Jump Start # 1773

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”

  Our series on parenting would not be complete without saying a few words about discipline. This is a tough subject. First, there isn’t a lot joy in disciplining. A person doesn’t look back in the past and say, “Some of my fondest memories are when mom spanked me.” My mom used a flyswatter. You’d think she knew how to play tennis. Backhand, forehand, she could nail us. She never missed. And what’s worse, we deserved it, especially me.

The word “rod” that is found in our passage, is used by critics, skeptics and doubters to insist that Christians abuse their kids. This is not the direction nor the intention of the passage. The opposite of disciplining is shown at the end of this verse. It shames a mother all the wicked and evil things a child gets into who is running without rules, instructions, guidance or accountability. A generation of modern thinkers believed that they found something that God never knew. They think that they were smarter than God. No discipline was their approach. Don’t shove religion on to a child. Let him discover things for himself. That liberal theology has led to a generation that makes church services look like a carnival and has absolutely no respect for the word of God nor the God who wrote the Bible.

Here are some thoughts about discipline:

First, it grabs the attention of the offender. A swat on the behind, taking the car keys, making them do some labor around the house, wakes them up. It startles them. Just like the flashing red lights of a police car following us, it certainly makes one wake up and pay attention.

Second, it makes them realize that what they did or what they said is not acceptable. They crossed the line and are now standing out of bounds. It makes them realize that you cannot do anything you want. There are consequences. I so wish a segment of our society understood this. You can’t burn cars, steal TV’s, live lawless and not think the police will not respond. You break the law you will be arrested. How in the world can kids learn to respect authority at home, when parents have not learned this.

Third, it makes the child realize that mom and dad are the boss. You are. The child is not an equal. He is not mature enough, nor has he had the experiences that a parent has. The parent has been ten years old. The ten year old has never been 35. The parent has gone to school like the child has. The child has never had a job, and had to take care of others in the house. Making a child equal to the parent is the mantra of liberalism. It’s a disaster. I remember one of my kids asking me once, when he was about 12 years old, why he couldn’t drive the car. He declared that his feet touched the pedals and he could see over the steering wheel. Driving involves more than just “size.”  Be the parent. The home is not a democracy. Bring them up in the instruction of the Lord. We all need accountability.

Fourth, discipline is framed in the context of not only stopping bad behavior, but emphasizing the correct behavior. You’ll notice our verse says “the rod and reproof.” They go together. The parent needs to take lessons from God. We learn much from how the Lord treats us.

– discipline should only follow when a rule has been broken. This is what God does. He doesn’t make up things after the fact. He doesn’t discipline us and declare you have sinned, when we had no way of knowing that something was wrong. Your child may say a word that he picked up at school. He may not even know what the word means. He may not know that the word is wrong. Don’t come down hard on him when he didn’t know. Now after that, if he says it again, then he is being rebellious.

– discipline needs to be consistent. That’s hard. This means mom and dad must be on the same page. The child will quickly figure out which one is the softy and turn to that one. Consistency means everywhere. At the church building, at the restaurant, at grandma’s house. That’s hard. Grandparents don’t help things when they allow the little ones to do things that they are not supposed to do.

– be careful of always counting before you do something. Kids will pick up on that. You get a pass on # 1, # 2, and before they get to # 3, then you straighten up. I once started with # 3. My kids declared, “that’s not fair!”

– if you say something, stick to your guns. Don’t make idle threats. Don’t over react. Don’t say things like, “You’ll not leave your room until your 20 years old.” Best rethink that one. We say things when we are upset. Think things through first.

– when you discipline, reaffirm your love for your child. God does that. From the child’s perspective, discipline and love seem like opposites. They have a hard time understanding how you can love them if you disciplined them. Hug them. Talk to them. Get them to see what you are trying to teach them. Praise them and compliment them when they do right. Make a big deal about it!

– be extremely careful of disciplining when you are angry. That is when lines are crossed. It’s easy to go from discipline to abuse when one is mad. You are not to hurt the child. Don’t throw things at them, even though they may throw things at you. Don’t destroy their property. Be firm but don’t be hurtful. Ephesians reminds fathers not to provoke children to anger. Don’t make fun of your child. Don’t put him down. Don’t belittle him. Don’t call him names. That doesn’t not make him tough. It makes him turn against you. You do that enough and some day when you are toothless and sitting in a wheel chair, you’ll know why he never comes to see you.

– the golden rule (Mt 7:12) is a great passage to keep in mind when you are disciplining. What would you want done to you? What would change you if you were in his shoes?

Fifth, there are many forms and levels of discipline. The Bible shows us that in our relationship with God. The word of God reproves and rebukes. We say it this way, “Preacher, you stepped on my toes.” You stung me. God disciplines through the voice of brethren who admonish us to do what is right. God disciplines us through trials. God disciplines us by removing fellowship when we are wayward. Each child is different and will be disciplined differently. With some, a serious, one-sided conversation will bring positive results. With another, a spank on the backside, will do it. You may have to ground. You may have to take away privileges. The older the child, the less you will spank, and the more you will find other ways to grab their attention. It certainly wakes a senior up to have to take the bus to school because you have parked his car as a form of discipline. Part of their discipline may include apologizing to people or making things right. They may have to work to pay for trouble that they caused.

