Jump Start # 3548

Proverbs 26:21 “Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife.”

There are two words that are very similar to each other. Both start with the letter “T”, and both have to do with the temperature in a room. One of the words is thermometer. The other word is thermostat. The thermometer tells you the temperature. It cannot change the temperature. It just reveals what the air temperature is. The thermostat can change the temperature. When we walk into a room and it’s too cool, we adjust the thermostat to make the room warmer. And, when it’s too warm, we adjust the thermostat to make the room cooler. Thermostats and thermometers.

That makes sense when we talk about air temperature in a room. But it’s the same principle when we talk about the temperature of emotions and feelings between people. Sometimes the discussions get heated. Sometimes things are icy between people. Too hot or too cold, the thermostat can change those things.

Now, here is the crucial thing that we need to understand. Determining the temperature of my spirit and my attitude needs to be controlled by me. Earlier in Proverbs, the wise one said, “Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.” When we are not in control, then words may come out that should never be spoken. We allow anger to dominate our conversations. And, as our verse vividly illustrates for us today, putting charcoal on hot embers only intensifies the fire and continues the burn. A man who is contentious, argues, keeps strife going. That contentious man is the charcoal. And, I’ve known far too many brethren that are just like that. Teaching a Bible class is a challenge because they want to challenge every passage read and every statement made. One guy I knew ruined get togethers. He’d argue about who gets to eat first. Try playing a game, and within ten minutes the game stopped because he was arguing about the rules. If it was nighttime, he’d say, “technically, it’s predawn.” He always had something to say that stirred the pot and kept the flames of strife burning. And, to make things even worse, the guy once preached. And, his track record was disaster after disaster. He had a way of taking a good church and ruining it. He had a way of taking people that were united and loved one another to being so mad at each other that some would leave and never come back. I once asked him, “When you grill out, do you use a gas grill or charcoal?” He said, “Charcoal.” I replied, “I thought so.” He didn’t get it.

From this there are two important lessons to be learned:

First, no one should be allowed to have your thermostat. It belongs to you. You are responsible for controlling the temperature of your attitude, heart and spirit. So, in a heated discussion, you can remain calm. You can bring the right words that will lower the temperature, at least within you. When we allow others to have our thermostat, then they regulate the temperature of our heart. And, when that happens, you are at the mercy of others. You are no longer in control. If they shout, you shout. If they get mad, you get mad. When someone else has your thermostat, they can regulate your temperature. You are along for the ride, because you have allowed someone else behind the wheel of your life.

It takes two to have an argument. You do not have to attend every disagreement that you are invited to. So, when you find yourself getting angry and the temperature is rising within you, use that moment to pray and then get away until your temperature lowers. A discussion between two calm people is just that, a discussion. It is an exchanging of points and counter points. It is hearing reasons and evidence as to why one believes what he does. An argument leaves the realm of a discussion. Temperature rises quickly in an argument. Exaggeration and the past are brought up. Name calling takes place. The volume reaches a high level. Reason and sense leave the room. Now, someone may storm out of the room. Doors may be slammed. Hateful and mean things may be said.

I witnessed this last night in our neighborhood. A shirtless young man was outside screaming at his dad. He was kicking the dirt and shouting so loud that I heard it inside my house. I watched for a moment. I was concerned that he might strike his dad. Before long, the police came. The kid was handcuffed and placed in the back of the police car. I don’t know if the guy was on drugs but it was someone who had lost control and allowed the situation to determine his temperature. There wasn’t a thermostat to be found. The police came and someone was taken away. Contention kindles strife.

Second, it is important to remember that you do not have the right to hold someone else’s thermostat. It belongs to them. Just as no one ought to have yours, you don’t have the right to have the thermostat of someone else. Which means, the other person may shout, be angry, say mean and hurtful things, but that’s on them. It’s between them and the Lord. You can only control yourself. You may influence others, you may say, “Calm down.” But you cannot regulate their temperature. You remaining calm and you refusing to push the emotional buttons that can escalate the situation, may keep a volcano from erupting, but you cannot control another adult.

When someone is angry, that is not the best platform to talk about things. Set a time, a later time, to come and talk about things. Stick to the issues at hand. Apologize if you have done wrong. Listen.

In Phillip Keller’s masterpiece work on Psalms 23, he reveals that tension in the flock is something that harms the health and the wellbeing of sheep. It is up to the shepherd to watch for that and to even separate sheep that are not getting along. Parents do that. They sometimes have to send fighting kids to separate parts of the house until everyone can cool down. And, shepherds in God’s kingdom have to keep an eye on tension in the flock. It may be necessary to have a one-on-one, come to Jesus talk, with those who cause strife and want to be contentious. And, if it persists, spiritual discipline may be necessary.

Thermometers and thermostats…charcoal and fire. We sure can learn a lot from these things.

Roger

Jump Start # 1224

Proverbs 26:21 “Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife.”

