some additional thoughts on the topic of forgiveness. In Luke 17, which was the basis of the earlier Jump Start on forgiveness, Jesus said if someone sins against you seven times in a day and repents, forgive him. Now, the question before us, “What if the person doesn’t repent?” Or, “what if they vaguely repent,” such as, “If I have hurt anyone I apologize.” “If?” So, I suppose if no one was hurt, then the person doesn’t apologize. What are we to do if a person doesn’t repent? What is our response if a person doesn’t apologize?

Let’s put some thoughts to this:

First, the way I hear some present this, one gets the impression that they hope the person doesn’t apologize. It seems it gives them a right to not be nice. Forgiveness is a choice. Although it is commanded by God and expected among His people, it remains a choice. Some things are easier to forgive than other things. It helps to understand what forgiveness is NOT:

• Forgiveness is not denial. Just putting the pain out of your mind doesn’t mean you have forgiven the person. Refusing to talk about the incident, or take the steps to make things better is not forgiveness.

• Forgiveness is not reconciliation. It takes one to forgive. It takes two for reconciliation to take place.

• Forgiveness is not avoiding or ignoring a person. I’ve been with a person in a store when he saw someone coming down the isle that he had an issue with. He turned and went the other way. That’s not forgiveness.

• Forgiveness is not saying, “It’s alright.” It’s not alright. A sin was committed and you were hurt. That’s never right. It’s not right with you and it’s not right with God. Not wanting to deal with confrontation has led many people to just suffer silently.

Second, our verse today, well illustrates what happens to us internally when we do not forgive. The pain consumes us. It messes us up on the inside. We can’t move on and we can’t move past what happened. We feel compelled to tell others. Bitterness, anger, wrath are the natural results that comes from a heart that has been hurt. It takes forgiveness to heal. It takes forgiveness to move on. Let’s be honest. There are many bitter Christians today. They are that way because they have never forgiven. It’s hard to worship when someone a few pews away has hurt us. I’ve known folks who purposely go out other doors of the church house just so they do not have to encounter the person that hurt them. And for some, this goes on for decades.

Third, the choice of forgiveness lies within me, not the person who hurt me. If I say that I can only forgive you if you repent, then what happens if you never repent? NEVER. That means you continue to control the situation. You continue to hurt me. It’s on your time table. Whenever you decide to repent, it is then that I must forgive. And, during this time, bitterness, anger, wrath remain within me. One writer described forgiveness as a key. And when he unlocked the door, he found that he had been the prisoner all this time.

Now, the problem with this is that some will say that God doesn’t operate this way. If we do not repent, we will perish, is what Jesus said. There is no forgiveness from God if there is no godly sorrow on our part. Yet, how can I say that it is possible for us to choose to forgive if the other party will not repent. I say this because of our verse today. I say this because I refuse to let the hurting party continue to control the situation. I say this because it is driven by love. I say this because I do not want bitterness and anger to fill my heart. I say this because I want to move on.

So, here is a person and they will not apologize. They refuse to repent. They will not admit that they did anything wrong. Arrogantly, they say we have the problem, not them. There is no change in their life. What are we to do?

First, I’d forgive. I’d let it go. I would put that pain in an unmarked grave and I would not revisit it. Clara Barton, the early advocate for women nurses, was torn apart by a scathing editorial. She was attending a banquet where that editor was going to be. A friend reminded her of this. She replied, “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” Forgiveness is a choice. You can keep picking the scab or you can let the wound heal.

Second, I would put some distance between me and that person. Being unapologetic, I would not give him another opportunity to hurt me further. I will pray for him. I will care for him. I can even worship with him. But his heart is not right and for now, I need some healing. Some people you can only love from a distance because of the way they are.

Third, I’d pray hard for myself that I do not think evil, allow bitterness to consume me and have a hard heart towards this person. Time, forgiveness and prayer are great medicines for a hurting heart. As you heal, try to do more with the hurting person. I have found that kindness and love can melt a hard heart. I’ve known some, years later, who with tears running down their faces, came and apologized for being so cruel to a person. They could not understand how the victim continued to be kind, thoughtful and helpful.

These things are hard for us. In a perfect world, no one would hurt anyone. And, it that happened, immediately the person would apologize and beg for a second chance. Forgiveness would be offered and everything would be great. But our world is not perfect. We hurt each other. Sometimes we do not realize that we have hurt others. When we do, we must be quick to make things right.

