Jump Start # 3331

Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

I have been teaching a class entitled, ‘The Marks of Maturity.’ The mature disciple is what the Lord wants out of all of us. Act like men, is what the Corinthians were told. Grow up is what the Ephesians were told. The  lack of maturity among the Hebrews made the writer conclude that they needed to be taught again.

One of the things about maturity is that it is much easier to see immaturity than it is to describe maturity. Age has nothing to do with maturity. There are plenty of grown ups who have never grown up. Pity parties, whining because they didn’t get their way, pouting, selfish, throwing fits, this is not three-year-olds on an airplane, it’s adults at ballgames, restaurants and even in church services. Oh, the example we often leave before little eyes is sad.

Our verse today illustrates two avenues of maturity. Although the word ‘mature’ is not found here, the concept and principle certainly is.

First, it takes a mature heart to go and have a conversation with someone who has done wrong. Most texts will state in the footnotes, ‘If your brother sins against you.’ That’s personal. It’s one thing to see someone doing wrong, but you don’t have any personal part in that. However, if the sin was against you, you have been hurt. It’s your feelings that have been crushed. It’s your name and your reputation that has been tarnished. Now, we have something really invested in this matter. Someone has done you wrong and nothing has been done to make it right.

Here is where maturity or immaturity surfaces. In our hurt and anger, we can tell others. We can find ways to get even. We can just cut the person off and avoid him forever. So easy to do that. So immature to do that. The other person may not be aware that they have hurt you. They may have said something as a joke, but it wasn’t funny to you, because it ridiculed you.

What we typically do is wait for the offender to come to us. Why should I go to him, we say? I didn’t do anything wrong. He owes me an apology. So we sit and we wait. And while we wait, we stew. Our thoughts get darker and our mood becomes ugly. And we wait. And we wait. And, nothing happens. This is about the time that sides are drawn up, nasty things are said, and someone leaves. This happens because we don’t follow the Lord’s words here.

The person who was hurt is the one who initiates the conversation. He goes and shows the fault is what the text tells us. It takes a lot of maturity to do that. It takes a lot of courage to do that. What if he gets defensive? What if he gets angry? And, the more we think that way, the more we talk ourselves out of going. Go is what Jesus said. It may not be easy. It may not be what you want to do. Either, let the hurt go or go and have a conversation with the offender. Not the shepherds in the church. Not the preacher. But go to the person who hurt you.

To do this, one must pray and pray hard. To do this, one must think about how to bring the topic up and how to address the matter. The goal is not for an apology. That ought to come naturally. The goal is to help someone be better. The goal is to help someone see that his actions hurt. The goal is not to prove you are right and the offender is wrong. The goal is to win a brother.

Second, the other aspect of maturity is found in the person who is going to be talked to, the offender. Something he has done has hurt another. He may be aware of it. He may not be aware of it. Someone asks to meet with you. Immaturity suspects something and will dodge all contact and conversations. That’s immature. Immaturity will find excuses time and time again because he doesn’t want to face the music.

The mature will listen. He will not fire a counter attack. He will not be defensive. He will listen. There is a chance that all of this was an innocent misunderstanding. There is a chance that an apology needs to be offered and extended. The mature realizes that he is not beyond making mistakes and even hurting others. The mature wants to grow and be better in the Lord. The mature understands that he doesn’t have all the answers nor does he always do things right.

In the flow of these passages, Jesus, shows us two possible outcomes. The best is when this private conversation is met by two mature people and restoration and forgiveness flows. That’s the end of the matter. Nothing more needs to be said, ever again. Put the problem in an unmarked grave and never go back to visit it again. It’s over. Do not tell others about it, it’s over.

But, there is a possibility that the offender won’t listen. Jesus then says to take two or three with you. The intensity is turned up. Another conversation. If the seriousness is understood and the person listens, it’s done. If not, one more step, tell it to the church. If the offender, now in a third conversation about this problem, still refuses to listen, he is to be disciplined.

Maturity…immaturity. It’s really shown in a time of crisis.

Roger

Jump Start # 1464

Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

  Our passage today is a difficult one. It’s not the understanding that’s hard. It’s not words that we are  not familiar with. It’s the application part that’s a real killer. Doing the right thing is hard. Jesus deals with relationship issues. What’s the right response when one has hurt another. There are three verses. There are three levels of actions. It has the potential of ending well or it could get ugly. It depends upon the hearts involved.

The passage begins with, “If your brother sins…” Most texts footnote this expression and add the words, “against you.” This seems to be a personal problem. This is an issue between two people. This is not a difference of opinions. This is not differing views. The Lord says “your brother sins.” Something was done that was wrong. We can imagine all kinds of things from gossiping, to lying, to stealing. There many be other sins.

Someone has hurt another. Someone has done wrong. On top of the wrong done, it appears that the person did not apologize, ask for forgiveness or try to make things right. We are not perfect and we do hurt one another. It seems that in this case, nothing was done. That adds to the pain. Did he realize what he did was wrong? Did he know the damage done? Did he know that he hurt and possibly ruined the relationship? Does he care? Those thoughts only make the situation worse. The hurt party goes over the damage in their mind. Over and over they dwell upon it. Each time, they become more and more upset.

