Jump Start # 3514

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

My wife and I caught the first three episodes of the Chosen season four in the movie theatre the other day. Several really good parts and a few liberties. But there is one scene which is really intriguing. Matthew, who still acts dorky in many ways comes to Jesus wanting to know why Peter won’t apologize to him for treating him so terribly. As Jesus moves Matthew through several thoughts, he realizes that he is the one who needs to apologize to Peter, not the other way around. Matthew asks, “what if he won’t forgive?” The actor playing Jesus says, “Apologies lead to repentance. Forgiveness is a gift that the other person may nor may not give.”

That statement is something that we struggle with. I think we have it in our minds that if I apologize then you have to forgive, as if you are obligated and owe that to me. Forgiveness is built upon grace and grace is always a gift. It’s hard to understand that when we have tried to make things right by apologizing, why the other person refuses to forgive. We have done what we were supposed to do. We expect the other person to do what they ought to do. But sometimes they don’t, or worse, they won’t. And because of that, some become reluctant to apologize. They will only apologize if they believe the other person will forgive them. If they are not sure, then they will not apologize.

This back and forth, emotional tetter-totter, strains relationships in the home and the church. The scene from the Chosen, though not found in Scriptures, shows the internal battle each faced with bad feelings and the need to do what is right. Matthew struggled with that. Peter struggled with that. And, you and I struggle with that. We know what the right thing to do, but those hurt feelings, and moments of anger towards the other person sure makes it hard to go and apologize.

Years ago I heard a radio program in which listeners called in with their definition of “forever.” One person said waiting for the light to change at a certain intersection was forever. Another said, waiting for their child to get ready was forever. Another said, waiting for their tax return was forever. But the most telling one, was a woman who said, “forever is waiting for my husband to apologize.”

Here are some thoughts for us:

First, our choice to do what is right cannot be based upon how we think others will react. Standing up for what is right, speaking up, drawing a line in the sand, saying, “No,” often comes with consequences. And, if we allow those consequences to dictate what we should do, then we often will not do the right thing.

If you have done wrong, go and apologize and be genuine about that. The other person may use the opportunity to belittle you, attack you and only pour on more guilt. That won’t be the outcome that you wished for, but, you have done the right thing. You apologize because what you did or what you said was wrong. Even if the other person gives you a pass on that, your apology is built upon the fact that you realize that you were out of line and did something that was not appropriate. Apologies lead to repentance. Forgiveness is a gift.

Second, when our eyes are focused upon Jesus, we will not worry so much about how others will respond. Doing the right thing are the steps of righteousness. Righteous living comes from doing what is right. And, right is determined by God. Playing imaginary conversations in our minds only slows down what we ought to do that is right. Do what you know is right, period. Do what is right, even if others say you don’t have to. Do what is right, even if others make the situation worse. You do what is right, because that is what the Lord wants you to do.

Third, and, when the tables are turned and someone comes and apologizes to us, don’t run them through the mill and make them feel worse. Forgiveness is a gift and be quick to offer that gift. The bridge of fellowship that we walk across is supported by love, grace, forgiveness and the goodness we find in the Lord.

It’s hard to apologize. It’s hard to admit wrong. But this is something we must do to continue on together. Our failure to do that, leads to hurt feelings and broken relationships. And, people remember. We may forget a compliment, but we’ll remember a hurt for a long, long time.

Apologies lead to repentance…forgiveness is a gift.

Roger

Jump Start # 3332

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

I have always loved this passage Three bold statements fill this verse. Be kind. Be tender-hearted. Be forgiving. Those three statements fit nicely together. It’s really hard to be forgiving if one is not kind. And, being tender-hearted is just a natural outcome of being kind.

One would think that among disciples, being kind is a given. Some things just do not need to be said, yet, here the apostle says it. Maybe among some it wasn’t as natural as we thought. Maybe there was friction between Jews and Gentiles. Maybe there was a past and that made it difficult to be kind.