  The grilling season is nearing the end here in Indiana. Rumors of coming snow flurries has convinced most of us that fall is over and winter is about to hit us. When it comes to grilling, I am old fashioned and like the charcoal. It takes longer, and it’s a bit messy, but there is something about the process that I enjoy. I’ve turned down offers for gas grills. I’ll stick with my charcoal. So this verse interests me. Charcoal to hot embers—I understand that. Those black charcoal squares begin to turn white on the edges and before long, all of them are white and deep underneath glows the red burning embers. The charcoal keeps the hot embers burning. Easy concept when grilling. Don’t put your food on the grill until the charcoal is white.

The hot fire is the analogy to a fussing man. The Proverb writer describes him as contentious. He “contends.” He argues. He is demanding. He is forceful. He won’t back down nor hush up. His way is the only way. He is opinionated, obnoxious and borderline rude. He leaves a trail of verbally assaulted people, beginning with his own wife and children. They fear one of his tirades. At work, most try to avoid him. Behind his back they know him as a jerk, which he is. He causes a scene in stores. He is known to yell on the phone. Like that charcoal sitting next to the hot embers, this hot contentious person creates strife. And yes, it spills over to the church. He is everyone’s nightmare. Thriving on controversy, he loves to stir things up. He pushes the buttons of the class teacher, asking questions that should not be asked openly, ignoring who might be in the audience and who he might be confusing or upsetting. It is sport to the contentious man. He is always questioning the decisions being made, not seeking Biblical proof, which is a fine thing to do, but just because he likes to be the burr in everyone’s saddle.

The trail of destruction that follows such a man is large and messy. He is so hard to work with, that some seek employment elsewhere. His kids do not want to invite friends over for fear that he’ll upset and embarrass them. He upsets folks at church. People leave with frowns and discouraged hearts. He is the cause for some to stay home or others to find another congregation to attend. He is clueless to all of this and really doesn’t care. It’s their problem, he tells himself.

So serious is this, that in the New Testament, that the Romans were told to mark such a person, keep their eye on him and avoid him. He is trouble and God didn’t want such a person troubling His people.

Through the years I have known several folks who fit this description. They are difficult to work with and nearly impossible to reason with. Why they are that way is a mystery to me. I don’t know if it is the result of dysfunctional home life as a child, insecurity about who they are, lack of attention, or simply living the example of a bully that they witnessed. Harder than trying to figure out why some are like this, is knowing what to do with them? I’ve always liked the suggestion of simply locking them in a basement room by themselves until they can get along with others. Can’t really do that, nor is that the Christ like thing to do. It is tempting though.

This is a work for parents and shepherds in God’s church. The way to stop contention is by not giving the contentious a platform to be a bully.

1. This begins in the home. Old children love to “boss” the younger ones around. They learn to be “bossy.”  Stop this early. Don’t let them always pull rank or use pressure to get their way. They get away with it at home and then it spills over to neighborhood kids, school and becomes a lifelong way of interacting. Stop it early.  Birth order doesn’t give one the right to call all the shots.

2. In the church, contention is held in check by great leaders and class teachers. Some like to teach the class from their seat. They interrupt the teacher, turn the direction of the class, make the teacher get off the schedule and before long the class becomes a one on one sessions between Mr. Contention and the teacher. Everyone else sits in silence, wondering what has just happened. What to do? The teacher must teach. If what the contentious person asks is not pertaining to the subject at hand, nor a good time to discuss it, don’t. Tell him that you will talk to him in private. Continue on. If he interrupts, remind him that we are not talking about this. If he insists, then a talk with the shepherds ought to take place.

Bullying, threatening, being ugly, contentious does not build up faith. This is not the way of Christ. It gets out of hand when people allow it to. Remembering that in a congregation there are young in faith, new in faith, visitors and those who are struggling, pushing buttons and being controversial because it’s fun is not Biblical, helpful, nor kind. The contentious only thinks of self. He doesn’t see what damage throwing his verbal grenades do.

This is also done via Facebook and blogs. Folks toss out a controversial question just to see what reactions they might stir up. Why? Is that profitable? Forgetting who might be reading some of these things and what spiritual damage it may be causing, they love to see how many different posts they get. Charcoal. The one who delights in all of this the most is Satan. Stirring things up is not the same as building up faith. Getting people upset, confused and bothered is not the stuff that builds a confident faith.

Some questions, some ideas, some suggestions need to be kept private. Do your own thinking. Do your own research. Ask them to trusted friends in private. Ask with the heart to know and learn, not to see blood pressures rise. There is a difference.

Charcoal, burning embers, fire, heat, strife and contention. They go together. They tear up homes, work places and congregations. Shame on us when we are the cause. Help those who are on the receiving end of contentions. Help put an end to contention. We are to be of one mind, one spirit and one voice. Contention, by it’s very nature, is being different and not going along. That is the problem.

Roger