Jump Start # 1974

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be king to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

One final thought about the Texas church shooting. The good that came from that tragedy, or any tragedy, is if we have learned some things and if it has drawn us closer to the Lord. Our final thought is about forgiveness. How do we forgive when we hurt so much? Can I forgive a person who is no longer even alive? This is more than just about a shooting on a Sunday morning in a small Texas church. Forgiveness is something that we all must face. Can a person forgive a parent that was neglectful or abusive? What if that parent is no longer alive? Can we forgive a person that hurt us and we have no idea who it was or where that person is? Can we forgive the person that destroyed our marriage?

One writer said, “Forgiveness is great until you have something to forgive.” Forgiveness is not a doctrinal principle to be believed, but a key to relationships that allows prodigals to come home and love to be shown. One of the controversial aspects of forgiveness is whether or not I have to forgive someone who never says that they are sorry. Our passage tells us to forgive just as God has forgiven you. If I refuse to repent and if I refuse to turn towards God, if I refuse to believe in Jesus, I will die in my sins. In that way, some say, unless a guy comes and says he is sorry for what he did, you don’t have to forgive him. Yet, I’ve noticed, the way some say that sounds as if they really hope the guy never says he sorry. There is an air about that statement that they are rejoicing that they don’t have to forgive. They can think mean of someone because he never said he was sorry. There are other issues here such as the golden rule, loving your enemy and praying for all people.

It seems that our verses today shows the upside and downside of whether or not we forgive. The down side is the first part of this verse. If someone has hurt me, then I’m not thinking very kindly about him. Likely, most likely, almost definitely, I am not inviting him to my home. My relationship is strained at the best and at the worst it’s over. I feel bitter, angry and want to make him feel the pain that he has caused me. I feel compelled to warn and tell others about what has happened. This slides very easily into slander and clamor. My insides are in turmoil because of what has happened. It robs me of sleep and it destroys my appetite. I can’t move past this. I’ve met people who bring up painful things and the way they talk, you’d think it happened only last week. Yet you come to find out, what happened took place decades ago and they have never moved on. This tragedy and wrong stopped their life.

Here is an interesting thing about hurts. The person who caused the hurt has often moved on and thought nothing more about it. This is especially true if he has little conscience and little love in his heart. He’s whistling down the street as if nothing ever happened. The person who was injured, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, lies wounded and suffering. Their lives have stopped. They can’t move past the hurt. They think and talk about it all the time. They are consumed with it. Like a cancer, the hurt has taken over their life. It hurts the marriage. It hurts worship. It hurts how one feels about himself. And, the pain continues and continues.

If we say, the person has to receive an apology before he can forgive, then he is left in his pain for a long time. What if the person never says he is sorry? Are we to be consumed with this dark feelings forever? Must we wait on the person who caused the pain before we can begin to recover? Are we subject to him still? Does he hold the cards as to when and if we ever move past the tragedy? What if the person is dead? What if it was a parent who is no longer alive? What if it was someone like the shooter in Texas who took his life? Does that mean we never can have peace again? Does that mean that there will always remain an area of our hearts that are torn with anger and bitterness? What if a stranger hurt us? We don’t know who it is and he doesn’t know who we are? How can I recover if the person cannot or will not apologize?

The second part of our passage, the upside, tells us to be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. That’s a choice. That choice is not made nor conditioned upon what the other person decides to do. I can be kind, even when someone else is not kind. I can be tender hearted when someone else is mean and thoughtless. I can forgive when someone isn’t sorry for what they have done. My forgiving does not mean that God has forgiven. That’s up to God and the person. But my forgiving means I release the pain and the connection to the wrong. I choose not to be bitter and angry any more. I will not be eaten up with hatred. I will not have every waking thought be controlled by the pain that has happened. I can let it go. I don’t have to wait for the person who hurt me to apologize. I don’t have to allow him to control the timetable. I can move on. I can release my feelings.

There is a wonderful story about Clara Barton, the woman who worked with nurses. She had been harshly criticized by an editor of a newspaper. At a banquet she was attending, a friend told her that the editor was going to be there. Barton said, I distinctly remember forgetting that. She remembered. She chose not to focus and dwell upon it. She moved on. We can do two things about the wrongs and hurts that have come our way through the years. We can bury them in nicely marked graves and return over and over to revisit and remind ourselves of those pains, or, we can put them in unmarked graves and never return to the site again.

