Jump Start # 2983

1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow-heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Yesterday in our Jump Start we pointed out that man is different from animals. His position, his creation, his role—totally defined by God and separate from the animal kingdom. Today, we go another step and talk about the differences between men and women. Society wants us to believe that anything a man can do, a woman can do, and vise versa. So engraved is this thought in our culture that a person can switch genders back and forth as he pleases. Men and women are not the same. We are not the same biologically. We are not wired the same. We do not have the same roles and functions. That is not saying one is greater, better, more superior or more intelligent than the other. They have different roles given to them by God.

Our verse today is directed to husbands. Treat your wife correctly and carefully. Honor her. The way you treat her impacts and affects your relationship with God. Your very prayers can be hindered because you did not live with your wife in an understanding way.

That little expression, ‘understanding way,’ says so much. One husband bemoaned, ‘the only thing I understand about my wife is that I don’t understand her.’ But on a much higher level, isn’t this what fellowship involves- Understanding each other. Isn’t this where true shepherding begins, understanding the flock. It’s a problem of the ages. Teens cry that their parents don’t understand them. The divorced cries that no one understands what they have been through. The person who lost a child, says, ‘no one understands what that is like.’ No one understands preachers, except fellow preachers. The list can go on and on. Does anyone understand?

Here are some thoughts:

First, we can make the mistake that everyone else sees and feels about things like I do. That’s a major mistake husbands make. The wife wants to watch a movie. She’s thinking, Hallmark Christmas movies. He’s thinking something with a lot of bullets, crashes and bad guys. Let’s grab a bite to eat, she says. She’s thinking a nice tea room, something with atmosphere and healthy food. He’s thinking burger and fries. A big mistake is thinking that everyone else sees things the way I do. Most don’t. You can pout about it. You can have an argument over it. Or, you can begin to understand each other.

Second, understanding comes from communication. We can’t read each other’s minds. “I know what you’re thinking,” is actually a guess, a shot in the dark. The more we talk, the more we understand each other. The more we are guarded and give safe answers, the less that other person will really know us. We’ve painted a picture for them to see, but it’s not true. Sometimes honest conversations hurt. One can be kind about it, but being truthful is just that, being truthful. If you say you like something when you don’t, then that leaves the wrong idea. Communication is the key. Now, the less we talk, the less we understand one another.

Third, what works for one often doesn’t work for the other. Long, hot baths just don’t fit in my timetable. Too much to do. Quick shower and hit the road is my way of thinking. I’m up early and go to bed late. If there was a way to bypass sleeping, I’d be for that. Now, my wife isn’t like that. She doesn’t go by the “five second rule” when something falls on the floor. I do, especially if it’s chocolate. Just blow on it and pop it in the mouth. She keeps her car cleaner than I do. What works for her is different than what works for me. The same goes spiritually for a couple. Some like long conversations about verses. Some like to read chapters and chapters of the Bible at the same time. Some like long prayers. Some like to get to worship early and stay late. Others are walking in as things are starting. What works for one is different than the other.

Fourth, trying to change one to the other is possible in some ways but not in all ways. I’ve learned to like classical music because of my wife. We’ve been to zillions of concerts. I can recognize who composed some pieces by the style of the music. In that way, she has changed me and introduced things to me. My wife will go to baseball games with me. Like me at a classical concert, she at a baseball game may ask me several questions about why this and why that. But couples butt heads when one doesn’t become completely like the other. A total makeover is really impossible and not the best. Individual tastes brings perspective and insight that only enriches one and but it helps one polish the rough edges. We need that. We don’t need every church member to be like me. We need other insights, experiences and observations that will help all of us to open our eyes to what is around us.

Now, these same points work in parenting. They also work in shepherding. Live in an understanding way. That’s the goal. That’s what needs to be done. That takes time and effort. It also takes the desire and heart to want to understand. When that is lacking, the problem is deeper than understanding. It’s now a matter of indifference and even neglect.

Live in such a way…that also implies do not live in the other way.

Roger

Jump Start # 2780

1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

Our passage today reminds us of what God expects within a marriage. Surprisingly, the Covid-pandemic has not brought a significant increase in divorces as the professionals expected. Still, much needs to be taught about having a marriage that honors the Lord and is a blessing to others. The core foundational value of marriage is not one’s personal happiness. For if it is, when that happiness goes, so goes the reason to remain married. The foundation of the marriage needs to be God and glorifying Him through that relationship.