Do I have to forgive someone who won’t repent? Forgiveness is a choice. It is to choose healing. It is to choose Christ. It is to choose making things better. What’s the other option? Thinking badly towards someone? Leaving a congregation? Telling others? Revenge? None of those choices are good.

Put all bitterness out…forgiveness is the door which opens and allows bitterness to leave.

Roger

Jump Start # 2986

Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

I have been doing a bit of flying lately. Airports. Luggage. Security checks. Masks. And, a whole lot of waiting. Usually, I have something to work on while I’m sitting in airports, but there are times when I just watch people. I watch the people coming off a plane, I watch the people who are waiting and I watch those who are trying to serve the rest of us. Old people. Young people. Parents with little ones. People with dogs. People who seem to be late and they are hurrying as fast as they can. Lots of people eating. Nearly everyone on their phones, talking, texting, playing games and watching videos. One thing I don’t see much of these days are smiles. I supposed traveling takes the smiles out of us. Some look liked they haven’t smiled in a long time.

This leads us to our verse today. There is a two step principle. The first step is to put away or lay aside. That’s our verse. The second step is to add character, color and Christ to your hearts. That’s the next verse. It’s not enough to dump the junk. One must replace it with the excellent qualities that are found in Jesus. Dumping the junk leaves us empty.

The first word in this list is bitterness. Believe it or not, bitterness is a choice. It can be removed, if one will only do that. Bitterness makes us sour. And, the words that follow, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice tend to come from a bitter heart. You won’t find anger in the heart that is blessed, happy and content. People are bitter because they have chosen to be bitter.

Now, that thought is interesting to me. Why would anyone want to be bitter? A bitter person doesn’t have a good day. A bitter person isn’t a joy to be around. Misery, gloom and doom are the trio that follows bitterness.

Here are some thoughts:

First, it isn’t what happens in life that causes one to be bitter. Most times a bitter person will point to the unfairness, the disappointments, the heartache and the troubles of life and use those things as an excuse as to why he is bitter. I can’t help it. Look what has happened. You’d be bitter too, he reasons, if this happened to you. But this deflates our verse today. If the environment and circumstances around me cause me to be bitter, then I simply can’t help it and I certainly can’t put it aside. In essence, I am along for the ride. What happens to me is beyond my control and how I react to that is not my fault. I wouldn’t be bitter if I had a trouble free day.

But all of this is bologna. A bitter person and a joyful person have the same things happen to them. There are funerals. There are people that disappoint them. There are things that break. There are days when nothing seems to go right. Yet, one is joyous, pleasant, content and a delight to be around. He’s had all those troubles, however he has chosen to be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving, as the next passage states. The bitter person has chosen to focus upon the troubles and not the Lord. The bitter person blames the troubles. The bitter person becomes jealous of the joyful person and believes that the joyful person never has any problems. The bitter person remains bitter because he has chosen that. It’s not the amount of troubles, it’s the choice one makes.

Second, the bitter person has a difficult time counting his blessings. It’s hard to see blessings when you are busy counting your troubles. The focus of the bitter person is inward and towards himself. He has little, he believes, to be thankful for. He wants the world to know about his problems. He wants others to join him in his pity party. Nothing is right. Nothing is good. Even in worship, the bitter person will find something to complain about. His misery is taking over his life. He can’t see anything good. But for the joyful person, his heart explodes with gratitude for the Lord. God has been so good to him. He sees God’s hand in his life in so many ways. Does the joyful person have problems? Certainly. However, he is also aware that the Lord is there and is a present help, even in the midst of troubles.

Third, the bitter person actually has a faith issue. He doesn’t see good in trials. He learns nothing in difficult times. His prayer life is non-existent. His dependence upon God is little. Dickens began his “Tale of Two Cities,” with, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Not for the bitter person. It’s all bad. It’s always bad. And, the only hope for the bitter person turning around is faith in Christ. Understanding that with Jesus, things will only get better. That may not happen here, but it certainly will in Heaven. The best is yet to come for the child of the Lord. Why are some bitter and some joyful? It’s not the amount of problems. It’s choices they made that were based upon what faith they had. The smaller one’s faith, the greater the problems seem to be and the more likely one will be bitter. The greater the faith, the more this person sees the Lord and the more likely he will be joyful.