We can forget a dozen compliments. But we never forget the one criticism. It can eat at us. Preachers need to learn to deal with this.

This tragedy in Texas reminds us, as in all tragedies, that some will move on, count their blessings and hold to precious memories and recover. Others, will be destroyed by this. Anger, bitterness and hatred will move in and they will never be the same again. Marriages can be strengthened or they can fall apart because of what a tragedy does to us. Our walk with the Lord can be brighter and stronger or it can stop all together because of what the tragedy does to us.

When I hear someone say, “I can never forgive for what has happened to me,” I begin to believe that they are right. They won’t. They may not want to. Jesus said in the model prayer, “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Mt 6:15). Nothing is more Christ-like than forgiveness. Anyone can be benevolent. Anyone can be nice. But to forgive, when we have been wronged, takes love, grace and all that is Christ. Forgiveness often doesn’t make much sense. What makes sense is to pop a guy in his nose. Forgiveness is hard. It is the master who extended grace to his servant who owed ten thousand talents, in Jesus’ parable. It is the father who ran and embraced his wayward, prodigal son. It is what God has done for us.

The call to forgive is the one true mark of Christianity. It is one thing that the world cannot do. It is the one thing that we must do. Easy? Never. Understandable? No. But in many ways, it helps us more than it helps the one who hurt us. James tells us that judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy (Jas 2:13). One of the most difficult things we must do as Christians is to forgive. Until we do, we are forever chained to the tragedy and are unable to heal and move on.

Borrowing from the hit song from Disney’s Frozen, we must LET IT GO. Let it go from our lips. Quit talking about it. Let it go from our minds. Quit thinking about it. Let it go from our hearts. Stop being the victim. Stop rehearsing what was done. LET IT GO. Focus on the goodness of God. Move on to greener pastures. Leave room for the vengeance of God. Let the Lord take care of it. You take care of yourself. Heal. Restore. Repent of wrong thinking. Walk in the sunshine of God’s grace. Surround yourself with God’s people and fill your heart with the praise of the Lord.

Someday we are out of here and all these problems will remain behind.

LET IT GO! Will you? Can you?

Roger

Jump Start # 606

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Yesterday we looked at the first part of this passage, the six negative actions and attitudes that Paul expected the brethren to put away from their hearts. These verses, as in many other places, remind us that it’s not enough to avoid the bad or even to remove the negatives from our lives if we do not replace them with what God wants. In classic Biblical language, we find here, “Be…” Be kind, be tender-hearted, be forgiving. Be. Be is much more than just doing, it is becoming what you are. It is embracing, accepting and changing. Peter used similar language when he said, “Be holy…” The state of “being” defines what you are. Be kind means become a kind person. Be tender-hearted, means become that way. This is not something that a person can put on and take off. Being kind is not something you try to be on Sunday, but Monday it’s back to “dog eat dog” corporate world where only the sharks survive. Be kind. You’ll also notice that Paul does not place a location on this. Be kind in church services…or be kind at home, but it’s ok to be “unkind” to promote yourself. No. Be kind. I’m not “being” kind, if there are areas of my life which I’m not kind.

Among these three positive statements, Paul is shaping the heart of a N.T. Christian. Each of these words are found first in Jesus. These words are often the hardest to apply to men. We like being tough, aggressive, manly, and busting the opponent in the chops. We like movies in which the good guys blasts the bad guy. Captain America, with his amazing shield, or Thor, with his mighty hammer—that’s the image we like. Kindness, tenderness and forgiving seems weak and not fitting for men. So, many of us skip these things. We justify it as “that’s not for us.” We walk through life, walking on others, beating our chests, being tough and leaving a path of wounded people, first in our families and then in the congregations we attend. We blast the sinner. We give it to the Christian who is weak. We let them have it with both barrels, thrusting verses and expectations at them to such an extent that they leave and never come back. We accept that. They didn’t have faith we say, but the reality is often that we were not kind, nor tender, nor forgiving to them.

