Jump Start # 2863

Proverbs 18:19 “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.”

Offended, we sure hear that word tossed about these days. It seems that so many are even looking for ways to be offended so they can offend the offender in return. I wonder if some do not even understand what ‘offended’ means. And, it seems that some wear the expression ‘offended’ as a badge of honor.

And, in climate that we now live in, where does “dislike” fit in? Can I dislike something and not be offended? There are lots of things I do not like. I don’t like big trucks parking on either side of me in a parking lot. I can’t see out around them. Now, am I offended by tall trucks that park next to me? No. I didn’t like wearing masks as long as we were told to do. Was I offended? No.

To offend is to wound someone either in their feelings or in their soul. We can offend others by words that are intended to hurt, shame and embarrass them. The words are calculated. They are thoughtless and cruel. We can also offend by our actions. Inviting everyone over, expect one family, because I do not like them, is a sure way to trample their feelings and make matters worse.

Some today are just jumping on the political bandwagon of cultural change. When someone says the American flag offends them, one must wonder about that. That flag has been around since the Revolution. And, just now you are claiming to be offended? How about five years ago? How about twenty years ago? And, when someone says “White people offend me,” or, “Black people offend me,” they do not understand that word “offend.” Nothing was done to them and one cannot change their race. When a person is offended Biblically, apologies, changed behavior and forgiveness can change the relationship to something better.

Our passage identifies how hard it is to win someone who has been offended. Taking a city in battle is easier than trying to win back the trust, love and relationship of one who is offended.

Now, some thoughts:

First, the most obvious recommendation here would be to simply not offend anyone. But that’s not always possible. Even Jesus offended. The Pharisees did not like what He was saying. Did Jesus apologize? No. Did He state a retraction? No. What Jesus said was true and needed. The problem was with the Pharisees. Their hearts were not right. Sometimes we will offend people and the offender is not at fault. Some love darkness more than the light and when those two intersect, some fault the light.

Second, the Romans were told, as much as possible with each of us, live peaceable with everyone. We all know how to push each other’s buttons. We can really be good at irritating others. Sometimes teasing crosses the line and it becomes hurtful. We must recognize these things. We must be sensitive to others. We must find the right words and the right tone to use to help people, not to hurt them.

Third, to the tone of our passage, when a brother has been offended, we must try to rebuild the bridges and mend broken feelings. Go first. Don’t wait for them to come to you. Be genuine in your apology. Be sorrowful. Trust has been broken and they may need some time and space before things can get back to the way it once was. And, as our passage indicates, this is hard. As hard as it would be to overtake a city, winning back someone you have offended is harder. It will take time. It will take patience. It will take the wounded working through and processing things in their own way. Just saying, “I’m sorry,” won’t immediately make things better. This is hard. We might not understand why there is still tension between the two parties. I’ve apologized, you say. Yet, for the one offended, he has been hurt. Two words, “I’m sorry,” probably won’t be enough to patch up and bandage the broken heart.

Fourth, in some cases, there never is reconciliation. Someone leaves the congregation because they were offended. They find another place to worship. Apologies are extended, but the wounds do not heal. Friendships are ended, for good. It is the painful reality of careless words that are expressed without any thought to how they might be received.

Finally, we must not apologize for what the Bible says or what the Lord expects of us. There are more and more who are pushing the envelopes of what is acceptable behavior. They demand a change in preaching and what is allowable. They are offended by the strict nature of the Bible. Their issue is really with God but they will take it out on God’s people. Pressure will cause the timid and scared to cave in. The message for some will change. The purpose and direction for some will change. They will sell their soul to the devil and in the process they will make the worse offense of all, they will offend the God of Heaven.

These are times when we need to teach clearly about these things. People need to understand. Words matter. Actions have consequences. People have feelings. God has a standard. We are responsible for what we do.

Roger

Jump Start # 1702

Proverbs 18:19 “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.”

Our verse today is one of many that are found in Proverbs that involve relationships. Getting along with others is harder than what it seems. Even in the N.T., even among brethren, there were moments of strife, division and contentions. We are pretty good at pushing each other’s buttons. We know how to irritate, it’s the getting along that is hard.