The opposite of kindness is meanness. This is why we find signs and posts on social media about being kind. However, without Jesus, there isn’t an example, nor a motive to be kind. Why should one be kind? Just because someone else says so? Some see kindness as allowing others to walk over them and take advantage of them. The movies are filled with rough and tough people who seek revenge and settle the score upon others.

I want to look at the back side of forgiving each other. What we see there is an apology. Someone has hurt another. An apology or an “I’m sorry” is offered. The person who was hurt accepts the apology and forgives. The very idea of the apostle bringing up forgiving tells us that we tend to hurt each other. We say things that shouldn’t be said. We think selfishly and run over the feelings of others. We take advantage of others. Yes, in a perfect world, among God’s people, we’d never need to apologize and we’d never need to forgive. However, this world isn’t Heaven, and, we do hurt one another. We are not perfect. Apologize and forgive—like salt and pepper, they belong in every home, in every church, and in every heart.

Let’s focus in upon the idea of an apology:

First, an apology ought to be and needs to be genuine. It rises from within, out of our hearts. Telling another person to apologize, when they don’t feel like it, or think they should, becomes forced and has the appearance of fake flowers. From a distance fake flowers look nice. But, they are fake. They don’t smell like real flowers. They don’t feel like real flowers. They are just an image, but not the real thing.

We see that in the home. A couple of boys will be roughhousing and one starts crying. Mom says, “tell your brother you are sorry.” He does so only because mom told him to. When mom leaves the room, he is likely to throw another punch. So much for the contrite heart. It was all fake, just like artificial flowers.

Sometimes a person will toss out an apology just because they got in trouble. At the end of a Sunday service a teen drags himself forward and mumbles some sorry words about making a mistake. The church rallies around him and prayers are offered. In time, as the story becomes known, the police were involved, it is a big mess. Was he truly sorry for his choices or was he sorry that he got caught and is now in trouble?

Second, it seems to me that an apology ought to be directed towards the people that were hurt. I’ve seen some offer an apology on Facebook, but who is reading that and who is that directed towards. If I wasn’t hurt or involved, there is no need to apologize to me. A generic social apology may reach many people but does it help the people who were directly hurt? Send a personal letter to the people involved or better yet, go tell them in person. What if a person has hurt a congregation? Do the same. Send a letter or go tell them in person. Facebook has a place but it cannot cover somethings that need to be done directly,

Third, before a person apologizes to another, one ought to apologize to God. We can tell someone that we forgive them, but that does not take the place of what God says. The church cannot forgive sins, only God can. A person can tearfully apologize to another person, but the wrongs that they have done must still be forgiven by God. Turn first to God before you turn to one another.

It seems from our passage that God knew His people who hurt each other. Sometimes that comes about as we grow. We have to move from a selfish center to having the heart of a servant. In that process, we can wound each other. Growth also means that we move away from attitudes, words and choices that are not God pleasing. Patience, grace and forgiveness are the keys that keep us together. Without that, we will walk away from each other.

No one is too big to apologize. No one ought to be too proud to apologize. It’s really hard to forgive someone when that person refuses to admit wrong and apologize. It will strain our fellowship, continue to hurt our feelings and keep us from progressing and growing in the Lord.

I am sorry…mean it. Say it. Don’t be too big for it.

Roger

Jump Start # 2260

Ephesians 4:32 “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

A very sweet Christian asked me a question the other day. With tears in her eyes, she asked, “How do I know if I have forgiven someone?” We talk about forgiving. We teach what forgiveness means. We see how God has forgiven us. But there remains that nagging feeling, “How do I know if I have forgiven?” For her, she still felt the pain. She still remembered. She wants to let it go and she wants to forgive, but images and memories make her wonder and doubt.

