Jump Start # 1037

Job 16:1 “I have heard many such things; sorry comforters are you all.”

  Yesterday in our Jump Start, we noticed that Job’s friends gathered to comfort Job. They came from a distance. They sat seven days in silence. Job experienced the depth of despair. All of his children died. His livestock and flocks were stolen. His servants murdered. Then Job lost his health. Job was hurting about every way a person can. His friends didn’t even recognize him when they arrived. For seven days these four men sat in silence. Job broke the silence with despair and thoughts that come from the depth of pain. One by one, the friends felt compelled to answer. They argued with Job. They accused Job. They pointed fingers at Job. They found blame with Job. They even said that Job deserved what he was getting. They found fault with Job’s dead children. They would not back off. They kept pounding and pounding guilt into Job. They were not even close. They were so wrong. They made Job feel worse. They were no help at all.

Chapter two reveals that Job’s friends came together to “sympathize with him and comfort him” (2:11). Our verse today, found in the midst of the dialogue between Job and his friends, expresses Job’s feelings. He says, “Sorry comforters are you all.” Other translations state, “miserable comforters.” What the friends gathered for, they failed to do. They came to comfort. They made Job worse.

Consider some things from Job’s friends:

• Never once did they offer to pray for Job. They may have disagreed about things, but they could have prayed. They didn’t.
• Never once did they say, “I’m sorry for what you are going through.”
• They accused Job without knowing all the facts
• They thought they had all the answers and knew why everything happened. They didn’t.
• They used sarcasm and ridicule with one they differed with
• They did not listen to what Job was saying.
• They never asked Job to come home with them
• They distorted the real image of God and how He works
• They were so caught up in their theories that they failed to understand what it was like to walk in another person’s shoes
• After their visit with Job, they made him feel more miserable
• They didn’t do anything to help Job. All they did was talk and argue.
• They really didn’t seem to care very much about Job, nor showed to be true friends.

When a person comes to comfort and sympathize, they ought to make sure that they do that. Too often, we use occasions such as funerals, or hospital visits, to talk about ourselves, to gripe about the things that bother us, and rally comfort to us. We are not the one hurting. Some folks simply don’t get it. I’m getting more and more convinced that there ought to be a mandatory class on visiting hospitals and funeral homes 101. Some are so loud. Some talk too long. Some don’t know when to leave. And the worse thing you can do to a hurting soul is to be a miserable comforter. We read often in our Bibles about people putting on sackcloth and ashes. They did this when bad news was received. Sackcloth was very scratchy and uncomfortable. No one would wear that by choice. It was put on to demonstrate the fact that a person felt miserable on the inside and now he was feeling the same on the outside. Some of us are like modern sackcloth. We tend to be coarse, scratchy, uncomfortable and miserable around others. If we can’t do better, then we ought to just stay home.

When you go to comfort, do just that. Before you leave your house, put yourself up on the shelf and leave it there. Do not go to talk about your life, your grandkids, your plans, your vacations, your friends, you…you…you—Leave you out of it. It’s time to listen. It’s time to hold a hand. It’s time to dry a tear. It’s time to offer a prayer. It’s time to share a passage. It’s time to notice what you can do to help. There is a time and a place for long discussions. Realize where those places are. The pain of grief will often make a person search for answers to questions. Grief can turn to anger and blame. Don’t follow a hurting person down that path. Later on is the time for that study and discussion.

There is a contrast between Job’s friends and Titus in the N.T. Paul was discouraged. God sent Titus to him. Paul told the Corinthians that his spirit was refreshed by the coming of Titus. Paul’s Titus didn’t act like Job’s friends.

You and I have that option. We can be miserable comforters or that refreshing spirit. The miserable comforters quickly get a bad reputation. People will dread seeing them come because they know they come bearing guilt, shame and blame—three unwelcomed and unwanted gifts. On the other hand, those who are known as that refreshing spirit will be sought out. Hurting people will ask for them. They want them around. There is a goodness, helpfulness and a connection to Heaven with them.

There are so many folks going through very difficult times. What do you say to a person who has advanced cancer? How do you comfort a family that has buried a child? What do you say to a tearful mother whose son is heading to prison? What do you say to the unwed mother who comes to church services? When you look into weeping eyes at the funeral home, how do you comfort? We need to give thought to these things. Just showing up and saying whatever we feel like isn’t helping. In fact, some of the things said, has driven people away. Some things sound mean and hateful. Some things were said at the wrong time and in the wrong way. We can be mighty judgmental to a fragile heart that is breaking because of grief.

It would help us all to speak less and comfort more. To demonstrate concern by actions and deeds and not just shallow words. To be there. To sit in silence. To offer a prayer. To let them know that you indeed care and you love them. Say those words. Mean those words.

I, for too long, have heard far too many horror stories about a wounded soul being stomped upon by brethren who felt compelled to “tell them the truth” and then leave them in such a wounded, guilty, and ashamed state that they gave up on God. They simply quit. Their spirit was destroyed. In a scene from the gospel of John, too many have tossed a guilty soul before Jesus and demanded that rocks be thrown. I’ve even heard some proudly boast, “I told him that he was not welcome to come to this church.” Are you serious? We should NEVER, EVER say that to anyone. PERIOD. Is that how God wants us to treat the hurting and lost? Our assemblies ought to be filled with folks who are looking for Jesus. They may have all kinds of problems and issues. They may have multiple marriages, addictions, and false ideas. Yet, they ought to be welcomed. As they stand before the Holy Jesus, they will be uncomfortable and that will lead them to repentance. But barring the door, and declaring that certain ones are not welcome is as dumb and wrong as they come. God forgive such wrong attitudes!