Our verse shows the consequences and the difficulty that follows hurt relationship. A brother has been offended. We are not told how or why. We don’t know the history here. That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that the brother was in the wrong. Someone was offended. Attempts were made to smooth things out. The relationship was broken and damaged and now one was trying to win his brother back. That is compared to an army attacking a strong city. Winning the offended brother back is harder. The bars of a citadel, fort  or we might think of a prison, is the illustration of contentions. They are hard.  Many hands have held those bars and they didn’t budge. The bars keep those on the outside from coming in and those on the inside from coming out. The contentions are keeping brothers from coming together.

Let’s give this some thought today.

  It’s easy to offend. Sometimes we do that innocently. We say the wrong thing or it is taken the wrong way and some are offended. There are jokes that are simply off limits. They degrade and humiliate certain people, whether it’s their race, hair color, where they live or their ethnic background. I grew up in Indiana. We always told jokes about Kentuckians. A large part of my congregation and many of my dear friends live in Kentucky. I can’t say those jokes unless I want to offend friends. Some do that just for a laugh and then they don’t understand why their friends are upset with them.

While we are on this, some are insensitive and others are overly sensitive. Some just don’t care. They are going to say what they want to say,  offending and upsetting all who hear. Broad generalities will do this. But others are almost looking to be offended. They will use that as a reason to quit church and run with the devil. “They offended me,” is all they need to stop walking with the Lord. It helps, especially when you preach, to have thick skin. Just remember the Lord.

  It’s hard to win back the offended. It doesn’t just happen. Often, a simple, “I’m sorry,” isn’t enough. Feelings have been hurt. People wonder about your judgment. And with one little oft handed comment, you can set things back for a long time. People have changed congregations because they were offended by someone.

Our passage is showing that. It’s hard to win back the offended. Our passage doesn’t offer any help. It just states the difficulty. A person has to look else where to learn how to win back the offended. Apologizing is the first step. Promising to do better is the next. Some who are offended do not want to be “won back.” They are gone and they refuse to have a relationship again. There is not much you can do other than learn some lessons.

  Sometimes what was said was necessary and true. The person who was offended was in the wrong. The disciples reported to Jesus that He had offended some by what He said. Did Jesus rush over and promise never to say those things again? No. Did Jesus alter His future messages? No. Some are offended because they are in the land of the guilty. They want a pass. They want to be told that they are ok, when they are not. The message of the N.T. will offend some. It will offend those who want a same-sex marriage. You won’t get that from the Bible. It will offend those who want to worship any way they want to. It will offend those who want an entertainment style worship. It will offend those who want to turn the operation of the church into a democracy. It will offend those who want a say in crafting out the direction of the church. It will offend those who want to live like sinners. Yes, the message will offend some. Some may visit worship services and after one or two sermons, never come back. They didn’t like what they heard. Too much Bible. Too much “preaching.” Not enough jokes. Not enough fun time. Offended. Didn’t like it. Didn’t do what they wanted. So they leave, never to come back. They leave looking for a church that fits their needs. They will probably find just what they want. It will make them feel good. It will make them laugh. They will love it, but will it follow the Lord?

We can’t change the message, but if there is something about us that offends, we can adjust that. Paul went so far as to say that if eating meats offended some brethren, he would never eat meats again. Did he have that right to do that? Certainly. Why would he never eat meats again? He did not want to offend some. Would you be willing to do that? Could you do that? Too often, I fear, we’d say, “That’s their problem. What I eat is my business.” And off we go, hurting others when that could have been avoided. Don’t you be the center of the offense.

Part of denying yourself for Christ is putting others before you. That’s tough. That’s hard. We want to do what we want. Not any more. We must think of others. The offended is hard to win back. Be careful what and how you say things. Be mindful that not everyone is like you. Some may be bothered by what you say or how you say it. Don’t make fun of others. Put yourself in their shoes.

Can the offended be won? Yes. Easy? No.

Roger