I was running through some slides on a lesson I did on divorce from a while back. I’d forgotten how sad these numbers were:

• 41% of first marriages end in divorce
• 60% of second marriages end in divorce
• The average length of a marriage is 8 years
• 43% of children are being raised without a father
• 1 in 3 women who are divorced will lose their home
• The average legal fees for a divorce run between $20,000-$30,000

The Common English version begins our verse today, “Submit by living with your wife in ways that honor her…” That takes the emphasis off of self and puts it on the other person. Honor the other person. Make them feel loved, wanted and accepted. And, I believe that we all need reminders of this. Those of us that have been married for decades can get sloppy in our relationship and like little gnats buzzing around, we can irritate more than we honor.

So, what does it take to make a marriage last? It’s more than simply putting the years into it. Some do that with their jobs, but they hate it every step of the way. They long for the day of retirement so they can be through with that job. Marriage shouldn’t be seen that way. That’s not the way God designed it.

I heard one preacher trying to explain our passage. He said, “the one thing I understand about my wife is that I don’t understand her.” That got a chuckle from the audience, but it left the passage hanging without an explanation. The Holy Spirit said to live with your wife in an understanding way. Just what way is that?

Here are a few thoughts:

First, be thoughtful of her. Generally, most wives want the house to look nice. That’s often much higher on her list than on the man’s list. For men, generally, how we define things picked up and put away is not the way she would define them. Understand that! So, you are going to be doing things that you probably wouldn’t do if you were living on your own. And, since you don’t want to live on your own, you’ll go out of your way to do things that pleases her. You’ll pick up stuff and put things where they go. You are not living in a locker room, nor is the room where the TV is at, a stadium where you toss cups on the ground.

Being thoughtful is much more than just picking up the mess you made. It’s thinking about her. I have a picture of my wife on my desk. I look at it several times throughout the day. When I’m stuck and can’t find the right word, I find myself looking at her picture. That helps me be mindful and thoughtful. That will lead you to saying a prayer for her. You’ll pray that she is safe today. You’ll pray that her day goes well. You’ll pray for her goodness and kindness to be seen by others. You’ll thank the Lord for her.

Second, to honor her, you’ll let her have first choice. Where do you want to eat? She often says, “I don’t care,” but I know what she would not choose. I don’t suggest those places. I know the kind of food she likes,  and the kind she does not like. Let her choose what movie to watch. She may not like bullets, car chases and bombs exploding, my type of movie. She may like a movie where the characters talk and they talk a lot. She may like movies about family and love. Honor her. Sit through those without sighing, complaining or making editorial comments about how poor the acting is, or how predicable the plot was. She likes it and you honor her by liking it. Let her choose. That honors her.

Third, by being a person of God. That’s one of the best ways you show that you love her. Be the person that God wants you to be. Be holy. Be a servant. Be kind. Be engaged in the kingdom. Be a leader. Be generous. You help your marriage when you step up and be the person that God wants you to be. Sprinkle grace, forgiveness, gentleness and kindness in your conversations, actions and attitudes. What a difference that makes in your marriage.

How do you stay married? Do what you did when you were dating. A couple has to want to be married more than they want to be divorced. Bumps, stress and trials happen in a marriage. But side by side, one in name and one in aim, two people can honor the Lord just as He intended.

Making marriage work—it is a work. But it happens every day, when a man and woman step up and have the heart that the Lord wants.

Roger

Jump Start # 1234

1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace o f life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

  Several places in the New Testament, Ephesians, Colossians, and here in Peter, God gives specific instructions to husbands and wives. Marriage isn’t easy. Two becoming one can be hard, especially when each in the marriage thinks the other ought to think and do what they want. In our passage today, Peter addresses husbands. He says, “You husbands in the same way…” The same way was used in verse 1 toward the wives. It carries us back to the end of chapter two and how Christ behaved when mistreated during His trials. In the same way, do what is right. In the same way, you act, don’t react.

Husbands are told three things.

First, Peter reminds men that they are not God’s sole gift to the world. Wives are “fellow heirs.” Men are not the sole heir. Fellow or joint, means sharing. They share God’s grace, blessings and promises. Women can feel like second rate citizens in the church,  but that’s not how God views them. Peter is reminding husbands about this.

