Jump Start # 3428

1 John 4:19 “We love, because He first loved us.”

I’m at a point in life where many that are my age are retiring. I’m asked that often, “How much longer are you going to preach?” That may be wishful thinking, hoping I’ll stop. I have worked longer than my dad did, who was an engineer. There are many things I really like about preaching. I like writing sermons. I enjoy these Jump Starts. I like reading, shaping ideas and sharing them with others. I like talking about Jesus, whether behind a pulpit or sitting on a couch.

But there is one aspect of preaching that I have never liked. Didn’t when I first started, decades ago, and still don’t like it. And, I have been through these things so many times that one would think by now you ought to be ok with these things, but I’m not. What I’m talking about is trying to work through family problems, especially when both parties are Christians. Hurt feelings. Things said. Misunderstandings. Lack of trust. Not talking to each other. Mad at each other. Blaming each other. And, some how the preacher is pulled into the middle of this dog fight with the hopes that he can settle it and everyone walks away from the table, smiling and happy.

Years ago there was a nasty divorce that somehow I got pulled in the middle of. Before it was over, I was speaking in court before an attorney who was trying to stump me about the Bible. Sometimes, it’s parents and a teen. Sometimes it’s  grown children and their aging parent.

Those family battles can be so difficult. Often, no one comes out winning. And, the misery and toll it takes can harm a whole generation.

Here are some thoughts:

First, most times, if not all times, everyone involved in the family squabble is miserable. No one is happy. I’ve seen it so bad that grown siblings refused to talk to each other. I’ve seen people rushing from a cemetery where mama was just buried to get to the house to take what they wanted before anyone else got there.

Second, we preachers are often brought into the middle of these family fights because someone trusts us and they think we have words of wisdom. Often, we don’t. The situations can be so messy that professionals, if not attorneys, need to be contacted to establish some official boundaries. The preacher speaks from the standpoint of the Bible, and often the angry parties involved have their minds already made up as to what should happen. And, when those ideas do not line up with what the preacher said, then everyone becomes mad at the preacher.

Third, I have been invited more than once to help settle things, only to realize that one side was using me to their advantage. That was uncomfortable and unfair.

Family problems are not unique to our times. A walk through the Bible shows a lot of messy families. Look at the first family, Cain and Abel. Lot’s daughters got daddy drunk and had sexual relations with him. Joseph’s brothers were jealous and wanted to kill him. David’s family reeked of dysfunction and turmoil. Godly people with ungodly families.

Even in the N.T., we see a man who interrupted Jesus and demanded that he settle a family dispute about inheritances. The Samaritan woman had been married multiple times and was now living with someone.

There are many reasons why we find these messy family situations, both then and today. A lot has to do with attitudes, following Jesus and the choices one makes. And, somehow, we can become the most impatient and the most angry towards those we love the most.

What are we to do? Consider these thoughts:

First, in winning the skirmish, one might lose the war. Fussing about finances, who gets what, communication, letting one know where the other is, you might win that battle, but in winning, if you ruin a relationship, it’s not worth it. Remembering the big picture helps. We can get so worked up, heated and say things that may never be forgotten or forgiven. A permanent stake can be driven into the heart of the people we love because of the way we fussed and argued about things.

Second, as Christian adults, we ought to be able to sit across the table and have a civil conversation about what is bothering us. Sometimes we keep things bottled up within us until we explode. And, boy can we explode. And, it’s at that point, we bring out everything and anything that has annoyed us. Try to stick to the issue at hand. And, it’s best to calm down. Road rage happens because people react at the moment. If they went home and thought through things, most would not behave as they did.

Third, there are times when you might need to bring someone in as a third party or even get professional help. The problem is that some won’t agree with the third party or the professional unless he sides with them.

Fourth, before any discussion and after the discussion, pray. You, as a Christian, want everyone to be saved. And, when our family makes us upset, the prayers we say will help us with our tone and our words.

I wish I had the perfect words to help families. I don’t. I try my best, but most times, I feel that what I said didn’t do much good. There are some situations which really tear the heart. The messes we cause can be great. It can take just a moment to create a big problem that later takes years to fix.

Love one another—seems so simple, but it can be so difficult, especially when we are dealing with family.

Roger