Forgiveness is hard. I think it was Barclay who said “forgiveness is easy until you have something to forgive.” People can be cruel. Even Christians can be ugly with each other at times. In just an instant, our feelings can be crushed and the lingering results can last a long time. Simply saying, “I forgive you,” doesn’t really begin to let go of all the pain that has been created. It’s like a parent telling one of their children, “Say you’re sorry.” So the child does. Is he really sorry or has he just mumbled back the words that his parents wanted to hear? We can say, “I forgive you,” but has anything changed after that? And, the question remains, “How do I know if I have forgiven someone?”

Our verse today really helps. It’s one of those one-two passages, that illustrates what shouldn’t be and then what should be.

First, what shouldn’t be. The preceding verse, verse 31, states, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” That’s the starting point in determining whether or not I have forgiven. How do I feel? Six negatives are listed. Bitterness is the starting point. Bitterness is like a cancer that can eat us up. It changes us. We become consumed with bitterness. Our outlook changes, because we are bitter. Few things are right when we are bitter. It’s hard to be upbeat, optimistic and hopeful while bitterness is at the wheel of our hearts. The bitter person can’t move past the hurt. They see few good things in the person that hurt them. Thoughts of getting even, hurting back fills their mind. They want nothing to do with the person that hurt them. From that, things only get worse. Anger, clamor, slander and wrath are the ugly children of bitterness. That bitter spirit makes us tell our hurtful story to others. It rallies the troops for an all out assault upon the person who caused the trouble. Things are said that should never be said. Trouble abounds because we can’t move past the hurt.

How do I know if I have forgiven the person? Can you be around that person? Do you want to be around that person? What thoughts do you have toward that person? Now, we are beginning to see whether we have simply said “I’m sorry,” like a child does, or whether we truly have forgiven.

Forgiveness changes a relationship. That’s what has happened to us and God. We’ve gone from sinners to being adopted into His family. However, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. I can forgive someone even if they never say that they are sorry. I can forgive someone even if he doesn’t care. To be reconciled, we must come together and have an agreement to move forward. It takes one to forgive, but two to reconcile.

Second, our verse, continues the extent of how we treat others. When Paul says, let all bitterness be put away from you, he is showing that those feelings are a choice. We may not think they are, but they are. Rather than bitter, we choose to be kind. We choose to be tender. We choose to forgive. Our choice. Our terms. Our time table. Our example is as God has forgiven us.

Look at those God forgave in the Bible. The list is long. Noah was drunk. Abraham laughed at God. David committed adultery. Jacob deceived. Jonah ran. The prodigal spent it all. A woman was caught having sex with someone she wasn’t married to. The list is long.

Forgiveness is based upon love and grace. It isn’t deserved. It isn’t expected. It isn’t natural. And, it doesn’t make sense. To forgive doesn’t mean the memory is wiped clean. Even God remembers. That seems like a conflict because there are passages where God says I remember no more. Yet, David, long after the sinful incident, the Holy Spirit is telling a writer to tell the story. How could the Holy Spirit know this if God remembers no more? There is Paul, through inspiration, telling us in Timothy that he was formerly a blasphemer. How did the Holy Spirit remember that? To remember no more means that God no longer holds that against us. The record has been changed. The sin has been removed. Memory may recall, but God doesn’t hold it against us anymore.

This helps to answer our question. How do I know if I have forgiven? You still remember the pain. Does that mean you have not forgiven? No. What do you do with that pain? Do you continually pick that scab and keep the wound fresh and keep it from healing? Do you dwell upon it often? Do you seem stuck and preoccupied with what was done?

I told my friend, to know you have forgiven is to treat the hurtful person as God would want you to. If there is a wedding and the hurtful person will be there, you still attend. To avoid it means you still have problems with that person. There is a funeral and you know the hurtful person will be there. You attend. You don’t slip in at the last second and sneak out, avoiding him at all cost. That’s not kind, tender nor forgiving.