Second, Wives are to be treated as weaker vessels. This does not mean that she is literally weaker. I know some wives that could probably beat their husbands up. This statement deals with how husbands are to treat their wives. She not a cheap piece of plastic that you toss in the back of your pickup that rolls around for a month or so. Instead, she’s fragile. She’s expensive. When moving, we take the breakable things and wrap them up with bubble wrap. We gentle sit it in a box and fill the box with those shipping peanuts. Then we tape it up carefully and write “Fragile” on the top of the box. Then when moving boxes, we sit it on the top so nothing else will sit on it. We take care of those fragile things. This is how the husband is to treat his wife. She’s not one of the guys. She’s not to be teased and punched in the arm as you might do one of the guys. Treat her special. Treat her as something breakable, expensive and fragile. “Handle with care” ought to be stamped on her forehead so we guys would get the message.

Third, and most difficult, live with her in an understanding way. Understand your wife. One guy complained, ‘The only thing I understand about my wife is that I don’t understand her.’ The feminist movement has tried and failed to show that men and women are the same. We are not. In some areas, they may do the same work. They may receive the same pay. But men and women are different. We look different. We act different. We are different. Consider a few ways:

• Like most guys I have one wallet. Mine is black. I wear it with my suit. I wear it with jeans. I take it to the ball game and I take it to the symphony. One wallet, all seasons. Women have purses, lots of purses. They have casual, jean wearing purses. They have fancy purses. They have some that are so large that a small child could fit in it. Black, brown, fancy, plain, big, little, shiny, stripped, poka-dot, shoulder bags, hand held ones—different purses for the occasion and for the season.

• Guys don’t go to the bathroom together. We wait until one comes back to the table and then we go. Women all go together, like a little party. I’m not sure why, but they do.

• When traveling, I can carry all the things I need to get ready in a zip lock bag. Razor, brush, toothbrush, paste, cologne, little tube of shampoo, deodorant—that’s pretty much it. One zip lock bag and I’m ready to go. It’s different with wives. They have a truck load of shampoos, conditioners, brushes, creams and things that I’m not sure what they do. They have those things so they look good. None of these things are right or wrong. It illustrates that men and women are different.

Peter is telling husbands to understand your wives. Live with them in an understanding way. They are not you, guys. They are not going to think like a man thinks. They are not going to respond like a man responds. The other night I was watching a movie. It was great. It was a war movie. Lots of shooting and planes dropping bombs. The enemy was getting destroyed by the American troops. My wife happened to walk through the room. She paused and asked, “what are you watching?” I said, “A war movie.” She said, “Oh.” It was, Oh and then she left the room. I understand “Oh.” Oh means she don’t like watching people get shot and dying. She’s not into zombies either. There’s too much chomping, chewing and blood by the zombies. Oh means this is a show that she won’t sit and watch with me. Oh means I have better things to do than watch bombs blow people up. Now in my book, watching bombs blowing up bad guys is pretty important. Understand her. That’s what Peter is saying.

It is interesting that Peter doesn’t tell wives to understand their husbands. I suppose that would help relationships, but most guys are not that complicated. We are pretty easy to figure out. It’s the other way around that Peter is after. Husbands are to understand their wives. This means that we must learn to speak “womaneze”. We must learn what they need and what they like. We must learn how to comfort them when they’ve had a bad day. War movies work for me, it doesn’t for my wife. My wife is more complicated than I am when it comes to food. I’ll eat about anything, especially if you sprinkle chips on the top. Add some chocolate and I’ll just about lick the sidewalk. We were at the store the other day. She was looking at breakfast bars. She was reading the box. I only read the box if there is a game on it. She is interested in calories, carbs, fat, salt and those things. I’m interested in what it tastes like. We shop differently. She looks, thinks and looks some more. I’m more the Biblical type of shopper, “seek and ye shall find.” I go in looking for something specific, find it and leave.

