Jump Start # 1642

Proverbs 18:24 “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. (KJV)

  It seems very strange but it is becoming a common occurrence in many congregations, and especially larger congregations, which makes this seem most unusual. I’m hearing more and more people say, “I have no friends in church.” Or, they might say, “I feel alone in church.” What makes this really hard to understand is that they say that while sitting around 250 to 400 people every Sunday. One of the common myths and even complaints directed toward large congregations is that “you can’t know everyone.” That’s really not true, but how is it that a person can feel like they know “no one.” These sad words come not just from single people, but from young couples. These words do not come from just new people. I’ve heard it expressed from families that have attended the same congregation for decades. “We just don’t know anyone here.”

Making friends is not as easy as it seems. Some have no trouble with this and others don’t know how to begin. Fellowship is limited when we do not feel close to each other in the church. Some of the great benefits of a church family is missing when one feels alone spiritually. Problems are often carried alone because there is no one to talk to. One never feels connected or that they belong when they are on the outside looking in. Some church leaders are oblivious to this growing problem. It seems to be felt especially among younger Christians. If nothing changes, the friendless member will eventually drift away. He will believe that he is not needed, wanted nor liked. He is often not invited to social activities that people have. He is always on the outside. His fears and doubts feed his low self esteem. He will even question whether God likes him.

I have had conversations with lonely Christians too many times. Human nature demands that we be social beings. If a Christian cannot find the social interaction that he needs among Christians, then he will find it among those who are not Christians. There begins the pull back to the world. There begins the first steps of departing. It happens and few notice it. They don’t notice it because he is not in the “inner circle” of friends. I have known preachers who have felt this way. I have known Christians who longed to talk to another Christian but didn’t feel close enough to be able to do that. We are not talking about someone who is in a congregation of five people, we are talking about a person who worships with hundreds. The isolated and lonely Christian is an easy target for Satan to pick off.

What can be done? What should be done? Here are a few suggestions.

First, there is a responsibility upon the person to make friends. Our verse speaks of that. A man must show himself friendly. There are those who are naturally shy. There are those who just leave as quickly as they can when services are over. They come for God and only for God. They miss out by not being part of a church family. So, if I am this way, I must work at trying to make friends at church. How? Don’t come at the last second and leave as soon as you can. That’s a start. Get there and talk to people. Be friendly. People are not judging you as you might believe. Wear a smile. Stick out your hand and greet people. Sit in different places. It’s easy to point fingers and accuse a place of not being friendly when you are doing every possible thing you can to stay in the shadows and not let people know you. If a family invites you out or to their home, accept the offer. This is how you get to know people. “What will we talk about?” Just start with a few questions, such as, “Have you being going here very long?” “Where do you work?” Let things flow. When they ask you a question, it’s not like you are being interrogated by the FBI, so don’t give one word answers. Talk. Take a step, risky as it might be, and allow people to see who you are. You might be amazed that people will like you. When we put up barriers all around you, people cannot know you. You will find people who have similar interests that you have. You will find people who have gone through similar things as you have.  You may find a person that you really like. You must be friendly.

Second, there is a responsibility that the church family has. New people can often feel that they are on the outside. It is important that we break down those barriers and include them and accept them. Remember the first time you met the family of the person you were going to marry? When you were just dating, it was awkward. Once you got engaged, things were better. Once you were in the family, it was great. There was that process of knowing you and you knowing them. The same is true at church.

• Make it a point to greet new faces on Sunday. It’s easy to gravitate to just our friends or talk to the people who sit around us. Move around. Sit in different places. Look for new people and greet them. Smile. Stick out your hand. Tell them your name. Invite them out to eat with you. Put down the judgmental attitudes. New people, especially those who are not Christians, might show up in shorts. They may have blue hair. They might have tattoos. There might be a pack of cigarettes showing in their pocket. They may even walk in with coffee in their hand. Don’t blow the war trumpets. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t whisper as they walk by. Don’t think that God loves you more than “them.” Be glad that they are there. They could be out behind the building shooting heroin. They came to worship. Welcome them.  Don’t start getting on folks about this and that. If you do, you won’t see them again. Be friendly.

• Have an arrangement with several families that when someone becomes a member that immediately they are invited into homes for a meal. Work out a system with those who are willing to do this. Within a short time, that new family may be in six to ten homes. Immediately they begin to feel part of the church family.

• Look for those who seem to be isolated, lonely or don’t talk to many people. Have your radar on. Shepherds need to be watching for this. The one that doesn’t fit in, feel welcome, or has friends, may be one who drops out. Don’t let that happen.

• Avoid the “club” atmosphere by including new people when you have parties and get togethers. It’s easy to just invite the same ole’ gang time after time, but those who are not a part of the “gang” will sense that and feel isolated and not welcome. Include others.

• After a short time, start using new members in services. Allow them to participate publicly. Allow them to teach and do other things. Help them understand the routine and how worship flows, but incorporate them. In some places, the new folks are never included, used and it’s the same ones who do everything. New faces, new ideas can help a place.

• Practice the golden rule. How would you like to be treated if you were the new face on Sunday? The friendliness of a place can do more good than a month of sermons.

Now, a true story. There was a lady in her 60’s that showed up one Sunday, years ago at another place where I once preached. A widow sitting in front of her greeted her and asked if she would like to go out to eat. The visitor, not knowing this lady, quickly turned down the invitation. The next week she was back with her husband. In time a study was set up. I baptized them both. I will never forget what she told me right before she was baptized. She politely said, “Roger, it wasn’t your sermons, but it was that invitation from the lady the very first time I came.” She went on to say that she had been going to another kind of church for 25 years and no one had ever asked her to go out to eat. That so impressed her that she wanted to see what was going on. “And, that woman, was just a member,” is something that stayed with her. The couple I baptized and the lady who first gave the invitation to go out to eat have all passed away.  But that memory, that example, that touching story never will.

The lesson from the pew can be greater than the lesson from the pulpit.

Be friendly.

Roger