Jump Start # 1036

Job 2:13 “Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.”

The friends of Job—what a great lesson for all of us. There are times when we have the opportunity to sit with those who are hurting. For some, it’s literal pain. They have been through surgery, they don’t feel well and things are not going well. Others suffer greatly from emotional pain. There is a prodigal in the family who will not come home. There has been a divorce. There has been a death. The tears won’t stop flowing. The heartache steals sleep and appetite. It is a nightmare that has no end.

The friends of Job presents to us some lessons to be learned. They did some great things as well as enormous blunders.

1. They came. The friends of Job came from different places and they stayed. Nothing beats presence. I have walked into a surgery waiting room and seen a family sitting downcast and they looked up and color returned to their faces and the joy of presence lifted them. Phone calls are great. Cards have their place. But nothing beats being there. It’s hard with our schedules, but to a hurting family, it showed that you cared enough to come. I’m impressed that these friends of Job stayed for so long. Seven days and seven nights and this is before all the long debates began.

2. They sat in silence. That’s the hard part. In fact, had Job’s friends remained silent, he probably would have gotten along much better. We don’t like silence. Many only experience silence when they are asleep. They wake up to the clock radio playing music. The TV is on all day. The radio in the car is never turned off. There is noise and chatter at work. Silence. It’s hard for many of us. These four sat together and no one said anything—not for a moment. Not even for an hour, but for seven days and seven nights. Silence. So often we feel compelled to say something and in awkward situations, what we say generally comes out sideways and doesn’t help much. The classic ones are at the funeral home. We don’t know what to say, but feel like we must say something. Here is a list of actual things I’ve heard people say to a widow standing next to the casket containing her husband:

• “Did you have insurance?”
• “Do you think you’ll remarry?”
• “Can you afford to stay in the home?”
• “What did he say at the end?”
• “How much insurance did he leave you with?”
• “You’re lucky, at least you have insurance?”
• “How much did this funeral cost?”
• “That looks like an expensive casket. How much was it?”
• “Did he hurt at the end?”
• “Why are you crying? Wasn’t he a Christian? You ought to be happy.”
• “You probably don’t need anything, do you?”
• “Do you think you’ll be at church tomorrow?”
• “Hi, how are you doing?”

Really? It’s even worse at the death of a child. I’ve heard folks say, “Well, at least you have other children.” Most meant well. Most didn’t really think about what they said. It’s gotten so bad in recent times, I will prep a family before the visitation. I will tell the widow to just pat the hand of the person speaking, smile and say, “Thank you for coming.” Don’t answer the insane questions. Many are inappropriate, personal and none of their business.

Instead, what we ought to say, if we must say anything, “I’m sorry,” or, “You’re in my thoughts and prayers.” Give a hug and go sit down. Job’s friends sat for a week. Open your eyes, be useful. The box of tissues may run low, go find some. The family may need a bottle of water, go get it. Work in silence. Just be there. That is so important.

Then there is one other powerful thing you can do in your silence—PRAY. Pray that the grieving family finds comfort. Pray for their strength. Pray that you won’t say something dumb (that’s one I pray a lot). Pray that you can be a servant that helps. Then that’s it. Don’t toot your horn by telling the family all the things you did. Don’t hang around to get noticed. No, that ruins all the good you do. If you stay until the end, offer to bring the cars up for the family. Don’t smoother them. Grieving is very personal and you must allow them to be with just themselves. Don’t force your way into private conversations. Don’t be nosey.

Jesus understood the value of presence. Have you noticed how many times he went. He invited Himself into the home of Zaccheus. When the synagogue official’s daughter died, Jesus went. There is something about presence. You came. That says more than any words can.

Tomorrow we will look at the blunders of Job’s friends. The good that they did was ruined by these other things. That happens. It happens to us. We must learn. These things will help us to help others.

The Romans were told to “weep with those who weep.” We remember that Jesus’ wept. There is no shame in tears. It is not a lack of faith to cry. It is not a moment of weakness. To not cry makes one wonder if they even cared. Heartless people don’t cry. They have no emotions. Jesus wasn’t like that. We shouldn’t be like that either.  There is great comfort in knowing one does not journey alone. There is relief in knowing that others care. That’s the role you can play. It does make a difference.

Some day there will be no more tears…death…the first things will be done away!

Roger