So all of this leads to two conclusions:

We are different and for that I am glad. I wouldn’t want her to be just like me. It would be bad news if there were two of us that were just the same. She compliments me, brings the best out of me and helps me in so many wonderful ways. When the kids call, I get to the point and am finished within five minutes. She’ll talk and talk. They like that. This tells me that God designed the home with a man and a woman. A dad and a mom are not the same. The kids will run to mom when they want tenderness, kisses and comfort. They’ll go to dad when something is broken or they want answers. The homosexual community can’t deal with this. Two moms, or two dads, don’t work. Even when one is acting like the opposite sex, they are not. God knew what He was doing.  The home at it’s best, has a mom and a dad. That’s the way God wants it to be.

Second, for men to understand their wives, they must work at it. They must quit being so stubborn, selfish and pigheaded and give it a try. Peter tells us that we are to, which means that we can. Conversations, situations, and time together helps us to understand. Many wives are crushed by insensitive husbands who have not tried to know and understand them. This is wrong. Much of this falls into the category of wanting to. If a man wants to know his wife he can. If he doesn’t, then he won’t. The relationship will suffer when he doesn’t try. It will suffer if he treats her like one of the guys. We’ve got to be better at this men.

Marriage, when it’s working, nothing beats it. When it’s not working, fewer things are more miserable. The joy of marriage comes from a couple that works at it.

Roger

Jump Start # 1186

1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

Marriage– it’s something special. It takes work because you don’t get your way. It’s a unity. Two people, two ideas, two backgrounds. One person said, “When God said the two shall become one, the real question is which one?”

Peter is addressing relationships. He has already discussed servants and masters. He has devoted six verses to wives. Now, it’s husbands turn. One verse, but layers upon layers of thoughts here. Look at some of the layers:

• In the same way
• Understanding way
• As someone weaker
• Show her honor
• Fellow heir of the grace of life
• Prayers not be hindered

Peter reminds us that our relationship with our wife affects our spiritual life. I can’t be wrong with my wife and right with God. Prayers can be hindered because the man’s failure to live godly with his wife. I probably ought to write a whole series on this, but not now. Today, one expression. Live with her in an understanding way.

Men are to understand their wives. He has to study “wife 101.” He needs to understand what makes her tick. He needs to understand her language. He needs to know why she does what she does. He needs to know her spiritually. This is a work. As with anything we study and learn, we must put time and effort into it.

There are too many jokes that have become reality in too many homes concerning the inability to figure women out. “The one thing I understand about my wife is that I don’t understand her.” True, but get about knowing her.

The huge problem with all of this is that men and women are wired differently and operate differently. Men expect women to think like a guy. She won’t. And a wife doesn’t understand why her husband doesn’t think like she does. He won’t. Sometimes the communication issues in a marriage and the complaints of the husband being insensitive stem from not realizing men and women are different in their thinking.

Years ago I read a book that really helped explain all of this to me. The Mars and Venus books are good, but they deal mostly with communication. The book I read, Men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti, really helped me to see the differences in the way men and women think. If you look at a waffle, it looks like tiny boxes. One box next to another box. All the boxes touch one another. That’s how men think. They are in one box at a time. They leave one box and go to another box. We do well with our boxes. When the man is at work, he is in his work box. The wife will call and say that she has been thinking about him. She asks if he has been thinking about her. He replies ‘No. I’m at work.’ She doesn’t understand that and cries. He doesn’t understand her and gets frustrated. When he’s at work, he in the work box. That’s all he thinks about. At home, he has his TV box, a fixing stuff box, a hobby box and so forth. One box at a time. That’s guys.

Women are like a plate of spaghetti. If you look closely at spaghetti and try to follow one strand, it goes this way and that way. Under this piece and over that piece and some how connects to all the other pieces. That’s women. It’s not wrong, it’s just the way they are made. They see everything connected. So in a conversation with her husband, she brings up the kids and school. That leads to the neighbors, the dogs barking at night, her mother, next year’s vacation and church. For her everything is simple. The man is dizzy because he is jumping from box to box to box and she’s now talking about the church and he’s still trying to figure out what barging dogs have to do with the kid’s school. She gets upset with him and he gets frustrated with her. Boxes and spaghetti.

Add to this another dimension. She speaks wanting support, a listening ear, and comfort. He looks for solutions. She comes home from work upset with all the office drama. She’s wanting to vent. He’s trying to fix things. She doesn’t want changes, only a listening ear. He doesn’t understand why she won’t do something about all of this stuff.