Put away all bitterness. Not just the big stuff, but even the little stuff. Bitterness will not make you a better person. It will not make you have greater thoughts about the Lord. What it will do is turn you into a miserable person. People don’t like to be around miserable people. The expression, “misery loves company,” is because misery loves to sing the blues and tell others how terrible life is. Misery wants others to join the sad, pitiful, complaining society of bitterness. Some I believe are charter members. They have been bitter so long that they don’t know any other way to be. When they have a joyful moment, they think something is wrong.  Paul tells us to put this away. Put a lid on it. Toss it out. Don’t be bitter. It’s your choice. Those around you would not choose bitterness for you. They would want you to be joyful and happy. Yet, we choose it for ourselves.

Even in festive holiday times, there are those who line up with the Grinch and want to steal the joy from everyone else. Don’t be this way. Choose to be joyful. It will make a difference in you life.

Roger

Jump Start # 2444

Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

   Our verse today deals with attitudes that will wreck the path that we are on and ruin all the good that we have accomplished. These six words are connected and one leads to the next. These words are relationship words. They reflect how one feels and treats others. These words also show a heart that is empty of Jesus. And, by the expression, “be put away from you,” these attitudes can be stopped and tossed out of our lives.

The first in this long series of train wreck is bitterness. You won’t find a smile upon the face of a bitter person. Miserable, sour and mean—that’s the bitter person. And, the bitter person tries to make others just as miserable as he is.

I know some bitter people. They are certainly no fun to be around. It’s hard to talk to a bitter person. They are likely to shoot everything you say down. They don’t want solutions. They don’t want hope and future. Doom and despair is the life of the bitter person.

There are countless reasons why some are bitter. Some feel that they have been cheated by life. Others got things they never did. They had to work hard, but they never saw the benefits like others did. They didn’t have the open doors like others did. Some are bitter because the way they feel others have treated them. Some are bitter because they are jealous. Some are bitter, but they are not sure why, they just are.

It’s hard to understand why a person would stay bitter, but many do. Many have been bitter for decades. They are mad at God. They are upset at the church. They don’t like brethren. Some, hate the job they work at. And, the odd thing to me is that so many remain bitter. They don’t work on getting rid of their bitterness. You get the impression that some like to be miserable. They would rather complain than compliment. They would rather see what’s wrong than what’s right. They aren’t happy unless others are unhappy. Gloom and doom.

Bitterness in a marriage is a sure death. It’s hard to be close to someone who is always complaining and against everything. Bitterness in a congregation is certain to stop growth and kill momentum. There is no ‘I’m happy today, I’m happy today,’ from the lips of a bitter person. A bitter person would find something wrong with Heaven, if he ever made it there.

So, the key to killing bitterness is simply to stop it. Lay it aside, is what our verse tells us. Count your blessings. Look at what the Lord has done for you. Get over yourself and do something for someone else.

There are some things that should not be tolerated, and bitterness is one of them. Left alone, bitterness invites anger and wrath to tag along. Now, you really have problems. Bitterness doesn’t see straight and it doesn’t think clearly. Bitterness belongs to the world and not the child of God.

So, life hasn’t been fair to you…pray.

So, others got things you never did…rejoice for them.

So, some had it easier than you did…grow.

So, someone let you down…forgive.

So, you feel left out and alone…connect.

So, you are upset and angry…get over it.

So, you never got what you deserve…be thankful.

You can tell when bitterness is starting up in you. It’s like having a fever. It starts slowly and gradually. Left alone, it’ll take over. Bitterness will do the same. Stop looking around so much at others and comparing. Lift up your eyes and see what the Lord has done for you.

It’s time to toss the bitterness. Best start now, before it gets too late.

Roger

Jump Start # 2305

Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

In our Jump Start yesterday we talked about being transformed rather than conforming to the world. In that Roman passage Paul reveals that the transformation takes place by the renewing of our minds. This I believe is the hardest aspect of putting distance between us and the sinfulness of the world. It’s one thing to stay away from the drinking parties and the evil influences that are found in the world. However, it is so hard to change the way one thinks. That renewing of the mind is a constant struggle and it is where the battle is won or lost.

Our verse today reminds us that there are attitudes and thoughts, that eventually become our behaviors, that must be put away. Paul identifies six evil thoughts that determines how we treat others. These all begin in our minds. Unchecked and unstopped, these lead to all kinds of trouble in the home and in every relationship one has.

The question from this, “How does one keep from becoming bitter?” Bitterness quickly turns into anger, which is manifested by clamor, slander, malice and wrath. Those all are directly related to anger which naturally follows bitterness. Stop the bitterness and you stop many of these things. But how? There are so many things to be bitter about.