Don’t call Jesus weak. He’s not the original wimpy kid. But He was kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. This is why people came to Him. This is why people followed Him. This is why people brought their questions, their sick and their problems to Him. Could it be that part of our problems with evangelism is that we’ve not shown kindness, tenderness or the willingness to forgive. These words of Paul are for all of us. They are for the athlete who wants to follow Jesus. They are for the hunter who wants to follow Jesus. No man is too tough that he cannot be tender, kind and forgiving.

Kindness—comes in many forms. It is listening. It is doing things for others. It is being helpful, thoughtful. Kind words. Kind acts. Kind hearts. Kindness is attractive. Kindness builds and not destroys.

Tender-hearted– tenderness. Sensitive. Caring. Being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Feeling for others. Sympathy. Empathy. Weeping with those who weep. The opposite is heartless, cold, indifferent. It is a “who-cares” spirit. That kills a family. That wounds a church. We need tenderness to understand each other. We need it to help work through the messes that we get in. Tenderness comes with patience.

Forgiving—letting it go. Releasing. Second chances. Forgiving just as God has forgiven us. Wow! How many times has God forgive you? Ten times? A thousand times? Does God have a limit, like a medical cap, once you’ve reached that certain number, you are on your own? He doesn’t. He can forgive you a million times. Often, God forgives us for the same sin, over and over again. What about us? Just as God. A hundred times? A million times?

What is fascinating about these two verses, is that we are shown what happens when we forgive and when we do not. To forgive involves being kind and tender toward the offending party. When we don’t forgive, we become bitter, angry, and tend to slander and want malice toward the person who hurt us. Refusing to forgive hurts us more than it hurts the offender. It eats us up and tears us up on the inside. Let it go. Your forgiving doesn’t mean God has. The person has to make it right with God. But you can release the pain and the burden so you don’t have to be a mess on the inside.

So there it is before us. We chose. We can walk through life, bitter, angry or kind and tender. Don’t hang your hat on the fact that you’ve been a victim, you had terrible things happen to you—you choose. Are you going to be a bitter person or a kind person. Are you going to slander or are you going to forgive? Don’t talk about rights. I have a right to be this way because…No, you don’t. You decide whether you will be kind or bitter. If you choose to be angry and bitter there are consequences that come with that. First, a ton of people will not want to be around you. Your attitude will stink and you’ll be sour about life. Your spirit will have an affect upon your children. They’ll grow up thinking that’s normal and acceptable. It’s not, but you’ve painted that picture for them. Brethren will not want to be with you much because of your negative ways. Finally, God is not glorified nor pleased with you. His apostle said to put these things aside. You chose not to do that. You’ve disobeyed God.

Or, you can choose to walk through life being kind and tender-hearted. You’ll see sunshine where the other guy only sees gloom. You’ll add value and hope to the lives of others. Your spirit will attract and people will want to be around you. You’ll be an encouragement to others. Those who choose to be bitter won’t like you and you’ll bother them, but that won’t stop you. You’ll find that this is the way that Jesus walked. When you’ve been hurt, you’ll forgive. It will be hard, but you’ll find the strength to do it. In time, you’ll see that it takes more strength, courage and might to be kind, tender and forgiving, than it is to be bitter and angry. You’ll be an asset to any congregation. You’ll be the tower in the family. You’ll make people’s day because you are praying for them, thinking of them and simply acting like Jesus.

This is how God wants all of us to be. Many are. It’s been their nature for a long time. Others, really have to work at this. It’s hard for them. They’ve not seen this in the home. They don’t see this in the work place. They do see it in the Gospels, because that’s the way Jesus is.

Bitter or kind? Angry or tender-hearted? Slanderous or forgiving? It’s not really a choice to be made. God has already told us. If we are not tender, kind and forgiving, we are doing wrong. We are not like His Son and we best get about becoming that way or we will be in trouble. No excuses. No delays. It’s time to “be…”

Roger

Jump Start # 605

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God is Christ also has forgiven you.”

Attitudes—they are often hard to adjust and harder still to correct. It seems that we can start the day off in a pretty good mood, but the drive to work, the atmosphere of the office, the nature of co-workers can put us in a foul spirit and by the end of the day we are complaining, negative and stressed. What’s worse is that we often come home that way and take it out upon our families.

Our passage today sets forth what we should not do and what we should do. A negative is contrasted with a positive. Paul identifies six attitudes or spirits that we should put away or do away with. These are all the very attitudes that bruise relationships and make things tense.

