Jump Start # 1773

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”

  Our series on parenting would not be complete without saying a few words about discipline. This is a tough subject. First, there isn’t a lot joy in disciplining. A person doesn’t look back in the past and say, “Some of my fondest memories are when mom spanked me.” My mom used a flyswatter. You’d think she knew how to play tennis. Backhand, forehand, she could nail us. She never missed. And what’s worse, we deserved it, especially me.

The word “rod” that is found in our passage, is used by critics, skeptics and doubters to insist that Christians abuse their kids. This is not the direction nor the intention of the passage. The opposite of disciplining is shown at the end of this verse. It shames a mother all the wicked and evil things a child gets into who is running without rules, instructions, guidance or accountability. A generation of modern thinkers believed that they found something that God never knew. They think that they were smarter than God. No discipline was their approach. Don’t shove religion on to a child. Let him discover things for himself. That liberal theology has led to a generation that makes church services look like a carnival and has absolutely no respect for the word of God nor the God who wrote the Bible.

Here are some thoughts about discipline:

First, it grabs the attention of the offender. A swat on the behind, taking the car keys, making them do some labor around the house, wakes them up. It startles them. Just like the flashing red lights of a police car following us, it certainly makes one wake up and pay attention.

Second, it makes them realize that what they did or what they said is not acceptable. They crossed the line and are now standing out of bounds. It makes them realize that you cannot do anything you want. There are consequences. I so wish a segment of our society understood this. You can’t burn cars, steal TV’s, live lawless and not think the police will not respond. You break the law you will be arrested. How in the world can kids learn to respect authority at home, when parents have not learned this.

Third, it makes the child realize that mom and dad are the boss. You are. The child is not an equal. He is not mature enough, nor has he had the experiences that a parent has. The parent has been ten years old. The ten year old has never been 35. The parent has gone to school like the child has. The child has never had a job, and had to take care of others in the house. Making a child equal to the parent is the mantra of liberalism. It’s a disaster. I remember one of my kids asking me once, when he was about 12 years old, why he couldn’t drive the car. He declared that his feet touched the pedals and he could see over the steering wheel. Driving involves more than just “size.”  Be the parent. The home is not a democracy. Bring them up in the instruction of the Lord. We all need accountability.

Fourth, discipline is framed in the context of not only stopping bad behavior, but emphasizing the correct behavior. You’ll notice our verse says “the rod and reproof.” They go together. The parent needs to take lessons from God. We learn much from how the Lord treats us.

– discipline should only follow when a rule has been broken. This is what God does. He doesn’t make up things after the fact. He doesn’t discipline us and declare you have sinned, when we had no way of knowing that something was wrong. Your child may say a word that he picked up at school. He may not even know what the word means. He may not know that the word is wrong. Don’t come down hard on him when he didn’t know. Now after that, if he says it again, then he is being rebellious.

– discipline needs to be consistent. That’s hard. This means mom and dad must be on the same page. The child will quickly figure out which one is the softy and turn to that one. Consistency means everywhere. At the church building, at the restaurant, at grandma’s house. That’s hard. Grandparents don’t help things when they allow the little ones to do things that they are not supposed to do.

– be careful of always counting before you do something. Kids will pick up on that. You get a pass on # 1, # 2, and before they get to # 3, then you straighten up. I once started with # 3. My kids declared, “that’s not fair!”

– if you say something, stick to your guns. Don’t make idle threats. Don’t over react. Don’t say things like, “You’ll not leave your room until your 20 years old.” Best rethink that one. We say things when we are upset. Think things through first.

– when you discipline, reaffirm your love for your child. God does that. From the child’s perspective, discipline and love seem like opposites. They have a hard time understanding how you can love them if you disciplined them. Hug them. Talk to them. Get them to see what you are trying to teach them. Praise them and compliment them when they do right. Make a big deal about it!

– be extremely careful of disciplining when you are angry. That is when lines are crossed. It’s easy to go from discipline to abuse when one is mad. You are not to hurt the child. Don’t throw things at them, even though they may throw things at you. Don’t destroy their property. Be firm but don’t be hurtful. Ephesians reminds fathers not to provoke children to anger. Don’t make fun of your child. Don’t put him down. Don’t belittle him. Don’t call him names. That doesn’t not make him tough. It makes him turn against you. You do that enough and some day when you are toothless and sitting in a wheel chair, you’ll know why he never comes to see you.

– the golden rule (Mt 7:12) is a great passage to keep in mind when you are disciplining. What would you want done to you? What would change you if you were in his shoes?

Fifth, there are many forms and levels of discipline. The Bible shows us that in our relationship with God. The word of God reproves and rebukes. We say it this way, “Preacher, you stepped on my toes.” You stung me. God disciplines through the voice of brethren who admonish us to do what is right. God disciplines us through trials. God disciplines us by removing fellowship when we are wayward. Each child is different and will be disciplined differently. With some, a serious, one-sided conversation will bring positive results. With another, a spank on the backside, will do it. You may have to ground. You may have to take away privileges. The older the child, the less you will spank, and the more you will find other ways to grab their attention. It certainly wakes a senior up to have to take the bus to school because you have parked his car as a form of discipline. Part of their discipline may include apologizing to people or making things right. They may have to work to pay for trouble that they caused.

It is important to think about what needs to be done. Flying off the handle, often doesn’t get the effectiveness of what discipline is supposed to do. Don’t ever hit your child. Don’t get in a screaming contest with them. Slamming doors shuts down communication.

I will say, I have made mistakes. I have said things without thinking them out. I have overreacted. I share these things to help you. Without discipline, none of us do well.

Roger