Peter said “Understanding way.” Is there any hope for waffles and spaghetti? I preached a sermon on this once and a woman told me afterwards, “I’m getting a box cutter to help my man out of those boxes.” Not a bad idea. Understanding each other goes a long way. Men can’t become spaghetti. We are not wired that way. Women don’t do well in boxes. They are not wired that way. But understanding is the key. She leads him, slowly and helps him from topic to topic. She doesn’t overload him with too much information. He’s a processor and must take it all in and chew on it a while. The man must leap from box to box. Multitasking in his thinking is the key.

Communication is the fuel in a marriage. Two people who do not understand each other and cannot communicate will pull apart, get angry with one another and not trust each other. Talking. This is hard for men. We have one box that women can never ever understand. It’s simply called “Nothing.” We drive down the road and the wife asks, “What are you thinking about?” He says, “Nothing.” He’s not hiding things, being evasive or dodging the question. He is actually not thinking about anything. Nothing is a real place for guys. Women are always thinking. The mind never rests. When she hears “nothing,” she can’t deal with that. She thinks, ‘that’s not normal.’ Worse, she starts thinking, ‘You don’t love me anymore.’  That thought never came up with him. He wonders where did she pull that from. She asked and he said. He was honest. Nothing. She can’t deal with nothing.

Understanding each other is tough. It can be done. You work at it. You learn each other. You help each other. My wife is detailed oriented when telling a story. I’m not. General idea is good enough for me. I start telling a story, I get the thing messed up for her. I get the details wrong. Wrong date. Wrong place. That used to bother me, because she’d have to correct me and get the details right. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I try to get the details right, but I still mess it up. She’ll iron them out. Understanding. Getting the story right is important to her. I’m learning.

The opposite of Peter’s words are very scary. If we do not understand each other, we don’t know each other and then we find that we don’t have much in common or why are we even together. The understanding helps us in the difficult times. The understanding helps us spiritually. Different concerns. Different needs. Different likes. But together because we understand each other.

The direction of the passage is towards men. Husbands need to understand their wives. It is good when it works both ways, but maybe Peter knew something about us guys. Maybe he knew that it’s harder for us. Maybe he understood waffles and boxes.

Try working at it. Get to know each other.

Roger

Jump Start # 307

1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

  We return to Peter’s words for husbands. This passage reveals two central thoughts. First, live with her in an understanding way. That was our last Jump Start.

  The second thought Peter gives husbands is to grant her honor. The word “honor” carries the concept of excellence. In school there is the honor roll and the honor choir—the best of the best. In court, the judge is referred to as ‘your honor.’ Some colleges give out ‘honorary’ degrees to those who have made great achievements to life. Honor. The husband is to grant honor to his wife. This thought shows the attitude the husband is to have toward his wife. She is honorable. She is to be put on a pedestal. She is special.

 Peter gives us husbands two reasons to do this, other than the Bible says so. First, she is a fellow heir of the grace of life. She is equal spiritually. In the public worship the roles of men and women are different. The roles of Christ and His Father were different in bringing our salvation, but they were equals. Husbands are to grant their wives honor because she is a fellow heir. She too, is a recipient  of God’s mercy, grace and blessings. Heaven is as much for her as it is for him.

  The other reason Peter says these things is so that “your prayers may not be hindered.” To hinder something is to stand in the way or to prevent something. Failing to treat the wife as God wants, affects the man’s relationship with God. You can’t be wrong with your woman and right with God! Hindered prayers. Prayers that won’t reach Heaven. Prayers that are rejected and refused, and why, because we have failed to give our wives the honor that God says she deserves.

  I can hear some guys protesting this thinking, if she respected me then I would honor her. Have you ever come up to a four way stop the same time as another car does? You both wave for each other to go. You both start and then stop. Someone go! We do the same in marriage. We wait for the other, then we’ll get going. That’s not Bible thinking. The golden rule tells us to treat others, not the way we have been treated, but rather as we would like to be treated. Go first. Give the honor. Don’t lose your connection with God over this.

  Now, how do we give her honor? One way is how we talk to her. You talk to her, not down to her, not shouting at her. You allow her to talk. You spoil her some. You make her feel special. You do things that she wants to do. You treat her not as your property, but as a fellow heir. You seek her advice. You want her input. You share—thoughts, words, and heart.

  Honor…can you do it? Better question is, will you do it?

Roger