Jump Start # 856

Matthew 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?

We have been looking at weddings and marriage in our Jump Starts. I want to continue with that theme. Our passage today is a statement of Jesus in which He quotes God from the book of Genesis. This was His response to the Pharisees trick question about divorce. They asked if a man could divorce his wife for any reason. They didn’t care. They had an agenda. They wanted to verify in their minds that Jesus was not the Messiah. They failed. Jesus turned it on them and showed that He has all wisdom.

I want to focus upon the expression, “Leave his father and mother.” Before a person cleaves, or is joined in marriage, they are to leave their parents. This is not about location. This does not mean a person has to be living on their own before they get married. That would have been very difficult in the first century world. Jesus is talking about cutting the ties to mom and dad. If you are getting married, it’s time to be on your own—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and in maturity. If a person is old enough to get married, then they are old enough to make their own decisions. This does not mean that they don’t seek the advice and wisdom from parents, but that they, not the parents run their lives.

I find the difficulty with this expression, “leave,”  is not with the young couple getting married, but with the parents. We parents have a hard time letting go. Our child has been under our supervision for a long, long time. We have fed them, financed them, fixed what they broke, helped them and cheered for them. There was a time when the parent literally controlled the child’s life. We got them up when we felt it was time to get up. We dressed them in what we wanted them to wear. We decided what food they would eat, what shows they would watch, when they took a nap. As they got older, we had to loosen up on those things. They matured and took over. Parents don’t pick out their teenagers outfits for the day. They shouldn’t. As our children grew up, our roles shifted to being advisors. There comes a time when parents no longer “tell” their children what to do. Sometimes our children don’t want our advice and that is hard for us parents to deal with.

Then they find someone to marry and they “leave father and mother.” They establish their own home, their own ways of doing things, their own rules. They decide what they will do as establish that new home. Two people bring together the ways they were brought up, their ideas and dreams and merge those into what works best for them.

And there we are as the parents. We don’t talk about this much. It’s hard on parents when they see their grown children doing things differently than what they would do. Unless the grown children are doing things that are wrong (illegal or sinful) it’s really their choice. It’s hard for parents not to share their opinion, even when it is not wanted. The more parents continue to tell grown children what to do, the more the grown children will distant themselves from the parents. If a grown child wants to paint his living room black, there is not a lot that a parent can do. Black is not sinful. Black is not wrong. You can tell them that it will be very dark in there. You can tell them that most people do not have black living rooms. But the more you do that, the more they will distance themselves. Let them paint it black. It’s their choice. They may like it. You, as a parent, don’t have to. Grown children will make decisions about buying cars, houses, and taking vacations that the parents may not agree with. The more we, as parents, interfere the more we are guilty of not allowing them to “LEAVE” father and mother.

One of the leading causes of trouble in marriages today comes from parents getting involved in the marriage of their grown children. The in-laws and the out-laws. Sticking our noses in places where they don’t belong. It’s hard. You want to just tell them what to do. You care and you love them. You want them to do well. As parents we must respect the boundary lines of the new home that our grown children have established. We must respect the Lord’s words, “leave.” A powerful thought from the parable of the prodigal son is that the father let him go. He let him. The prodigal’s heart was already in the far country long before he took that first step out of the house.

Your grown kids may eat out more than you think they should. They may decorate their homes in ways that you would not. They may sleep in on Saturday until 1 in the afternoon, which seems appalling to you. They may come in to church services just as it is starting. They may not cut the yard the way you do. They may not hang their clothes up as you think they should. They may not go to bed when you think they should. They are doing things their own way. That’s hard as a parent. We like our way and we want our kids to do things the way we do it. It works for us. LEAVE is what Jesus said. Leave us. Leave parents. For us that means,  Leave them be. Leave them to do things their way. Do not lay on the guilt. Do not pressure them. Do not lecture them. Do not become a nag because they are doing things differently. Do not force them to do things your way. They have established their own home.

Leave. This is a statement for the married couple and for the parents. Leave them alone. Leave them to make their own decisions. Leave them to learn. Figuring things out is one of the best ways of growing up and learning. Experience is a wonderful teacher. When they want input they will ask you. When they want help, they will contact you. When they want advice they will ask it. It’s hard to let the little birds leave the nest, but it is important for them that they do. Give them space.

Leave…I think it’s harder on parents than it is the grown kids that are starting out. It’s what is best. It’s what the Lord said.

Roger