Jump Start # 1098

Matthew 19:4 “and He answered and said, ‘Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’”

Today we wrap up this series on parents advising their kids about dating. This is often stressful in the home. Some kids want to date someone that parents do not want them to. It’s hard for the teenager to understand and see what the parents do. Many of the lessons about dating ought to be taught before the children are old enough to date. Lessons about respect, kindness, thankfulness, listening—these are life lessons that begin early. The dating process reveals the character, heart and priorities of another person. For instance, does the guy drive fast and reckless? That shows little concern about life –both his and others. How does the date talk about his parents? Is it always negative? What does he think about God? Does the date whine a lot, demand a lot, and is smothering with her needs? What baggage do they bring to the relationship? How do they treat pets? Are they cruel and mean? The more serious dating becomes, the more important these questions become. You are looking at a person and wondering if there is going to be a future together. Too often, someone tries to deny the red flags and major character flaws, because breaking up is too painful. They fail to see that breaking up is not as painful as being married to someone who has serious issues and won’t deal with them.

Broken hearts are part of the dating process. Parents need to be there when that happens. Differences, especially in faith, often lead to breaking up. The child will feel like the world has come to an end. They will mope around and not feel like doing anything. Many of us have been there. This is a time to parent again. You’ll soon find that the issues of a four year old are so much easier than a seventeen year old. Staying in the bedroom, listening to sad songs, staring at pictures only pours more salt into the hurting heart. The smile will return, it takes time. Be kind and careful with hurt feelings.

One of the things parents will notice when their children start dating very seriously is that their child spends more time with the date than with the parents and they tell more things to the date than they do the parents. This is hard for us parents. We want to be in the loop, close to our kids and know what’s going on. There is a transition period that our verse describes. There is a leaving father and mother that takes place before they become married. That transition involves leaving father and mother. There comes a time when they would rather spend time with the date than you, the parent. We were that way, but now that it happens to us as parents, it’s hard to deal with. I’m going through this for the fourth time now. My youngest is engaged and is always talking to his girl. That’s the way it is supposed to be. Some parents have a hard time with this. Some even become jealous. There comes a time when they will pick the other person over you. For parents, there is life after kids. It’s hard to grasp that since the children have been your life for so long. It’s hard to remember life before kids. The children will find someone else, get married and begin a life on their own. This is the time for parents to get to know each other again. Do things together. Find a life together. Some do well with this, others don’t. Some can’t stay out of their grown kids lives. Some can’t stop parenting. This can cause tension. There comes a time when as parents we become advisors. We no longer can tell, demand and order our kids what to do. That’s hard. We’ve always told them what to do. Now they are grown and they will do what they want. And what they want, often isn’t what we want.

I have learned from my grown children that the people that they have married bring new perspectives, ideas and attitudes to the family. Not everyone eats dessert after every meal like we do. I can’t imagine. Now I do. Not everyone thinks the Beatles are the greatest band of all time. Not everyone likes musicals. Not everyone likes to get up at the crack of dawn and tackle the day. As a parent, you see your children making adjustments to fit their life. They may like the new ways that their mate has introduced them to. So your child changes. They mold into a relationship that works. It may not be the image that the parent envisioned but it works. Some things can be very delicate and come across as ‘we are better than you,’ or ‘our way is better than your way.’ With marriages the family dynamics changes. There are more people to know, love and make them feel accepted. What a parent can say and get away with their own child may not be received as well from one married into the family. Some families tease. Others don’t. Some families put all the feelings on the table. Others don’t. This mixture takes time to work it’s way around. When there is love, faith, kindness, and patience, many of these things tend to settle and find a way of working.

I hope through this series you’ve seen the importance of parents being very active in teaching their children about dating. This is not a time to bury your head in the sand. This is not a time to be passive. The dating period can be wonderful and joyful. It can also be full of tears and heartache. The best is when your child finds a strong Christian to spend their life with. The worst is when your child throws away their faith because of someone else. Pray hard. Work at it. Start early. Be that mamma bear when it comes to your kids. Don’t be afraid to do the hard thing if necessary. Sometimes that means switching schools. Sometimes that means pulling them out of college. Sometimes that may mean moving. The soul of your child is worth it. Christ gave His blood to save you and your child. What are you willing to give or do to save them?

Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. Someone once wrote, ‘If parenting was so easy, why would the process begin with the word ‘labor.’ God is counting on you. God needs you in there, right in the thick of things to lead your child to Heaven. You are a parent! That’s one of the greatest honors and titles you will ever wear. How fitting, right before Mother’s Day, to remind ourselves the great value and work you do as a parent. No one else will do it. Your children will learn, either the right way from you, or the wrong way from the world.

Hang in there moms and dads. Roll up the sleeves, turn the TV off, and get busy with those kids!

Roger