Now some thoughts from what the Lord says.

The Lord wants the sinner to do right. Sin doesn’t go away. Time doesn’t heal sin, especially with God. One cannot say, “It’s alright.” No, it’s not. It’s never alright to sin. If things remain unchanged, a soul is in jeopardy and a fellowship will break. God wants us to help each other. This is not a matter of being the spiritual police of a congregation. This situation was between two people. Our verse said that it was to be handled “in private.” No one else needs to know. But to do nothing does not help the situation.

The Lord wants the wounded party to go and show the fault to the other. This is where we struggle with this passage. It makes sense for the person who was wrong to come to the person that was hurt. That’s not the flow of this passage. The wounded goes to the offender. He shows the fault. Showing the fault may involve taking along a Bible and showing why the action was wrong. The intent is to get the offender to repent. He is in the wrong and he needs to be right—first, with God and then with the person that was hurt.

The Lord wants this done in private. That makes all of this even harder. We want to take a posse with us. We want to stack the deck. We want to surround the offender and outnumber him. We want to put him in a position where he must surrender. Boy, that makes sense to us. That’s not what the Lord said. The wounded party goes and in private, this matter is discussed. Just the two of you. Scary. We can think of so many ways that this could go wrong that we simply want to skip this step. The next step involves bringing two or three others. The final step is revealing this to the church. This is where most want to start. Let’s tell the church and let’s force this person to change. That’s not the direction of the passage. The wounded can be guilty of mishandling this.

Go to him in private, is what the Lord says. If he listens, you have won your brother. If he listens, he will apologize. If he listens, he will ask for forgiveness. If he listens, he will stop doing wrong. If he listens, his soul will be forgiven. The “listening” involves more than just hearing. It involves understanding, changing and making things right. When he doesn’t listen, then the next step is necessary. We can convince ourselves that he won’t listen, even before we go and show him the fault. We can be ready for steps two and three when we haven’t even worked through step one yet.

How you show him the fault is important. Does one come pointing fingers, shouting and with both guns raised? Is it confrontational? Is it ugly? That approach will fail. It will lead to more trouble. Correcting with gentleness is taught throughout the New Testament. Remember the golden rule? How would you want someone to talk to you? That’s your model. That’s how you go.

If he listens, then the hurt party needs to be willing to forgive. The listening involves changing. The listening involves acknowledging the sins against the other. When that takes place, forgiveness must follow. If the hurt part is unwilling to forgive, then he is not ready to “go to his brother.” The purpose is not to tell the other off. The purpose is more than to get him to see what he has done. The purpose is restoration. Sins forgiven. Changes in the heart. That’s the goal. The wounded must be willing to go there, or he may as well stay home. To get the brother to listen, but to have the wounded remain unforgiving is a violation of this passage. The brother is only “won” if the relationship is restored and forgiveness and grace have been extended. Making demands, unwilling to extend grace can be just as wrong as the sin that was committed. Grace is never deserved. It’s that way toward us and it’s that way from us to others. No, he doesn’t deserve it. If he did, then grace wouldn’t be involved. You extend the grace because you look beyond yourself. You look to the way God has treated you. You look to doing what is right. You stand where the prodigal’s father stood. You stand where God stands with you. I’ve seen too many that have gone to another, the offender was broken and apologetic but the hurt party wanted to continue to make the other feel miserable. No forgiveness. No grace. No restoration. Then the situation turns. What does a person do when they have apologized but the other party doesn’t want to forgive? We go back to this verse and just change the roles. Now the hurt party has become the offender and the offender has become the hurt party. What a mess. Nothing like what the Lord intended.

Doing the right thing isn’t easy. It never is. The easy way through life is often not the best way. It’s easy to flunk. I could go to any university in the country and enroll in any major and flunk out. Piece of cake. Just don’t show up. Don’t take the tests. Don’t do the assignments. After one semester, you’re done. You will have flunked out. Now to make the dean’s list, that’s hard. The same goes with work. I could get fired from just about any job, even preaching. It’s easy to get fired. Don’t show up. Don’t do what you are supposed to do. Break the rules. You’ll get fired sooner or later. Now to get a promotion, that’s hard. It’s easy to destroy a marriage. Just don’t come home. Don’t ever talk to the other person. Be selfish. Be rude. Break the vows. The marriage will end. That’s easy. But to have a long lasting great marriage, that’s hard. It’s easy to make people mad at you. Quit your job and leave burning the bridges behind you. Folks will be upset. Gossip about your friends. They will be mad at you. Take advantage of others. They will not like you. But to get along and have great relationships, that’s hard.

The easy thing to do when someone has hurt you, is to hurt them back. Talk about them. Spread things about them. Ruin their name. Ignore them. Isolate them. That’s easy. The hard thing to do is what Jesus says in our passage. It’s uncomfortable. We can think of so many ways that it could go bad. The right way isn’t always the easiest.

Go. Show. Listen. Win. That’s the Lord’s plan.

Roger