Jump Start # 1043

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

  We have been running a mini series this week on parenting. I hope to assemble these and some earlier articles into a booklet on parenting soon. Parenting is tough. It’s one of the hardest jobs you will face. There are many clichés that are used to define what the home is like such as: “Home is where the stomach gets three meals a day and the heart gets a thousand.” Or, “children will step on your feet when they are small and step on your heart when they are older.”

Our passage is a serious reminder that it is the home, not the church, nor the school, where God expects the moral and spiritual training to take place. Discipline and instruction involve guidance, communication, time and energy. This passage is directed to fathers. Dads. Too often, it’s the mom who does this. Dad is caught up in work and hobbies and leaves the upbringing to the mother. Shouldn’t be that way. The input of both parents is ideal. Too many homes have ignored God and are trying their best to fly without Him. The kids may make the teams, and get the grades, but something will be missing. Something on the inside. Character, depth, spirituality, compassion and the heart of a servant—these traits are learned from the Bible. These are missing when the Bible and God are ignored.

I want to end this series by looking at Ten Myths of Parenting. Most of us know these but it’s good to be reminded.

1. You are a perfect parent. MYTH. No, you’re not. You’ll make mistakes. There will be days that you would gladly put the kids out with the trash. Quit trying to be perfect or even shooting for the Parent of the Year award. One of my kids once told me that they wanted Bill Cosby for a dad. How do you compete with Cosby? Do the best you can. Learn from your mistakes. The reality is that you do not have perfect kids, either.

2. You must do what other parents do. MYTH. No. This will only drive you nuts and make you feel very jealous and inferior. Comparing homes doesn’t help. Forget all those surveys and stats on the internet. You may not be able to afford fabulous vacations, buy the kid a car for his 16th birthday, and do what other families are doing. Even some in the church will do things you won’t be able to. You can still have fun, make adventures and give your child great opportunities with what you have. You are the one raising your children. You may make choices that are different from the other families in the neighborhood, or even the church. Stick to what you know is right and don’t feel pressured to do what others are doing.

3. What your kids say won’t bother you. MYTH. It does. It hurts. Some of these things shouldn’t be said by the kids. A smart mouth and talking back needs to be dealt with. I had a child that declared that I was the worse dad in the entire world. I responded by saying, I was shocked. I never won any award before. Of all the dads in the entire world, I was # 1 at being the worst. I said, put that on a plague and I’ll hang it on my office wall. Don’t let them know it hurts, but it does. When a teenager says, “I hate you,” that cuts deeply. Most times, it’s because they don’t get their way. Most times, those things are said because they are in trouble. Still, it hurts. Pray, that helps. Realize you are making a difference. Don’t stop.

4. Your kids will be your best friend. MYTH. Not while they are growing up. Best buds don’t have rules. Best friends allow the other to do what they want. You are the parent. You must have rules and enforce them. You are molding and shaping them. You are more than a play friend, you are dad and mom. There is a huge difference. There comes a time, later on, when they are grown, when they do become your best friends. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful. We are there with our kids. What a blessing it is.

5. Your kids will naturally get what they are supposed to know. MYTH. This idea comes from passive parents who do not want to roll up their sleeves and get involved with teaching and shaping character. The gospel certainly doesn’t work that way. Our passage in Ephesians doesn’t support that idea. There must be instructions, conversations, communication, answering questions, showing them and leading them. It is a process. The heart of a child is soft and tender, like play-dough. You must shape it to what God wants. Once the clay has hardened, it’s tough to work with. Your child will learn about God, the Bible, love, church—either the right way from you, or the wrong way from the world. They will have an opinion about all of those things. You job is to show them the right way.

6. Home is a democracy. MYTH. This is liberal theology, thinking that the feelings of each person must be allowed and followed. That may look good on paper, but it doesn’t work in the home. God placed the parents in the position and gave them the authority to rule the home. It is not a democracy. In our case, we have four children. They out numbered us. A democracy would mean, in our situation, that the kids would out vote the parents each time. Try that with bed time. Try that with what to eat. Parents are in charge.

7. You are the child’s servant. MYTH. There is some truth to this when they are babies. They cannot take care of themselves and when they want something, they will scream until they get your attention. That’s babies. They are to grow and move out of that. Some don’t move out of that. They expect mom to bring them something to eat, turn the channel, get a blanket, run them to the store and at the end of the day, mom is worn out and feels like a slave to the kids. There needs to be some asking and “please” involved. They need to learn that mom doesn’t drop everything and come running. This isn’t Downton Abbey and mom certainly isn’t the downstairs staff.

8. You can reason with a small child. MYTH. The smaller the child, the more you just have to say, ‘because, I said so.’ They don’t get it. They can’t get it. The question, “why” can never be satisfied for a small child. They will ask ‘why is the sky blue?’ You say, ‘Because God made it that way.’ They will respond, ‘Why?’ And then it begins. No matter what you say, ‘Why?’ follows. The mind of a child and the mind of an adult often do not intersect. Trying to explain and reason is beyond reason when dealing with a small child.

9. Disciplining your child will mess up his psyche. MYTH. I’ve read articles about those who were spanked as a child grew up to become bank robbers and thugs. My mom could wear us out. We deserved it, and more. My older brother is an attorney and I preach. We didn’t become criminals. That’s more liberal theology. This is a myth because God tells us to not spare the rod. That does not imply injuring the child, but it does grab his attention. Parents need to understand the difference  between accidents and rebellion. Parents need to be sensible. Saying, ‘You’ll never leave your room until you are 40 years old,’ isn’t true. There is a time and a place for discipline.

10. Your kids will suffer if they are not in every activity. MYTH. No, they won’t. It’s ok for them just to be kids. Let them go outside play. Take them to the park. Send them outside exploring. Too many parents are running ragged from taking the kids from this event to the next. Pick out a few. You can’t do them all. Don’t squeeze God out from what you’re doing.

Hope these help. You are making a difference. They need you. Don’t give up.

Roger