It is important to think about what needs to be done. Flying off the handle, often doesn’t get the effectiveness of what discipline is supposed to do. Don’t ever hit your child. Don’t get in a screaming contest with them. Slamming doors shuts down communication.

I will say, I have made mistakes. I have said things without thinking them out. I have overreacted. I share these things to help you. Without discipline, none of us do well.

Roger

Jump Start # 1772

Proverbs 10:1 “A wise son makes a father glad, but a foolish son is grief to his mother.”

The book of Proverbs is one of the greatest sources of help for parents. I feel that too often we view Proverbs as a collection of wise sayings that are good and nice but not having much meat on the bone. These can be seen as “Heaven’s fortune cookies.” There is more to it than that. From the opening sentences of the book, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction…’ (1:8) to the closing chapter, where we find, “The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him,” (31:1) the entire book involves communication, warnings, wisdom and instruction,  and even words on how to find a wife. This is parenting. It would be a great study to walk through Proverbs and focus upon parenting. You find warnings about envying evil doers. You find instructions about not associating with angry people. You see the consequences of wrong choices, such as the young man in chapter 7. Wisdom about the proper use of our tongue. Instructions about money and debt. Proverbs is right where we are. It’s the practical things that parents need to be engaging and sharing with their children. Proverbs is more than cute sayings. It’s life. It’s living as God wants us to.

There are several paradoxes of parenting:

1.There is the paradox of expectations.  Parenting is the greatest thing that you will do and the one thing that you will feel overwhelmed and most inadequate about. What you face as a parent are some of the greatest worries, hardest challenges and most difficult endeavors in your life. There is nothing like that little hand reaching up and holding your hand. The sparkle in their eyes, the smile on their faces and the innocent sleep and sweet dreams that they have can just make your heart burst with joy. You want the best for your children. You want them to be safe, smart, adjusted and able to deal with life. You want their journey to be smoother and better than what you had. The expectations are grand and we often wonder if we are up to that task, but God believes in you and that you can do this.

2. Raising your children presents the paradox of emotions. Raising your children can be great joy but it can be very frustrating. “Terrible twos,” is enough. But they get big and they can roll their eyes, dig in their heels and do the very opposite of what you said. Motivating children can be hard when all they want to do is sit around and play video games. You’ll fight for your kids, help your kids and pour your all into their lives and sometimes, just once, you’d love to hear a “Thank you, mom.” Then out of the blue, they surprise you. They step up to the occasion and clean the house without asking. They make dinner. They get up without you having to holler at them.

3. There is the paradox of responsibility. There is an eagerness to see them grow, take responsibility and do things on their own, but that comes with a great reluctance to let them go. The day that they can dress themselves…feed themselves…clean up their room—it’s great. It’s wonderful to send one down to the store to pick up something that you need. Growing up. Being responsible. But then it comes the time when move out and move on their own. I’m on the other end of things now. We are “empty nesters.” The house doesn’t get as messy as it once did. When my youngest moved out a few years ago, he asked me if I was going to be ok. He said, “Dad, you’ve had kids around here for 30 years.” I told him, “whenever there was a mess, and your mom fussed, ‘who did this?’ I also said, ‘it must have been one of the boys.’ Now, she’ll know which boy it was, because there is no one around to make messes but me.” It’s much quieter than it once was. I get more done now simply because my schedule doesn’t involve picking someone up from school, going to practices, or watching them play ball. In the powerful instructions about marriage, Jesus reminds us that a man is to leave his father and mother. That is dealing with more than location as it is maturity, responsibility and growing up on the insides. He has left. He is ready to start his own home. That is the direction of parenting. That is what you want. But as much as you want that and know that it is good for them, it is hard on you as a parent to let go of that kite string and watch them soar off on their own.

4. Then comes the paradox of growing older. The roles reverse. You appreciate your children helping you out and now you resign yourself to the fact that you need them. When I’m with my dad now, I take hold of his arm when we come to steps. It’s hard on him. There was a time when he did that to me because I was little. It’s hard on parents to admit that we need the help of our children. This fast paced world and ever changing technology puts many of us behind. We turn to our grandkids for help with our cell phones. It makes us realize that we are losing our independence and that we are relying on our children more and more. It’s a struggle in some families when the time comes to take away car keys, or move to assisted living. The dying Jesus, on the cross, gave instructions to take care of His mother. There comes a time when the children become the parent and the parent the child.

Solomon said it this way, “a generation goes and a generation comes.” In that one simple statement, those  seven words, are layers of emotions, paradoxes and what we call life.

There is no greater task than parenting. Getting them out of the house is not the goal. The goal is raising godly, responsible people who love the Lord and will carry on the work of the kingdom. I have a son who preaches now. He’s good. He’s very good. I say that not because I am his dad, but because of the way he preaches. He is now preaching in places that I have preached before. Folks teasingly say, “He’s better than you are.” I know that. He is. When he started, he was known because of me. Now, it’s changing. Folks are saying to me, “are you related to Jordan?” That’s what parents want in all of their children. To see them doing well. To see them walking with the Lord. To see them helping others. To see them thinking of things and doing things that you never would have.

It’s a journey getting there. There are battles and struggles and tears and laughter and joys. It seems long, but it really isn’t. There are days you think that child will never get out of the terrible twos. They will. There are days that you sigh. You pray. You hold on.

It’s the greatest thing that you will ever do. God bless you parents who care so much and are engaged in raising them the way the Lord wants you to.

Roger