Unfairness causes one to be bitter. The recent scandal about the rich and famous paying bribes to get their darlings into elite colleges, is enough to make those who worked hard, were honest and above board the entire process to be bitter. Someone may have been denied admittance because room was made for the bribed kid. Unfair. It sure is.

It is unfair how some take advantage of others in a crisis. A storm passes through and damages homes. Guys show up with the promises to clean up and repair things. Money is collected and then they skip town. Bitter.

Bullies in life are enough to make some bitter. When your child is bullied, you feel like following him to school and taking care of the bully. But those thoughts are leading us through anger and straight into wrath. See how quickly and easily that happens.

Ripped off by salesmen. Bitter. Something happens at work, or even down at the church house that you feel is not right, proper or good. Immediately you feel bitter. A man’s name is put out before the congregation to be an elder and before the day is over, wicked hearts attack him and his family and falsely accuse him to the point that he withdraws his name. Others know that all of this is a sham. A power play is unfolding and certain people are moving into position to have their way, even if it’s a false way. You nearly blow a fuse. This is so wrong. Good people have been hurt. It seems like nothing can be done. You are bitter and you begin to entertain ways to get even, and put an end to these wicked plans.

It’s easy to be bitter. It’s hard to keep the world’s way of thinking out. The culture we were raised in, the atmosphere that we work in, the attitudes we see on TV and in the movies, all pull us toward the bitter way. Think about the daytime commercials on TV. If you have been injured, they begin, call an attorney. No one thinks about forgiveness. It’s sue. Bitter, angry, now get revenge. That renewing of the mind is a struggle. It’s not what we naturally want. We find no examples of it around us. Everyone allows their feelings to run their lives.

And, when we think like the world, it’s no wonder that we often act like the world. The world defines life, death, success, happiness so differently than God does. The purpose of life is seen very differently from the world’s standpoint. What God values, the world doesn’t. What God wants from us, the world turns it’s back from and walks another way.

Renewing the mind. Tough to do, but something we must do if we expect to please the Lord, distance ourselves from bitterness and not follow the drum beat that the world listens to.

To renew the mind begins with a purpose and a plan. One must want to renew the mind. One must see that the world’s way doesn’t work. The world’s way certainly isn’t Biblical nor pleasing to God. The plan in all of this is the word of God. One must fill his heart and mind with the word of God. Let the word dwell in you, is what the Ephesians were told. Let your mind dwell upon the right things is what the Philippians were told. Have the mind of Christ in you. You do this by putting others first. You do this by forgiving. You do this by applying the golden rule. You do this by loving your neighbor as yourself.

To renew the mind we must think first, before we speak and capture our thoughts. We live among broken people. They will, as we sometimes still do, choose wrong rather than right. People will be mean. People will side with sin. People will hurt. I think it shocks some that people of the world do not act like Christians. We expect the world to be kind, it’s not. We expect the world to be fair. It’s not. We expect the world to be patient. It’s not. We expect the world to forgive. It won’t. So the thinking of the world is opposite of Christ. What we hear all around us each day is not what we must use. Our thoughts must be shaped by the Scriptures. When more and more of God’s word shapes our hearts then our minds become shaped and the outcome is transformation through a renewed mind. The mind thinks differently than what it once did. The mind thinks rather than reacts. The mind thinks rather than following the calls of the world. The mind is different than that of the world. The mind is renewed. The mind is transformed.

To renew the mind is a constant reflection upon our part. Things happen. Often anger and bitterness rises to the surface in an instant. The transformed person realizes this. He catches this. He stops this before any words or actions are formed. He changes his thinking. Right then and there he is reminded of Scriptures. He is reminded of what the Lord would do and what the Lord would want from him. Something happens and the child of God is hurt. Those around encourage him to do something back. That sure sounds good until Scriptures remind him of the way the Lord acted at the cross. The child of God pulls back. He won’t pursue striking back. He is not interested in getting even. He is thinking differently than ever before. He is thinking better than he ever has before. He has no regrets. There are no words that he later has to apologize for. There are no actions that got him in trouble.

Our verse today is followed by: “And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Eph 4:32). Each of those are choices. Instead of being bitter, he is kind. Instead of being angry and full of wrath, he is tender hearted. Instead of slander and malice, he forgives. He does that, because God has already done that to him. He does that because he is now thinking differently.

Renewing the mind—it’s tough to do, but you can do it, if you want.

Roger