Jump Start # 965

1 Thessalonians 4:18 “Therefore comfort one another with these words.”

Yesterday our Jump Start dealt with the theme of death and Heaven. We continue with more thoughts. The death of a Christian brings comfort in knowing that their suffering has ended and that they are with the Lord, the best place that they could be. It helps knowing that they live on. The cemetery is not the end of the story. In many ways, we can handle our own death much better than the death of one in our immediate family. It’s the grieving, the loss, the returning to life, the continuing on with an empty place at the dinner table that is so hard. The selfish part of us never wants to let the one we love go. But it’s not just selfish, there is a loss. Each person adds value to life. The death of someone very close to us, in many ways is the death of part of us. I write these thoughts for those who have had to carry on without someone else.

Our verse dealt with a misunderstanding that the Thessalonians had. They were confused about the second coming of Jesus. They feared that those Christians that had passed away would miss out on the coming of the Lord. Paul’s words took away their fears and doubts. He assured them that they would be with the Lord. They would be raised first. They would not be forgotten, overlooked, or left out. God would take care of their loved ones. This section ends with our verse, “comfort one another with these words.” There is comfort in the promises of God. There is hope in what God says. Trust God. Believe Him. That’s what our verse is about.

How does one pick up and go on after a death? Shakespeare said everyone can master a grief except the one who has it. It’s easy to be a back seat driver on this subject, giving out all kinds of advice and you ought to do this and that. I have found a lot of that is just talk and when one is grieving, while they know those things are true, it doesn’t take away the pain. Nothing seems to take away the pain.

First, every person deals with grief in a different way. Men grieve differently than women. Men don’t like to cry. We bottle up our feelings. We don’t like to talk about these kinds of things. “We’re ok,” is what guys tell everyone. They keep saying that to others, hoping that they could only believe that. Women, cry a lot. That’s ok. That’s part of the healing. Folks that study these things tell us that are seven stages of grief. That’s clinical, often it’s not reality. People grieve differently. Some may go through all seven stages. Some may skip some. Some may stay in one stage a long time. Others may fly through the stages. I wouldn’t worry about the stages nor where you are, nor where experts say you are supposed to be. Most of that stuff needs to be put away for psychology class.

There are some do’s and don’ts of grieving. We know these things but it helps to be reminded.

• Don’t give up on God. Some get angry with God. Some blame God. Some feel that God refused to answer their prayers. God loves you. He is not wicked nor twisted. He does not delight in seeing His child in misery and crying. He doesn’t smile because you mourn. He’s not that kind of God. This is especially hard when parents have to bury one of their children. The parent has lived their life. They would rather die and let the child live. That’s not our choice. That unfairness can drain our faith. It’s been hard for me to understand the recent deaths of a very gifted gospel preacher and another one who served as an elder. Both were not old. Both were busy in God’s kingdom. Why them? The church needs them. We try to manufacture an answer for every feeling and question, and sometimes we just don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know why them. I don’t know why now. I do know that God is good. I do know that He remains on the throne. Why did God allow the apostle James to be executed so soon after things started with the church? I do know that throwing in the towel on God is not going to help things. It will not bring the answers you long for, nor will it bring your loved one back. It may keep me from ever seeing my loved one again, because if I give up on God, I give up on salvation, hope and Heaven. There is no hope then for me. Also, the Christian who departed certainly wouldn’t want me to give up.
• Grief lives next door to discouragement and depression, the two ugly sisters of our emotions and mind. The journey from grief to depression is quick and easy. When we are sad, down and emotionally in a funk, we don’t feel like doing things. Staying in bed all day seems to be the best solution. It’s not. Keeping the curtains closed and playing songs that remind us of our loved one only puts us in a deeper depression. The thing we do not feel like is being around other people. We avoid them. We don’t want to answer their incessant questions, like “How are you doing?” Or, “Are you getting over it now?” We hate those things. However, loneliness feeds grief and depression. We sink deeper into the pit that way. I’m not a fan of pills. I know that there are times for them. I think our times use pills too often. Back in the olden days, people just got tough and dealt with life. God told Elijah to get out of the cave, eat and go appoint someone as king. Get out. Take care of yourself. Do something for someone else. That’s God’s therapy. It works. It doesn’t sound very good when you are in a cave. What you feel like doing is just rolling over in bed and staying another month in that cave. Bad idea. It makes the journey longer and harder. Doing something for others gets your mind off of self. Getting back to work is helpful. Praying often helps. Worship is hard. There are certain hymns that will bring a flood of tears. Some song leaders will choose those songs on purpose. They think that they are helping you. Little do they know that it only makes things worse. God’s word really helps. Read. Think. Pray. Get out of the house. Find a project to keep you busy.
• Take advice carefully. This includes mine. People mean well. Many who never have been where you seem to know exactly what you ought to do. Amazing! Some will tell you that you must rid your house of clothes and items that belonged to the one who passed away. Some will tell you that you have to do it by a certain time. Really? Who made them the boss of these things. Others will try to get you to book a trip with them. Some will be so bold as to try to arrange a date with a friend. These people are trying. Some things they say work and are useful. Some things they say need to be put out with the trash. I have found that brethren tend to be nosey and a bit pushy in these areas. Not every question needs an answer. Not every probing question is their business. Be kind. Express gratitude for their concern. Do not feel that you owe an answer. Questions about finances, whether you are going to continue to live in that house, what are your plans for his car, what are you going to do now—are just too revealing. Understand your friends don’t know how to act just as you don’t know how to act. They don’t know if they should bring up the subject or if they should avoid it. If you bring up his death, they may try to get you to change the subject. Your friends are experiencing a new journey as well as you.
• Time helps. It does. Surgery hurts at first. Later, you heal. Grief is like that. The first year is a real bummer. There is no fast forwarding through that. It’s a journey. The first holidays, anniversary, birthdays with one missing just rips your heart out. It does. Tears flow. You have buried a part of yourself as well. But also, a part of the deceased is living in you. Time heals. You’ll get better. Talk to those who have walked where you are. Talk to strong Christians. Forget the books. Don’t listen too much to those who are not Christians. It’s different for them. It’s different for you. Return to life. Live. You will smile again. You will laugh again. You will feel good again. It does happen.

• Help others. This takes time. But you will find others, especially Christians, who face similar tragic events as you have. Be there for them. Listen. Use Scripture. Share your story. Each person has a different story. Don’t try to over trump their tragedy with what you went through. Let them know what worked and what didn’t work for you. Keep them connected to the Lord. Offer to sit with them during worship. Keep an eye on them. Your experience may be the very thing they need.

I don’t know if any of this helps. I hope. There are so many brethren who are grieving now. I wish there was a magical verse that would quickly heal you. There is not. I know you are embarrassed by your tears, I am not. I know you hurt. I pray for you. I hope that when it is my time to walk the sad journey of grief that you will be there for me.

Roger