The hurtful person may continue to be hurtful. They may not accept your forgiveness. The relationship may never be the same again. Some people, you just have to love at a distance. But the main thing is that you can live in freedom, hope and grace. You are not bitter anymore. You are not eaten up with this. You are not having thoughts that you know aren’t right.

Forgiveness is a choice. I remember years ago talking to a Christian about forgiveness. We were walking together through a store. He was telling me how he had forgiven someone for being so hateful toward him. As we turned the isle, there was the very person he was talking about. Amazing. I started talking to this person and turned and the Christian who was with me had turned around and gone down the other direction. He claimed he had forgiven, but his actions didn’t show that. That is not how God is towards us. That is not kindness nor loving.

Pray about this subject and the person who has hurt you. Pray that you get this right. It isn’t easy. Forgiving is never easy. But, we can do it, because God says so.

Roger

Jump Start # 1777

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

We visited one of our grandchildren the other day. He sleeps with a teddy bear that someone gave him as a present. I was told it was a “Build-a-bear” teddy bear. I’ve seen those stores but never actually “built” a bear. A person picks out the color, features and actually designs a bear that they like. I’ve seen car companies that allows a person to build a car on their websites. You pick out the model you want and from that the exterior color, the type and color of seats. You pick out the engine you want, wheels and available options. You build a car.  This idea is also being used in the housing industry. You pick out a floor plan that you like, type of flooring, cabinets, paint and you have built a house for yourself.

The idea behind these “build you own” projects is that you are allowed your personal tastes. If you designed a red car and then declared, “I don’t like red cars,” whose fault is that? All of these “build your own” projects have limitations. Cars have only certain engines and colors that come with each model. Houses have only certain floor plans. Even “build-a-bear,” has a selection that you must stay with.

All of this got me thinking the other day. What if we could “build-a-church member.” What if I could pick out certain features and build a member to my liking? What would my church member look like? Here we go:

• He would attend every service
• He would smile, hug and be happy
• He would love to sing, pray and listen to sermons
• He would connect with others
• He would volunteer to help out
• He would be supportive, kind and easy to talk to
• He would love the Lord
• He would be holy, spiritual and follow the Bible
• His family would be right with him in all of these steps
• He would be one that you could count on

What an amazing thing to build your own member. If you had enough resources, you could build your own church with just the members you designed. Everyone would be just the way you wanted them to be. What a thought.

But hasn’t God already done that? Our verse today, is just one of many places that shows what God is looking for in a member. He has chosen what He wants. He wants us to kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving. Those words express our connection and relationships with one another. This is how we are supposed to be with each other. In other places, God tells us to be strong. He tells us to love the Lord with all that we are. He wants us to grow in grace and knowledge.

God has designed a member just like He wants. God has built-a-member. In fact, when Jesus said, “Upon this rock I will build My church,” that’s exactly what He is doing. The church isn’t a building. He is constructing people, His people. This is how God wants His people, His church to look like. The beatitudes, that begin the sermon on the mount, illustrate the type of material that God has chosen to be us. He has not “stuffed” us with us, but rather with Him. We long for God. We want to be with God. We want to be like God. The Lord has “built-a-member.” It’s all through the N.T.

One other thought that comes from this, what kind of member am I? Have I chosen the elements and qualities that God wants in a member? Am I acting like our verse today? Or, as too often is the case, I have my issues, my past, my baggage that prevents me from being kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. Instead of being what God wants, I have settled on something else. It’s not what God picked out. It’s not what God wants. You take your child to a “build-a-bear” store and help him pick out a cuddly teddy bear but what they  hand you is an ugly buzzard that isn’t soft, isn’t the color you wanted and is not close to what you chose. Would your child like that? You “build-a-car” on a website. You go to pick it up and finance it and it’s a two-door, not a four-door which you wanted. The engine isn’t what you picked out. The seats are the wrong color. The exterior is the wrong color. Would you still want it? You sit down with a builder to plan a house. He builds it and the rooms are in the wrong place. There isn’t a fireplace, which you wanted. The kitchen is different than you picked out. Happy?