Miserable comforters or refreshing spirits? Which are you going to be? Each time you visit the hospital, the nursing home, the funeral home, or the home of a wounded soul, you have the choice to make. You can leave the person worse because of your presence or you can leave them the better because of your presence. What you say, what you do, makes all the difference. We are surrounded by so many hurting people. You see them at work. You see them in the stores. You see them in the church services. There are so many. Some suffer because of poor choices. That doesn’t lessen their pain. Others are innocent. Look around, you see them. People with marriages that are falling apart. Kids that are shuffled between divorced parents. People who must make the decision to put their parent in a nursing home. People who have overspent and now they are in deep trouble. People whose grown kids want nothing to do with them. People who have been hurt by abusive churches. People, so many. Just looking for someone to care. Looking for some comfort. Looking for Heaven.

Miserable comforters or refreshing spirits…

Roger

Jump Start # 1036

Job 2:13 “Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.”

The friends of Job—what a great lesson for all of us. There are times when we have the opportunity to sit with those who are hurting. For some, it’s literal pain. They have been through surgery, they don’t feel well and things are not going well. Others suffer greatly from emotional pain. There is a prodigal in the family who will not come home. There has been a divorce. There has been a death. The tears won’t stop flowing. The heartache steals sleep and appetite. It is a nightmare that has no end.

The friends of Job presents to us some lessons to be learned. They did some great things as well as enormous blunders.

1. They came. The friends of Job came from different places and they stayed. Nothing beats presence. I have walked into a surgery waiting room and seen a family sitting downcast and they looked up and color returned to their faces and the joy of presence lifted them. Phone calls are great. Cards have their place. But nothing beats being there. It’s hard with our schedules, but to a hurting family, it showed that you cared enough to come. I’m impressed that these friends of Job stayed for so long. Seven days and seven nights and this is before all the long debates began.

2. They sat in silence. That’s the hard part. In fact, had Job’s friends remained silent, he probably would have gotten along much better. We don’t like silence. Many only experience silence when they are asleep. They wake up to the clock radio playing music. The TV is on all day. The radio in the car is never turned off. There is noise and chatter at work. Silence. It’s hard for many of us. These four sat together and no one said anything—not for a moment. Not even for an hour, but for seven days and seven nights. Silence. So often we feel compelled to say something and in awkward situations, what we say generally comes out sideways and doesn’t help much. The classic ones are at the funeral home. We don’t know what to say, but feel like we must say something. Here is a list of actual things I’ve heard people say to a widow standing next to the casket containing her husband:

• “Did you have insurance?”
• “Do you think you’ll remarry?”
• “Can you afford to stay in the home?”
• “What did he say at the end?”
• “How much insurance did he leave you with?”
• “You’re lucky, at least you have insurance?”
• “How much did this funeral cost?”
• “That looks like an expensive casket. How much was it?”
• “Did he hurt at the end?”
• “Why are you crying? Wasn’t he a Christian? You ought to be happy.”
• “You probably don’t need anything, do you?”
• “Do you think you’ll be at church tomorrow?”
• “Hi, how are you doing?”

Really? It’s even worse at the death of a child. I’ve heard folks say, “Well, at least you have other children.” Most meant well. Most didn’t really think about what they said. It’s gotten so bad in recent times, I will prep a family before the visitation. I will tell the widow to just pat the hand of the person speaking, smile and say, “Thank you for coming.” Don’t answer the insane questions. Many are inappropriate, personal and none of their business.

Instead, what we ought to say, if we must say anything, “I’m sorry,” or, “You’re in my thoughts and prayers.” Give a hug and go sit down. Job’s friends sat for a week. Open your eyes, be useful. The box of tissues may run low, go find some. The family may need a bottle of water, go get it. Work in silence. Just be there. That is so important.

Then there is one other powerful thing you can do in your silence—PRAY. Pray that the grieving family finds comfort. Pray for their strength. Pray that you won’t say something dumb (that’s one I pray a lot). Pray that you can be a servant that helps. Then that’s it. Don’t toot your horn by telling the family all the things you did. Don’t hang around to get noticed. No, that ruins all the good you do. If you stay until the end, offer to bring the cars up for the family. Don’t smoother them. Grieving is very personal and you must allow them to be with just themselves. Don’t force your way into private conversations. Don’t be nosey.

Jesus understood the value of presence. Have you noticed how many times he went. He invited Himself into the home of Zaccheus. When the synagogue official’s daughter died, Jesus went. There is something about presence. You came. That says more than any words can.

Tomorrow we will look at the blunders of Job’s friends. The good that they did was ruined by these other things. That happens. It happens to us. We must learn. These things will help us to help others.

The Romans were told to “weep with those who weep.” We remember that Jesus’ wept. There is no shame in tears. It is not a lack of faith to cry. It is not a moment of weakness. To not cry makes one wonder if they even cared. Heartless people don’t cry. They have no emotions. Jesus wasn’t like that. We shouldn’t be like that either.  There is great comfort in knowing one does not journey alone. There is relief in knowing that others care. That’s the role you can play. It does make a difference.

Some day there will be no more tears…death…the first things will be done away!

Roger