There are a couple of interesting thoughts deep within this passage.

First, these attitudes are choices that we have. Generally, we do not see them that way. Most do not choose to be angry. We’d say something like, “The way that other guy drove his car made me mad,” or, “the boss dumping a ton of work on my desk right before it’s time to go home, made me mad,” or, “the waitress nearly forgetting to serve us made me mad.” What’s worse, is that we take those attitudes and feelings home and we take it out on the innocent family members. Angry comes naturally and quickly. We didn’t choose to be that way, it just happened. That’s how we tend to think.

When Paul used the concept of put them away, he was implying that we are in control of our attitudes and emotions. They do not control us, but we control them. These negative and often sinful attitudes can be stopped. They can be dumped. They can be changed. We are not slaves of our spirits and emotions. We cannot control what happens to us, but we do control how we will respond. The late author Barbara Johnson used to write often in her books, “Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.” Don’t choose that option. That’s what Paul is saying.

Second, you’ll notice the use of the word “all.” It is inherit in all of these words. Let ALL bitterness, and (all) wrath, and (all) anger, and (all) clamor, and (all) slander, and (all) malice be put away from you. It does little good to get rid of some of it. Even keeping just a little will poison your heart, dampen your spirit and cause relationship problems.

All of these words have to do with relationships. A person doesn’t slander them self. They slander others. Bitter toward self? Never. But others? Yeah, that’s a problem. It’s hard to be a family, any kind of family, with these attitudes flowing freely. It hurts the natural family and it hurts the church family.

What is interesting also about these words that Paul wants us to dump is that he doesn’t get into the reasons why we feel this way. We can easily hold on to these negative attitudes because we feel like we are justified. The way the other person treated us gives us the right to be angry, to slander them and to be bitter. Paul didn’t open that door. He doesn’t address whether we have the right to feel this way—he simply said get rid of it. It tears us up on the inside and it kills the love and unity we are to have for each other.

Have you noticed how many people dwell in these negative attitudes? At the most innocent thing they explode and snap at others. It seems some are always angry. Some never see the sunshine of life. They are bitter about nearly everything. This is a terrible way to live. Kids grow up and usually adapt a worse form of those things that they have seen. What is worst, is when folks profess to walk with Jesus, but they have never changed their attitudes. Their sour spirits turn people away from Christ, and strains the relationships they have in the church.

The answer, put these things away. It’s your choice. You do not have to walk through life carrying these wicked attitudes that distort everything you see. Jesus is the answer. He is different. He is the example. He wasn’t this way. He had folks accuse Him. He had people leaving Him, questioning Him, denying Him and betraying Him. Did Jesus have reason to be bitter? He wasn’t. Could He slander others? He didn’t. Did He walk through life angry? No.

Choices—we make them with our breakfast cereal, the clothes that we put on and the attitudes that we wear. Our attitudes make us beautiful or ugly. They stand out more than our outfits, our makeup or our physical features. I know this older man, he’s not handsome at all. His teeth are crooked, he’s rather plain looking and nothing is really attractive about him, except his spirit. He is one of the kindest, most humble people I know. I love talking to him because he has a wonderful way of seeing what is important and doesn’t dwell upon the superficial things that do not matter. He is one of the most beautiful persons in the world. People are attracted to him because of his kind, thoughtful and sweet spirit. I tend to think Jesus was like that. Not much to see on the outside, but on the inside, there was no one like Him. This is what Paul is driving at. We spend so much time making the outside look good, but the inside is what we ignore and that is where we need to put the most attention. The inside will be remembered, not the outside. The inside makes or breaks the deal with most people. If you are treated rudely, you find another place to eat your food, buy your car, go to church, or even have surgery. We’ll switch doctors, jobs and even friends, on the basis of how we are treated.

Make sure that you are not doing that to others. Make sure your spirit is not the cause for some to leave. Make sure your spirit is not what is keeping you from Heaven.

Tomorrow, we’ll look at the positive things Paul wants us to add. Today, is trash day at our house. But actually, every day is—as we dump the selfish and wrong attitudes that fill our hearts. Just toss them out—that’s the answer. They won’t do you any good. It’s like keeping an old banana peel. It doesn’t have much of a purpose and before long, it starts to stink the place up. Sour attitudes do the same!

Roger