So, God has designed what a disciple of Jesus ought to look like. Here we are. Do we look like what God wanted? Or, instead, do we fuss with one another? Do people have to beg and plead for us to come to worship? Do we ignore the Bible? Are we filled with worry, fear and doubt? Are we what God picked out?

My grandson loves his bear. He has a name for it and he sleeps with it every night. It is just what he wanted. I wonder if you and I are just what God wanted? If God held up a piece of paper with a check list of all the things He wanted in a disciple, would we look like that? He has a piece of paper, actually, several pieces of paper. It’s called the Bible. When you read, Paul said, you will know my insight. When you read, John wrote, you will know if you have eternal life. When you read, you can know if you are what God had planned and designed.

Build-a-bear…build-a-car…build-a-house…build-a-disciple—

How are we turning out? Are we becoming what God planned and wanted?

Roger

Jump Start # 1714

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Here in our verse today, the apostle is opening up the heart of a Christian, much like an old watchmaker and he reveals the inner workings of our character. This is what makes us “tick” the way we do. These words here are relationship words. We are kind toward others. We are tender-hearted toward others. We forgive others. You’ll notice, that nothing is said about how the “others” are toward us. That doesn’t seem to matter. We are this way. This is golden rule stuff.

Kindness will set the tone to how we talk to others. Kindness will smooth the rough edges to our tone. Kindness reaches out and is helpful. Some enjoy telling others “the truth,” because it gives them a reason to walk all over the feelings of others. “I simply told them the truth.” Really? Did you forget kindness?

Kindness grows out of a tender heart. Tender seems weak and soft to some. The ego driven male wants to be aggressive, tough and has no place for tenderness. Such a person will find it hard to be kind. A kind person has a tender heart. When this is missing, family and friends suffer. Feelings are hurt. A church wants shepherds who are tender hearted. The wounded need caring hearts, especially emotionally and spiritually. A tender heart means one cares. A tender heart listens to a person’s story. A tender heart is there to comfort. The complaint, “No one cares,” is the sad reality of our times. Families do not care. The church does not care. No one cares. This can make a person bitter, mean and untrusting of others. The way you deal with this is to be the one who cares. You have a tender heart. You have a heart that can be touched and is affected by others. Compassion stems from a tender heart. When the disciples were caught in that terrible storm on the sea, they woke Jesus up with the plea, “Do you not care that we are perishing?” They didn’t say, “Do you KNOW that we are perishing?” Nor, “Can you KEEP us from perishing?” They asked, “Do you not CARE?” Of course He did. One of the hymns we sing is, “Does Jesus care?” The chorus reminds us, “O, yes He cares, I know He cares…”

Paul then adds, forgiving each other. Forgive just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Paul like to use the “just as” expression in Ephesians.

• Walk in love, just as Christ also loved you (5:2)
• Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church (5:25)
• For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church (5:29)
• No longer walk just as the Gentiles also walk (4:17)

Forgiveness is hard. It means someone has hurt you. Someone was wrong toward you. The natural reaction is to get even, or just cut them off from your life completely. God wants us to forgive them. God wants us to work to restore the relationship. Kind, tender-hearted, forgiving—they complete the picture of how a Christian treats others, including those who have wronged us and hurt us.

Forgive just as God has forgiven us. Have you ever thought about that statement? How has God forgiven you? That’s the model. That’s what He wants us to follow.

First, God forgives us completely. He doesn’t leave things hanging over our heads. He doesn’t remind us over and over of how we disappointed Him. It’s gone. It’s gone for good. It’s gone forever.

Second, God forgives us often. Have you ever thought about how many times in your life God has forgiven you? 100 times? 1,000 times? A million times? We typically end every prayer with a statement asking for forgiveness. Can you imagine God putting a limit or cap on forgiveness. Imagine God saying, “I’ll give you 100. After that, you are on your own.” He doesn’t do that. Jesus told Peter to forgive 70 x 7. God beats that easily. God never says, “Here we go again.” God never says, “Again?” Forgive like God.

Third, God wants to forgive us. He doesn’t owe us forgiveness, nor does He have to forgive us. It’s a choice. He wants to. Can we forgive like that? Or, are we the other way? Do we say, “I guess I have to forgive you.” And we do so with reluctance. God is not that way. God doesn’t bring up what we have done in the past. Can you imagine at the age of 40 or 50, God reminding you of what you did when you were a teen? Oh, boy. He doesn’t do that. We do. We claim we forgive, but we put a book marker on that page so we can return to it easily. We like to remind the person how they failed us. We use this over their head as if they are indentured servants to us. We use it do demand favors from them. Is that how God treats you? Is that how you are forgiven by the Lord?

Fourth, when God forgives, the relationship is restored. We are not second class citizens. The story of the prodigal is classic example of this. The wrong prodigal came home to a feast, a ring, robe and sandals. He wasn’t shown the door, but rather, the dinner table. He wasn’t escorted off the premises, but embraced by his father. The story ended better than he had imagined. He was hoping, at the best, to be treated like a servant. His bed would have been in the barn. He would stand behind his father and brother and feed them. He would eat alone. That’s what he was hoping for. It was so much better than he had dreamed. Is this how we treat those who have been forgiven by us? Or do we say, “I forgive you, but you better not show your face around here any more?” Is that how God treats you?

A few final thoughts on forgiveness.

It takes both parties to restore a relationship. Had the prodigal never returned home, the relationship could not have been restored. Both parties must come together for a relationship to be repaired and healed.

I can forgive a person who has never said that they are sorry. Many disagree with me on this. Some say, God doesn’t do that. He demands that we repent before He will forgive. God has much more at stake that I do. Now, if you never say that you are sorry, the relationship may remain damaged and hurt, but I can let the pain of what you have done to me be gone. The alternative to not forgiving is found in the previous verse. Paul says let bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Those are the actual feelings we have when we have been hurt by someone else. We will either forgive, or be bitter. We will either forgive or be angry. Bitterness and anger will eat us up. They will consume us. We will tell others about what has happened to us. We can’t seem to move on past the hurt. So, there we sit, angry and bitter, waiting and waiting for the person to say he is sorry. He controls the situation. If I will not forgive until he is good and ready to apologize, then he continues to hurt me. He continues to ruin me. I don’t believe that. I can forgive. I can let it go. I can let the anger, the bitterness and ill feelings go. I can be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. Should he apologize? Yes. If I forgive him, does that mean he’s right with God? No. He must seek forgiveness with God. But I have stopped the bleeding and the pain in my heart.

I have known far too many brethren, with nearly a smile on their face, saying, “I don’t have to forgive until he apologizes.” You get the impression, that they hope they never apologize. You get the idea that they are glad that they don’t have to forgive. It’s seems that they have found a green light to be mean, ugly and nearly hate the other person. Jesus’ turning the cheek…going the extra mile…giving your shirt as well as your cloak…and loving your enemy just isn’t mentioned much by this “I don’t have to forgive” group. The Lord’s example upon the cross when He prayed, “Father, forgive them…,” and more so, His simple words in that model prayer, “If we do not forgive, neither will we be forgiven,” ought to make us rethink this whole idea. From the Disney movie, Frozen, we must “Let it go.”

Kindness, tender-hearted and forgiving—that’s the pace we set in our journey in life. What will trip us is when we make exceptions and then we are only kind to some. We become tender to some. We forgive only some. It’s those who are not among the “some” that makes our light not shine so bright.

Kind…tender…forgiving.

Can you do it? Can you be that way? God is counting on you. God is expecting that.

Roger